Search
Search results
JT (287 KP) rated Dead Man Down (2013) in Movies
Mar 10, 2020
If you’re looking for a film that is as dark and disturbing as The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, you might be a little disappointed here.
Only a little however, director Niels Arden Oplev’s first English language feature produces effective results in what is a very good revenge thriller. Colin Farrell plays gangland enforcer Victor who during a shoot out saves the life of his boss Alphonse (Howard) who is being tormented by an unknown hell bent on making his life uncomfortable.
Victor has his own agenda, getting as close to Alphonse as possible before exacting revenge for the murder of his wife and daughter years earlier. On the surface it looks like any bog standard Hollywood revenge thriller but dig a little deeper and therein lies an intricate story that weaves its way through to an explosive finale.
Oplev brings back Dragon Tattoo star Noomi Rapace and gives her a darker character, (one that she’ll be able to relate with) who has a past that has scared her, both inside and out, she’s after some revenge of her own. Comparisons will be drawn to her most famous female lead, Lisbeth Salander.
Rapace plays Beatrice, a lonely individual who lives with her slightly deaf mother Valentine (Isabelle Huppert) who has a penchant for cooking and Tupperware and it would be argued her talents are wasted in this. Beatrice blackmails Victor when she catches him knocking off a gang member in his apartment, and tells him that she’ll go to he police unless he helps her kill someone from her past.
Despite coming across as a revenge-actioner in the trailers the film itself has a lot more going for it than that, there is so much more to the story than just cracking heads and explosions. Beatrice’s pain at being scarred by a drunk diver who all but got away leaves her encased in worry and self pity, while Valentine does her best to push her back out into the world.
The relationship between Victor and Beatrice is cagey at first, but this isn’t an initial romance that is going to blossom with them walking off into the sunset together, not at the beginning anyway. It is hard to tell who really wants what and its more about the coming together of two lost souls whose first thought in life is revenge, leaving everything else to come second.
The on screen chemistry between the two lead protagonists is believable, Farrell is steely eyed and strong and Rapace conveys herself with devilish intrigue while at the same time giving off a sense of vulnerability. Terrance Howard is slick and does a decent job, although I could think of a number of other actors who probably could have pulled off the character with a great deal more menace.
The action is pretty good, the highlight being the pulsating last 15 minutes which to be honest was well worth the admission price alone. There was what I would call a ‘copout’ moment at the end, and after everything that Farrell had gone through I would have thought more attention would have been centered on that, instead I left feeling slightly short changed.
It’s a solid film from Niels Arden Oplev with some great acting and a finale that will leave you gasping for an encore.
Only a little however, director Niels Arden Oplev’s first English language feature produces effective results in what is a very good revenge thriller. Colin Farrell plays gangland enforcer Victor who during a shoot out saves the life of his boss Alphonse (Howard) who is being tormented by an unknown hell bent on making his life uncomfortable.
Victor has his own agenda, getting as close to Alphonse as possible before exacting revenge for the murder of his wife and daughter years earlier. On the surface it looks like any bog standard Hollywood revenge thriller but dig a little deeper and therein lies an intricate story that weaves its way through to an explosive finale.
Oplev brings back Dragon Tattoo star Noomi Rapace and gives her a darker character, (one that she’ll be able to relate with) who has a past that has scared her, both inside and out, she’s after some revenge of her own. Comparisons will be drawn to her most famous female lead, Lisbeth Salander.
Rapace plays Beatrice, a lonely individual who lives with her slightly deaf mother Valentine (Isabelle Huppert) who has a penchant for cooking and Tupperware and it would be argued her talents are wasted in this. Beatrice blackmails Victor when she catches him knocking off a gang member in his apartment, and tells him that she’ll go to he police unless he helps her kill someone from her past.
Despite coming across as a revenge-actioner in the trailers the film itself has a lot more going for it than that, there is so much more to the story than just cracking heads and explosions. Beatrice’s pain at being scarred by a drunk diver who all but got away leaves her encased in worry and self pity, while Valentine does her best to push her back out into the world.
The relationship between Victor and Beatrice is cagey at first, but this isn’t an initial romance that is going to blossom with them walking off into the sunset together, not at the beginning anyway. It is hard to tell who really wants what and its more about the coming together of two lost souls whose first thought in life is revenge, leaving everything else to come second.
The on screen chemistry between the two lead protagonists is believable, Farrell is steely eyed and strong and Rapace conveys herself with devilish intrigue while at the same time giving off a sense of vulnerability. Terrance Howard is slick and does a decent job, although I could think of a number of other actors who probably could have pulled off the character with a great deal more menace.
The action is pretty good, the highlight being the pulsating last 15 minutes which to be honest was well worth the admission price alone. There was what I would call a ‘copout’ moment at the end, and after everything that Farrell had gone through I would have thought more attention would have been centered on that, instead I left feeling slightly short changed.
It’s a solid film from Niels Arden Oplev with some great acting and a finale that will leave you gasping for an encore.
Kristy H (1252 KP) rated The Arrangement in Books
Aug 5, 2019
Twenty-one-year-old Natalie gratefully escaped her small-town life in Washington state, including an obsessive ex-boyfriend who broke into her house when she told him she was leaving for art school in New York City. But now the glamorous life she dreamed of is anything but: even with a partial scholarship, she's struggling to pay her tuition and rent. So when her friend tells her of a possible solution--go online and find an older sugar daddy: a wealthy man who pays her for dates--Natalie is intrigued. She figures it is a temporary solution until she gets back on her feet. But then she meets Gabe Turnmill, a handsome lawyer, more than thirty years older her senior. Soon she's madly in love with Gabe, who gives her a monthly allowance and helps her find her own apartment. But Gabe has his own family and life, and when he ends things with Natalie, she's devastated, unable to let things go. She begins stalking Gabe and his family. Gabe is a powerful man, however, and he's not going to let his sugar baby ruin his life.
Wow, this book was utterly captivating! I totally loved HER PRETTY FACE, and I felt the same about this one! This novel starts out with Natalie calling her long-estranged father, who abandoned her family when she was ten. "I killed someone," she says. From there, we flash back four months, learning more about Natalie's life as an art student and how she winds up as a sugar baby. It's utterly fascinating--learning about this life and how Natalie becomes tied up in it. She's convinced she will only go on a couple of dates, but her life becomes a series of unfortunate incidents. Then she falls for Gabe.
"But this was not a real relationship. Gabe was paying her. Now, Nat was afraid of falling for a man she could never really have."
The characters in this book are spot-on. Talk about creepy, obsessive, and utter trainwrecks. These two are so messed up. And I loved them! I could not put this book down! I picked it up on Sunday afternoon and had to finish it Sunday night before I went to bed. I simply could not look away from Natalie and Gabe and their absolutely bizarre relationship.
"Gabe liked situations he could control, people he could manage."
This book is a crazy mix of thriller, mystery, and romantic suspense. It's really interesting to think that these sugar baby/daddy relationships actually exist (hopefully without some of the other insanity that occurs in this book). Harding does such a wonderful job with her main characters and their utterly twisted minds. The point of view switches between the two, and we hear from some of the supporting cast, too. It helps up the drama and suspense, for sure. New York City is a great backdrop for all that goes down. I sort of had an inkling how it would all play out near the end, but I definitely couldn't put the book down.
Overall, totally loved this one. Definitely one of my favorite thrillers this year--just a really fun, captivating book with a different storyline and awesome, crazy characters. 4.5 stars.
Wow, this book was utterly captivating! I totally loved HER PRETTY FACE, and I felt the same about this one! This novel starts out with Natalie calling her long-estranged father, who abandoned her family when she was ten. "I killed someone," she says. From there, we flash back four months, learning more about Natalie's life as an art student and how she winds up as a sugar baby. It's utterly fascinating--learning about this life and how Natalie becomes tied up in it. She's convinced she will only go on a couple of dates, but her life becomes a series of unfortunate incidents. Then she falls for Gabe.
"But this was not a real relationship. Gabe was paying her. Now, Nat was afraid of falling for a man she could never really have."
The characters in this book are spot-on. Talk about creepy, obsessive, and utter trainwrecks. These two are so messed up. And I loved them! I could not put this book down! I picked it up on Sunday afternoon and had to finish it Sunday night before I went to bed. I simply could not look away from Natalie and Gabe and their absolutely bizarre relationship.
"Gabe liked situations he could control, people he could manage."
This book is a crazy mix of thriller, mystery, and romantic suspense. It's really interesting to think that these sugar baby/daddy relationships actually exist (hopefully without some of the other insanity that occurs in this book). Harding does such a wonderful job with her main characters and their utterly twisted minds. The point of view switches between the two, and we hear from some of the supporting cast, too. It helps up the drama and suspense, for sure. New York City is a great backdrop for all that goes down. I sort of had an inkling how it would all play out near the end, but I definitely couldn't put the book down.
Overall, totally loved this one. Definitely one of my favorite thrillers this year--just a really fun, captivating book with a different storyline and awesome, crazy characters. 4.5 stars.
Lyndsey Gollogly (2893 KP) rated Some Will Not Sleep: Selected Horrors in Books
Jun 22, 2021
90 of 250
Kindle
Some Will Not Sleep: selected horrors
By Adam Nevill
Once read a review will be written via Smashbomb and link posted in comments
A bestial face appears at windows in the night.
In the big white house on the hill angels are said to appear.
A forgotten tenant in an isolated building becomes addicted to milk.
A strange goddess is worshipped by a home-invading disciple.
The least remembered gods still haunt the oldest forests.
Cannibalism occurs in high society at the end of the world.
The sainted undead follow their prophet to the Great Dead Sea.
A confused and vengeful presence occupies the home of a first-time buyer.
In ghastly harmony with the nightmarish visions of the award-winning writer's novels, these stories blend a lifelong appreciation of horror culture with the grotesque fascinations and childlike terrors that are the author's own.
So I wrote a few notes on each story that I enjoyed!
They are just little rambling I’m far from a in depth critic!
1. Where Angels come in
I’ve read this before and it it’s stuck with me for some reason. We all had that one house as kids that spooked us, only luckily mine was never full of creepy things.
2. The Original Occupant
A man determined to spend time in a Swedish forest finds himself disturbing a sacred ritual only to disappear after writing a frantic letter to his friends. After a search of the house and forest he’s never seen again! Really good and quite creepy never mess with someone’s sacred alter!
3. Mother’s Milk
Well that’s just made my stomach turn! A man thinks he’s found lodgings and a job finds himself turned into a milk fiend the source of the milk is definitely an interesting one.
4. Yellow Teeth
An old friend comes to visit and never leaves. This was creepy I’d just hate having someone around me that filthy and smelly.
5. Pig Thing
A strange little piggy tale after a family move to New Zealand
6. What God have Wrought
This follows a soldier searching across desert for the creature that holds his sister! For some reason this didn’t grab me.
7. Doll Hands
This is what will happen when the world comes to an end the over privileged using the poor souls as meat! Quite chilling!
8. To Forget and be Forgotten
I loved this! It reminded me of his Apartment 16 which is a book I fell totally in love with and the first book I read of Adams and this was in that style. A lot of the paragraphs struck home with me especially at the start! Solitude is something we all seek at some point and being around people can be taxing.
9. The Ancestors
This is the second time I’ve read this and it still creeps me out! A little girl makes friends with a ghost and some toys that have dark intentions and definitely dislike parents!
10.!The Age of Entitlement
11. Florrie
Another brilliant short! I think a good cleansing of all newly brought houses is in order to prevent this!
Overall I absolutely love his writing style each story even ones I didn’t quite click with transports you to that scene you’re reading. I’m building a steady collection of Adams books I highly recommend anyone of them!
Kindle
Some Will Not Sleep: selected horrors
By Adam Nevill
Once read a review will be written via Smashbomb and link posted in comments
A bestial face appears at windows in the night.
In the big white house on the hill angels are said to appear.
A forgotten tenant in an isolated building becomes addicted to milk.
A strange goddess is worshipped by a home-invading disciple.
The least remembered gods still haunt the oldest forests.
Cannibalism occurs in high society at the end of the world.
The sainted undead follow their prophet to the Great Dead Sea.
A confused and vengeful presence occupies the home of a first-time buyer.
In ghastly harmony with the nightmarish visions of the award-winning writer's novels, these stories blend a lifelong appreciation of horror culture with the grotesque fascinations and childlike terrors that are the author's own.
So I wrote a few notes on each story that I enjoyed!
They are just little rambling I’m far from a in depth critic!
1. Where Angels come in
I’ve read this before and it it’s stuck with me for some reason. We all had that one house as kids that spooked us, only luckily mine was never full of creepy things.
2. The Original Occupant
A man determined to spend time in a Swedish forest finds himself disturbing a sacred ritual only to disappear after writing a frantic letter to his friends. After a search of the house and forest he’s never seen again! Really good and quite creepy never mess with someone’s sacred alter!
3. Mother’s Milk
Well that’s just made my stomach turn! A man thinks he’s found lodgings and a job finds himself turned into a milk fiend the source of the milk is definitely an interesting one.
4. Yellow Teeth
An old friend comes to visit and never leaves. This was creepy I’d just hate having someone around me that filthy and smelly.
5. Pig Thing
A strange little piggy tale after a family move to New Zealand
6. What God have Wrought
This follows a soldier searching across desert for the creature that holds his sister! For some reason this didn’t grab me.
7. Doll Hands
This is what will happen when the world comes to an end the over privileged using the poor souls as meat! Quite chilling!
8. To Forget and be Forgotten
I loved this! It reminded me of his Apartment 16 which is a book I fell totally in love with and the first book I read of Adams and this was in that style. A lot of the paragraphs struck home with me especially at the start! Solitude is something we all seek at some point and being around people can be taxing.
9. The Ancestors
This is the second time I’ve read this and it still creeps me out! A little girl makes friends with a ghost and some toys that have dark intentions and definitely dislike parents!
10.!The Age of Entitlement
11. Florrie
Another brilliant short! I think a good cleansing of all newly brought houses is in order to prevent this!
Overall I absolutely love his writing style each story even ones I didn’t quite click with transports you to that scene you’re reading. I’m building a steady collection of Adams books I highly recommend anyone of them!
Night Reader Reviews (683 KP) rated The Deadly Highway in Books
Nov 30, 2020
Good Book but a lot of errors
The Deadly Highway by T. Harrogate is a decent book, but I feel like it is still in the early stages of publishing. It could still use quite a bit of work. The book also escalates very quickly, even for it being a short book.
Lucy’s father is an alcoholic and because of his choices the two of them live in a one room apartment on the poor side of town. Her father has forbidden Lucy to interact with the others living in their neighborhood in an act of denial about their situation. These rules have left Lucy feeling alone and isolated to the point that she feels she can not take it any longer. Mix that with the cramped, dirty living conditions, and her father’s drunken anger and Lucy decides to run away.
As she is leaving home Lucy runs into two other teens who live close by called Julia and Graham. The two question Lucy on where she is going and decide to run away with her. Graham quickly becomes the leader of the group and they plan for him to steal a car. Unfortunately for the girls it is already too late by the time they discover what Graham is doing with the owners of the cars. By the time they make their discovery Graham has the girls completely under his control and they are just along for the ride.
Surprisingly enough this book did offer some twists at the end that I was not expecting, thought the chapter names are dead giveaways. At the same time the book itself was not quiet what I expected and was mostly enjoyable. I also liked the word of warning at the end of the book for those that still believe things like this can’t or won’t happen to them. Unfortunately this book needs edited again and closely at that. Frequently words are completely left out, sentences restart in the middle, or the wrong word is used entirely. There are also multiple timeline errors and consistency problems with things such as names. I also wish there was just a little more detail and background into the lives of all three teenagers.
Due to the content of this book it is best for mature young adults and adults. The simplistic language and writing style, along with the short page count makes it ideal for those who struggle with reading or don’t read often. This book dose contain murder and rape although nothing goes into detail. I rate this book 2 out of 4. Originally I was going to give this book 3 with its saving grace being its simplicity. However, upon finishing this book I discovered that the people this book is best suited for would possible struggle with all the errors, making it unreadable to them. Overall the book is good but its hard to read in its current state, it still needs a lot of work.
The Deadly Highway | Book| Austin Macauley Publishers
https://nightreaderreviews.blogspot.com/
Lucy’s father is an alcoholic and because of his choices the two of them live in a one room apartment on the poor side of town. Her father has forbidden Lucy to interact with the others living in their neighborhood in an act of denial about their situation. These rules have left Lucy feeling alone and isolated to the point that she feels she can not take it any longer. Mix that with the cramped, dirty living conditions, and her father’s drunken anger and Lucy decides to run away.
As she is leaving home Lucy runs into two other teens who live close by called Julia and Graham. The two question Lucy on where she is going and decide to run away with her. Graham quickly becomes the leader of the group and they plan for him to steal a car. Unfortunately for the girls it is already too late by the time they discover what Graham is doing with the owners of the cars. By the time they make their discovery Graham has the girls completely under his control and they are just along for the ride.
Surprisingly enough this book did offer some twists at the end that I was not expecting, thought the chapter names are dead giveaways. At the same time the book itself was not quiet what I expected and was mostly enjoyable. I also liked the word of warning at the end of the book for those that still believe things like this can’t or won’t happen to them. Unfortunately this book needs edited again and closely at that. Frequently words are completely left out, sentences restart in the middle, or the wrong word is used entirely. There are also multiple timeline errors and consistency problems with things such as names. I also wish there was just a little more detail and background into the lives of all three teenagers.
Due to the content of this book it is best for mature young adults and adults. The simplistic language and writing style, along with the short page count makes it ideal for those who struggle with reading or don’t read often. This book dose contain murder and rape although nothing goes into detail. I rate this book 2 out of 4. Originally I was going to give this book 3 with its saving grace being its simplicity. However, upon finishing this book I discovered that the people this book is best suited for would possible struggle with all the errors, making it unreadable to them. Overall the book is good but its hard to read in its current state, it still needs a lot of work.
The Deadly Highway | Book| Austin Macauley Publishers
https://nightreaderreviews.blogspot.com/
Home Design DIY Interior Floor Layout Space Planning & House Decorating Tool HD by Mark On Call
Productivity and Lifestyle
6.0
Rate It
App
"OUR PICK OF THE 50 BEST IPAD APPS...MARK ON CALL HD" - The Guardian ***DEMO VIDEO @...
Construction Simulator 2
Games
1.0
Rate It
App
Ranked #1 for the iPad & iPhone in 25 Countries In the Top Ten for the iPad & iPhone in 66 Countries...
Chronicles of Crime: 2400
9.0
Rate It
Tabletop Game
“You are Kalia Lavel. You’ve always wanted to fight crime like your famous ancestors, so you...
Abandoned Things
10.0
Rate It
Book
Frankie is a fifth-year college student with a secret. He's the writer and creator of the popular...
MM Science Fiction Fantasy Enemies to Lovers Romance
Daniel Boyd (1066 KP) rated Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) in Movies
Jul 19, 2017
Some of the lighting is well implemented (1 more)
Colin Farrell
Bad CGI (2 more)
The movies 3 leads are extremely annoying
Johnny 'oooh' Depp
Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them - Or JK Rowling and the Never Ending Quest for More Money
Contains spoilers, click to show
First off, full disclosure, I have never been a fan of the Harry Potter franchise. I’ve read a few of the books and seen a few of the movies and it just isn’t my thing. Honestly, I’m not even a fan of fantasy in general, I think Lord Of The Rings is nonsense and Game Of Thrones is vastly overrated and the last Harry Potter movie I saw was the fourth one. However, I was willing to go into this movie with a clean slate and hopefully have it win me over and unfortunately it didn’t. Also this review will contain spoilers if you care about that sort of thing.
This film is a prequel to the other Harry Potter movies, this time set in America rather than Britain and telling the story of the events that led to the great wizarding war between Dumbledore and Grindlewald. The film did have potential, to see what would have essentially been WWII fought with magic could be really cool but unfortunately all we get here is setup and that actual event we want to see will probably take place 4 or 5 movies down the line. The film opens with Eddie Redmayne’s character, Newt Scamander going to New York from London to set free one of the beasts that he keeps inside his Tardis-like brief case. Then he ends up in a bank and meets a ‘Nomaj,’ which is this film’s lazy version of a ‘muggle,’ who we learn is a simple lonely guy that just wants to open his own bakery and that’s another character cliché ticked off the list. We now have the double act of the nerdy, sniveling protagonist and the overweight sympathetic sidekick. Also, for the rest of this review I will be referring to the baker character as fat bloke and this isn’t to be derogatory, but is purely because the script relies on the, ‘fat, jolly, sympathetic, pathetic loner’ stereotype and passes it off as a character arc. If the script isn’t treating the character with any respect, then why should I? So fat bloke it is then.
So the two of them of course have the exact same briefcase and after some cartoony looking CGI animals escape from Redmayne’s case in the bank the suitcases predictably get mixed up and then the fat bloke gets his bakery loan declined and returns home with Redmayne’s suitcase, then more bad CGI animals open the case and attack the fat bloke. Redmayne’s character then gets arrested by some wizarding inspector for letting the, ‘Nomaj,’ (urgh) get away after seeing the animals in the case and is taken to the New York Wizards base, I guess? Then it’s revealed that the wizarding inspector that arrested Redmayne is a bit of a shit inspector and she is trying to redeem herself in the eyes of her superiors, so in front of this high wizard council, she confiscates the case from Redmayne and opens it only to reveal a bunch of cakes inside. Yes, really… Who writes this shit? Rowling is doing to Harry Potter what Lucas did to Star Wars during the prequels at this point.
So Redmayne gets set free and he goes to fat bloke’s house to find him lying on the floor, then some more bad CGI later the inspector turns up and they take him back to her house to meet her sister? Friend? Does it matter? She ends up becoming the love interest for fat bloke. Then for no apparent reason Redmayne and fat bloke enter the case and he shows fat bloke all this crazy shit that apparently humans aren’t supposed to see and then Redmayne does some more sniveling and decides they have to sneak out of the girls’ apartment and recapture the animals that escaped in the bank and from fat bloke’s apartment. They get a couple of the beasts back then they go to central park to find Redmayne’s horny rhino and they dress fat bloke up in a leather rhino costume and use him as rape bait then they ice skate for a bit and capture the rhino. Again, really… I am not making this shit up for satirical reasons.
Then we see a real life prick Ezra Miller playing some sort of weird emo child who is beat by his mother and we see he is working with Colin Farrell to find a big bad dark spirit that is killing people around New York. Colin Farrell is definitely the best thing about the film at this point. After this a bunch of other stupid shit happens, like Ron Perlman and John Voight coming into the movie, showing a ray of potential then being totally wasted. The movie drags in the middle, but eventually after some more fat jokes, bad CGI and sniveling, all of the creatures are captured and Ezra Miller turns into a black death cloud or some such nonsense. Then he is boosting around New York, fucking up shit as he goes and so Redmayne and Farrell follow him down to the subway to stop him. Redmayne seems to be talking him down and then Farrell shows up and essentially tells him to join the dark side. Then there is a CGI wand battle and the council from earlier show up out of nowhere and kill the black cloud of death. Then Colin Farrell gets pissed off and in the best scene in the movie murders half of the council members before he gets arrested by Eddie Redmayne with some magic handcuffs.
Then the worst part in the movie takes place. It is revealed that Colin Farrell is actually Johnny Depp in disguise. I mean he is Grindlewald in disguise but the important part for me is the replacement of Colin Farrell with Johnny Depp. Now I’m not the world’s biggest Colin Farrell fan, he is great in, ‘In Bruges,’ but other than that he is pretty meh, but he was definitely the best thing that this movie had going for it and they fucking swapped him out! With fucking Johnny-‘ooh’-Depp. As if this movie wasn’t shit enough they swapped out the best thing about it for Johnny Depp, the biggest joke in Hollywood. I’m done, fuck this movie, fuck Johnny Depp, fuck JK Rowling, fuck Harry Potter, I’m out.
Okay, let’s briefly talk about the technical side of the film before I score this thing. The whole cast of this movie is phoning it in, so the acting is fine but nothing to write home about, Farrell is the best thing in this movie, but I feel that in the sequels it will just be an ‘ooh,’ off between Depp and Redmayne. The direction is okay as the movie plods along sufficiently, but the writing is wildly inconsistent and the plot as stated above is all over the place. The lighting and cinematography in one scene are fantastic, when Farrell and Miller are conversing in a dark alleyway but other than that they are pretty mundane too. The score is suitably Harry Potter like and the CGI is also to a similar standard of the Harry Potter films. The problem with that is that the CGI was ropey and of a fairly poor standard in the Harry Potter movies 10 years ago and it doesn’t seem like it has improved much since then. This movie isn’t for me, but even from an objective standpoint, based solely from a moviemaking perspective this movie is poor.
This film is a prequel to the other Harry Potter movies, this time set in America rather than Britain and telling the story of the events that led to the great wizarding war between Dumbledore and Grindlewald. The film did have potential, to see what would have essentially been WWII fought with magic could be really cool but unfortunately all we get here is setup and that actual event we want to see will probably take place 4 or 5 movies down the line. The film opens with Eddie Redmayne’s character, Newt Scamander going to New York from London to set free one of the beasts that he keeps inside his Tardis-like brief case. Then he ends up in a bank and meets a ‘Nomaj,’ which is this film’s lazy version of a ‘muggle,’ who we learn is a simple lonely guy that just wants to open his own bakery and that’s another character cliché ticked off the list. We now have the double act of the nerdy, sniveling protagonist and the overweight sympathetic sidekick. Also, for the rest of this review I will be referring to the baker character as fat bloke and this isn’t to be derogatory, but is purely because the script relies on the, ‘fat, jolly, sympathetic, pathetic loner’ stereotype and passes it off as a character arc. If the script isn’t treating the character with any respect, then why should I? So fat bloke it is then.
So the two of them of course have the exact same briefcase and after some cartoony looking CGI animals escape from Redmayne’s case in the bank the suitcases predictably get mixed up and then the fat bloke gets his bakery loan declined and returns home with Redmayne’s suitcase, then more bad CGI animals open the case and attack the fat bloke. Redmayne’s character then gets arrested by some wizarding inspector for letting the, ‘Nomaj,’ (urgh) get away after seeing the animals in the case and is taken to the New York Wizards base, I guess? Then it’s revealed that the wizarding inspector that arrested Redmayne is a bit of a shit inspector and she is trying to redeem herself in the eyes of her superiors, so in front of this high wizard council, she confiscates the case from Redmayne and opens it only to reveal a bunch of cakes inside. Yes, really… Who writes this shit? Rowling is doing to Harry Potter what Lucas did to Star Wars during the prequels at this point.
So Redmayne gets set free and he goes to fat bloke’s house to find him lying on the floor, then some more bad CGI later the inspector turns up and they take him back to her house to meet her sister? Friend? Does it matter? She ends up becoming the love interest for fat bloke. Then for no apparent reason Redmayne and fat bloke enter the case and he shows fat bloke all this crazy shit that apparently humans aren’t supposed to see and then Redmayne does some more sniveling and decides they have to sneak out of the girls’ apartment and recapture the animals that escaped in the bank and from fat bloke’s apartment. They get a couple of the beasts back then they go to central park to find Redmayne’s horny rhino and they dress fat bloke up in a leather rhino costume and use him as rape bait then they ice skate for a bit and capture the rhino. Again, really… I am not making this shit up for satirical reasons.
Then we see a real life prick Ezra Miller playing some sort of weird emo child who is beat by his mother and we see he is working with Colin Farrell to find a big bad dark spirit that is killing people around New York. Colin Farrell is definitely the best thing about the film at this point. After this a bunch of other stupid shit happens, like Ron Perlman and John Voight coming into the movie, showing a ray of potential then being totally wasted. The movie drags in the middle, but eventually after some more fat jokes, bad CGI and sniveling, all of the creatures are captured and Ezra Miller turns into a black death cloud or some such nonsense. Then he is boosting around New York, fucking up shit as he goes and so Redmayne and Farrell follow him down to the subway to stop him. Redmayne seems to be talking him down and then Farrell shows up and essentially tells him to join the dark side. Then there is a CGI wand battle and the council from earlier show up out of nowhere and kill the black cloud of death. Then Colin Farrell gets pissed off and in the best scene in the movie murders half of the council members before he gets arrested by Eddie Redmayne with some magic handcuffs.
Then the worst part in the movie takes place. It is revealed that Colin Farrell is actually Johnny Depp in disguise. I mean he is Grindlewald in disguise but the important part for me is the replacement of Colin Farrell with Johnny Depp. Now I’m not the world’s biggest Colin Farrell fan, he is great in, ‘In Bruges,’ but other than that he is pretty meh, but he was definitely the best thing that this movie had going for it and they fucking swapped him out! With fucking Johnny-‘ooh’-Depp. As if this movie wasn’t shit enough they swapped out the best thing about it for Johnny Depp, the biggest joke in Hollywood. I’m done, fuck this movie, fuck Johnny Depp, fuck JK Rowling, fuck Harry Potter, I’m out.
Okay, let’s briefly talk about the technical side of the film before I score this thing. The whole cast of this movie is phoning it in, so the acting is fine but nothing to write home about, Farrell is the best thing in this movie, but I feel that in the sequels it will just be an ‘ooh,’ off between Depp and Redmayne. The direction is okay as the movie plods along sufficiently, but the writing is wildly inconsistent and the plot as stated above is all over the place. The lighting and cinematography in one scene are fantastic, when Farrell and Miller are conversing in a dark alleyway but other than that they are pretty mundane too. The score is suitably Harry Potter like and the CGI is also to a similar standard of the Harry Potter films. The problem with that is that the CGI was ropey and of a fairly poor standard in the Harry Potter movies 10 years ago and it doesn’t seem like it has improved much since then. This movie isn’t for me, but even from an objective standpoint, based solely from a moviemaking perspective this movie is poor.