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BankofMarquis (1832 KP) rated Cruella (2021) in Movies
Jun 13, 2021
Fights to find the right tone - but succeeds more than it fails
The new Disney live action film CRUELLA (telling the origin story of one of the most well known villains in Disney animation history) is one of those strange films that is trying to walk a thin line between “G” rated “kid” entertainment and an “R” rated film intended for a more “mature” audience.
An that, ultimately, is the issue with this film, it bounces around tonally - sometimes bumping up against the “G” rating and often times landing closer to the “R”, so that, in the end, it will not be a totally satisfying experience for either the “G” or the “R” crowd.
Emma Stone takes on the title role of CRUELLA and in this film you watch her become the Cruella DeVille that you see in the Disney Animated Film (and the Glenn Close live action remake). Stone is very good in this role - almost a perfect fit. However, it looks to me that she is having a much better time playing the evil “R” rated version of Cruella rather then the comic-bookish “G” rated version, so her performance is, at times, brilliant and at other times, not as brillaint.
Emma Thompson steals just about every scene she is in as Cruella’s nemesis “The Baroness”. It’s good to see this terrific actress getting a role that she can really sink her teeth in. I hope this leads to other, strong important roles for this actress “of a certain age”.
The supporting players are strong…or should I say…Mark Strong (hehehehe). He brings his usual gravitas to the role of The Baroness’ right-hand man. But the players who impressed me the most were Joel Fry (YESTERDAY) and Paul Walter Hauser (RICHARD JEWELL) as Cruella’s 2 best friends/henchmen. They both were able to flesh out these characters (who are usually portrayed as bumbling buffoons) and both were able to find the line between “G” and “R” very well - and stay on it the entire film.
Director Craig Gillespie (I, TONYA) finds the correct tone for this film more often than not, but it is in the “not” portion of this that he fails this movie. The shifts in tone (often on a dime) are often jarring and the blame for this would have to be put right at the Director’s feet, though the look of this film (sort of a 1960’s Austin Powers meets SteamPunk look) succeeds VERY well and is as much a character in this film as the performers.
One final thing, the soundtrack used in CRUELLA is an interesting touch. Gillespie and Composer Nicholas Britell eschews (for the most part) a conventional score and highlights most of the scenes with a Pop song - though here Gillespie whips us around tonally as well. For, since the film is set in 1960’s London, a good many of the tunes used are ‘60 (and early ‘70’s) rock hits. But….every now and then…he will drop in a ‘80’s number.
But…as I sit and write this review, I am finding myself falling more and more on the side of “I Liked It”, so…set aside the tonal shifts…and you will be entertained by CRUELLA much more than you would expect.
Letter Grade: B+
7 1/2 (out of 10) stars and you can take that to the Bank (ofMarquis)
An that, ultimately, is the issue with this film, it bounces around tonally - sometimes bumping up against the “G” rating and often times landing closer to the “R”, so that, in the end, it will not be a totally satisfying experience for either the “G” or the “R” crowd.
Emma Stone takes on the title role of CRUELLA and in this film you watch her become the Cruella DeVille that you see in the Disney Animated Film (and the Glenn Close live action remake). Stone is very good in this role - almost a perfect fit. However, it looks to me that she is having a much better time playing the evil “R” rated version of Cruella rather then the comic-bookish “G” rated version, so her performance is, at times, brilliant and at other times, not as brillaint.
Emma Thompson steals just about every scene she is in as Cruella’s nemesis “The Baroness”. It’s good to see this terrific actress getting a role that she can really sink her teeth in. I hope this leads to other, strong important roles for this actress “of a certain age”.
The supporting players are strong…or should I say…Mark Strong (hehehehe). He brings his usual gravitas to the role of The Baroness’ right-hand man. But the players who impressed me the most were Joel Fry (YESTERDAY) and Paul Walter Hauser (RICHARD JEWELL) as Cruella’s 2 best friends/henchmen. They both were able to flesh out these characters (who are usually portrayed as bumbling buffoons) and both were able to find the line between “G” and “R” very well - and stay on it the entire film.
Director Craig Gillespie (I, TONYA) finds the correct tone for this film more often than not, but it is in the “not” portion of this that he fails this movie. The shifts in tone (often on a dime) are often jarring and the blame for this would have to be put right at the Director’s feet, though the look of this film (sort of a 1960’s Austin Powers meets SteamPunk look) succeeds VERY well and is as much a character in this film as the performers.
One final thing, the soundtrack used in CRUELLA is an interesting touch. Gillespie and Composer Nicholas Britell eschews (for the most part) a conventional score and highlights most of the scenes with a Pop song - though here Gillespie whips us around tonally as well. For, since the film is set in 1960’s London, a good many of the tunes used are ‘60 (and early ‘70’s) rock hits. But….every now and then…he will drop in a ‘80’s number.
But…as I sit and write this review, I am finding myself falling more and more on the side of “I Liked It”, so…set aside the tonal shifts…and you will be entertained by CRUELLA much more than you would expect.
Letter Grade: B+
7 1/2 (out of 10) stars and you can take that to the Bank (ofMarquis)
Bob Mann (459 KP) rated Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (2017) in Movies
Sep 29, 2021
The most fun you can have with Jack Black’s penis.
In 1995, Joe Johnston (“The Rocketeer”, “Captain America: The First Avenger”) directed “Jumanji” – a quirky, fantastical and dark film starring the late, great Robin Williams that got a rough critical reception at the time of release, but was embraced by the public and has gone on to be a modern classic. So when it was announced that a sequel was in the works 22 years later, my first reaction was “Oh no… is nothing sacred?”. It’s fair to say that I went into this flick with extremely low expectations.
But I have to say that – given this low base – I was pleasantly surprised. It’s actually quite a fun fantasy film that I predict that older kids will adore.
Seriously kick-ass. Karen Gillan – or rather one of her stunt doubles – gets hands… er… feet on with an aggressive level-character.
Initially set (neatly) in 1995, a teen – Alex (Nick Jonas, of the Jonas Brothers) unearths the board game Jumanji where it ended up buried in beach-sand at the end of the last film. “Who plays board games any more?” he scoffs, which the game hears and morphs into a game cartridge. Cheesy? Yes, but no more crazy than the goings on of the first film. Back in 2017, four high-school teens – geeky Spencer (Alex Wolff, “Patriot’s Day“); sports-jock Fridge (Ser’Darius Blain); self-obsessed beauty Bethany (Madison Iseman); and self-conscious, nerdy and shy Martha (Morgan Turner) – find the game and are sucked into it, having to complete all the game levels before they can escape.
Bethany (Madison Iseman) wishing she had her phone out for a selfie of this.
But they are not themselves in the game; they adopt the Avatars they chose to play: Dr Bravestone (Dwayne Johnson, “San Andreas“); Moose Finbar (Kevin Hart, “Get Hard“); Ruby Roundhouse (Karen Gillan, “Dr Who”, “The Circle“; “Guardians of the Galaxy“); and Professor Shelly Oberon (Jack Black, “Sex Tape“, “Kong”). Can they combine their respective game talents – and suppress the human mental baggage they brought with them – to escape the game?
Avatars all. Kevin Hart, Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan and Jack Black.
There was a really dark time-travelling angle to the storyline of the original film – the traumatic start of Disney’s “Flight of the Navigator” was perhaps also borrowed from the concept in the book by Chris Van Allsburg. An attempt is made to recreate this in the sequel. I felt the first film rather pulled its punches though in favour of a Hollywood happy ending: will this be the case this time?
The film delivers laughs, but in a rather inconsistent fashion – it is mostly smile-worthy rather than laugh-out-loud funny. Much fun is had with the sex change of Bethany’s character, with Jack Black’s member featuring – erm – prominently. The characters all have strengths and weaknesses, like a game of Top Trumps, and this also entertains. But the most humour derives from the “three lives and it’s game over” device giving the opportunity for various grisly ends, often relating to the above referenced weaknesses.
A weakness for cake… something many of us have, but not quite to this extent.
Given the cast that’s been signed up, the acting is not exactly first rate although Karen Gillan shines as the brightest star. But “it’s not bloody Shakespeare” so ham-acting is not that much of a problem and the cast all have fun with their roles. Dwayne Johnson in particular gets to play out of character as the ‘nerd within the hunk’, and his “smouldering look” skill – arched eyebrow and all – is hilarious. Rhys Darby, looking so much like Hugh Jackman that I had to do several double takes, also turns up as an English game-guide in a Land Rover, and Bobby Cannavale (“Ant Man“) is Van Pelt, the villain of the piece.
There has been much controversy over Karen Gillan’s child-sized outfit. But she is clearly a parallel to the well-endowed Lara Croft, and young male teens didn’t play that game for the jungle scenery! She is meant to be a hot and sexy video game character, and man – does she deliver! Gillan is not just hot in the film: she is #lavahot. This makes her comic attempts at flirting lessons (as the internally conflicted Martha) especially funny. Hats off to her stunt doubles as well, for some awe-inspiring martial arts fight scenes.
Seeing treble. Karen Gillan (centre) with her talented stunt doubles Joanna Bennett and Jahnel Curfman.
Fans of “Lost” will delight in the Jumanji scenery, surely one of the most over-used film locations in Hawaii if not the world!
Where the film gets bogged down is in too much cod-faced philosophizing over the teenager’s “journeys”. This is laid on in such a clunky manner in the early (slow!) scenes that the script could have been significantly tightened up. And as I said above the script, written (rather obviously) by a raft of writers, could have been so much funnier. Most of the humour comes from visually seeing what’s happening: not from the dialogue.
Directed by Jake Kasdan (son of director and Star Wars/Raiders screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan) it’s really not half as bad as it could have been and certainly not as bad as I feared: I would gladly watch it again. For it’s target audience, which is probably kids aged 10 to 14, I think they will love it. And, unlike many holiday films, the parents won’t be totally bored either (especially the Dads, for the obvious misogynistic reasons outlined above!).
But I have to say that – given this low base – I was pleasantly surprised. It’s actually quite a fun fantasy film that I predict that older kids will adore.
Seriously kick-ass. Karen Gillan – or rather one of her stunt doubles – gets hands… er… feet on with an aggressive level-character.
Initially set (neatly) in 1995, a teen – Alex (Nick Jonas, of the Jonas Brothers) unearths the board game Jumanji where it ended up buried in beach-sand at the end of the last film. “Who plays board games any more?” he scoffs, which the game hears and morphs into a game cartridge. Cheesy? Yes, but no more crazy than the goings on of the first film. Back in 2017, four high-school teens – geeky Spencer (Alex Wolff, “Patriot’s Day“); sports-jock Fridge (Ser’Darius Blain); self-obsessed beauty Bethany (Madison Iseman); and self-conscious, nerdy and shy Martha (Morgan Turner) – find the game and are sucked into it, having to complete all the game levels before they can escape.
Bethany (Madison Iseman) wishing she had her phone out for a selfie of this.
But they are not themselves in the game; they adopt the Avatars they chose to play: Dr Bravestone (Dwayne Johnson, “San Andreas“); Moose Finbar (Kevin Hart, “Get Hard“); Ruby Roundhouse (Karen Gillan, “Dr Who”, “The Circle“; “Guardians of the Galaxy“); and Professor Shelly Oberon (Jack Black, “Sex Tape“, “Kong”). Can they combine their respective game talents – and suppress the human mental baggage they brought with them – to escape the game?
Avatars all. Kevin Hart, Dwayne Johnson, Karen Gillan and Jack Black.
There was a really dark time-travelling angle to the storyline of the original film – the traumatic start of Disney’s “Flight of the Navigator” was perhaps also borrowed from the concept in the book by Chris Van Allsburg. An attempt is made to recreate this in the sequel. I felt the first film rather pulled its punches though in favour of a Hollywood happy ending: will this be the case this time?
The film delivers laughs, but in a rather inconsistent fashion – it is mostly smile-worthy rather than laugh-out-loud funny. Much fun is had with the sex change of Bethany’s character, with Jack Black’s member featuring – erm – prominently. The characters all have strengths and weaknesses, like a game of Top Trumps, and this also entertains. But the most humour derives from the “three lives and it’s game over” device giving the opportunity for various grisly ends, often relating to the above referenced weaknesses.
A weakness for cake… something many of us have, but not quite to this extent.
Given the cast that’s been signed up, the acting is not exactly first rate although Karen Gillan shines as the brightest star. But “it’s not bloody Shakespeare” so ham-acting is not that much of a problem and the cast all have fun with their roles. Dwayne Johnson in particular gets to play out of character as the ‘nerd within the hunk’, and his “smouldering look” skill – arched eyebrow and all – is hilarious. Rhys Darby, looking so much like Hugh Jackman that I had to do several double takes, also turns up as an English game-guide in a Land Rover, and Bobby Cannavale (“Ant Man“) is Van Pelt, the villain of the piece.
There has been much controversy over Karen Gillan’s child-sized outfit. But she is clearly a parallel to the well-endowed Lara Croft, and young male teens didn’t play that game for the jungle scenery! She is meant to be a hot and sexy video game character, and man – does she deliver! Gillan is not just hot in the film: she is #lavahot. This makes her comic attempts at flirting lessons (as the internally conflicted Martha) especially funny. Hats off to her stunt doubles as well, for some awe-inspiring martial arts fight scenes.
Seeing treble. Karen Gillan (centre) with her talented stunt doubles Joanna Bennett and Jahnel Curfman.
Fans of “Lost” will delight in the Jumanji scenery, surely one of the most over-used film locations in Hawaii if not the world!
Where the film gets bogged down is in too much cod-faced philosophizing over the teenager’s “journeys”. This is laid on in such a clunky manner in the early (slow!) scenes that the script could have been significantly tightened up. And as I said above the script, written (rather obviously) by a raft of writers, could have been so much funnier. Most of the humour comes from visually seeing what’s happening: not from the dialogue.
Directed by Jake Kasdan (son of director and Star Wars/Raiders screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan) it’s really not half as bad as it could have been and certainly not as bad as I feared: I would gladly watch it again. For it’s target audience, which is probably kids aged 10 to 14, I think they will love it. And, unlike many holiday films, the parents won’t be totally bored either (especially the Dads, for the obvious misogynistic reasons outlined above!).
Gareth von Kallenbach (980 KP) rated X-Men Origins - Wolverine (2009) in Movies
Aug 14, 2019
The 2009 summer movie season has arrived with the releases of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, which once again stars Hugh Jackman in the role of the razor clawed Wolverine.
The film follows the characters origins in the mid 1800’s and how circumstances forced a young Logan to leave his home and spend the years hiding who he was.
With the only link to his past, a fellow mutant named Victor (Liev Schrieber), Logan and Victor ride out the years side by side taking part in wars ranging from The Civil War to Vietnam all the while trying as best as they can to hide their true nature.
When Victor starts to enjoy killing too much, and Logan tries to intercede, the duo find themselves the subject of unwanted attention in the guise of an officer named William Styker (William Houston), who recruits the duo to be part of a special team.
Victor and Logan find themselves part of a team of special powered operatives which includes the marksman Agent Zero (Daniel Henney), the Blade twirling Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds), The Blob (Kevin Durand), Bolt (Dominic Monaghan), and more. When an operation goes too far, Logan turns his back on the team for a peaceful life as a lumberjack and lives for years in peace with a woman named Kayla (Lynn Collins) very much in love.
Try as Logan may to escape his past, he is unable to when Stryker arrives and tells him that someone is hunting down the former team. Logan ignores the warning and is devastated when Victor is revealed to be behind the killings and strikes a devastating blow to Logan.
With nowhere to go, Logan agrees to Stryker’s plan and undergoes an experiment which infuses his body with the indestructible Adamantium but soon finds himself again on the run when he is betrayed and learns the true nature of Stryker’s plans.
In a race against time, Logan must find the mysterious Island where Stryker has captured several mutants for his experiments and exact his revenge.
The new film was plagued by rumors of issues, which were heightened by reported reshoots and script changes, but thankfully manages to pull together to be an enjoyable summer film. Some may say the film took a bit to get up to the action sequences, but thanks to the great play between Jackman and Schrieber, the film keeps your attention.
There are some solid action sequences in the film and Jackman does not disappoint as we gain insights into the mercurial nature of Wolverine, and how various aspects of his character such as his memory loss came to be.
I would have liked to have seen more action in the film as the main action scenes were a bit to restrained and infrequent for my liking. When I go to a summer movie, I expect to be blown away by the action, and with this one, I had a sense of being underwhelmed by the films action sequences, even the climactic battle.
This is not to say the film is bad, simply that it lacks the needed gear to shift the film into overdrive. I did enjoy Jackman’s performance and it was great seeing the new characters in the film especially Gambit. Fans with sharp eyes will note many characters pop up in cameos and there are some real surprise visits in the film. In the end, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” is better than the last X-Men film and should prove enough life in the series for future projects.
The film follows the characters origins in the mid 1800’s and how circumstances forced a young Logan to leave his home and spend the years hiding who he was.
With the only link to his past, a fellow mutant named Victor (Liev Schrieber), Logan and Victor ride out the years side by side taking part in wars ranging from The Civil War to Vietnam all the while trying as best as they can to hide their true nature.
When Victor starts to enjoy killing too much, and Logan tries to intercede, the duo find themselves the subject of unwanted attention in the guise of an officer named William Styker (William Houston), who recruits the duo to be part of a special team.
Victor and Logan find themselves part of a team of special powered operatives which includes the marksman Agent Zero (Daniel Henney), the Blade twirling Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds), The Blob (Kevin Durand), Bolt (Dominic Monaghan), and more. When an operation goes too far, Logan turns his back on the team for a peaceful life as a lumberjack and lives for years in peace with a woman named Kayla (Lynn Collins) very much in love.
Try as Logan may to escape his past, he is unable to when Stryker arrives and tells him that someone is hunting down the former team. Logan ignores the warning and is devastated when Victor is revealed to be behind the killings and strikes a devastating blow to Logan.
With nowhere to go, Logan agrees to Stryker’s plan and undergoes an experiment which infuses his body with the indestructible Adamantium but soon finds himself again on the run when he is betrayed and learns the true nature of Stryker’s plans.
In a race against time, Logan must find the mysterious Island where Stryker has captured several mutants for his experiments and exact his revenge.
The new film was plagued by rumors of issues, which were heightened by reported reshoots and script changes, but thankfully manages to pull together to be an enjoyable summer film. Some may say the film took a bit to get up to the action sequences, but thanks to the great play between Jackman and Schrieber, the film keeps your attention.
There are some solid action sequences in the film and Jackman does not disappoint as we gain insights into the mercurial nature of Wolverine, and how various aspects of his character such as his memory loss came to be.
I would have liked to have seen more action in the film as the main action scenes were a bit to restrained and infrequent for my liking. When I go to a summer movie, I expect to be blown away by the action, and with this one, I had a sense of being underwhelmed by the films action sequences, even the climactic battle.
This is not to say the film is bad, simply that it lacks the needed gear to shift the film into overdrive. I did enjoy Jackman’s performance and it was great seeing the new characters in the film especially Gambit. Fans with sharp eyes will note many characters pop up in cameos and there are some real surprise visits in the film. In the end, “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” is better than the last X-Men film and should prove enough life in the series for future projects.
Gareth von Kallenbach (980 KP) rated Wild Hogs (2007) in Movies
Aug 14, 2019
When four middle aged men all face a collection of issues at the same time, some people might think this premise is a setup for an emotional drama that will explore aging from a men’s point of view.
However in the new film Wild Hogs, the topic is skewered with hysterical results thanks to a great cast and some very funny moments.
When dentist Doug (Tim Allen), worries he has lost his edge and can no longer connect with his past glory, he convinces the three members of his local biking club to join him on a cross country trip from Ohio to California.
Along for the ride are Woody (John Travolta), who has learned he is broke and is getting divorced from his supermodel wife, Shy and socially awkward computer programmer Dudley (William H. Macy), and henpecked plumber Bobby (Martin Lawrence), who after taking a year off to work on a project that has not come to fruition, now finds himself facing the same plumbing issues that made him flee in the first place.
None of the men are happy with their place in life and are in need of a spark to lift them from their middle aged funk. The group sets off and soon finds one misfortune after another as well as some very awkward moments with law enforcement, male bonding, and an over eager family they meet along the way.
Despite this, this trip is going well until the group decides to stop for a drink at a local biker bar. Once in the bar, the leader of the Del Fuegos, Jack (Ray Liotta) decides to make life hard for the guys as he cannot stand suburbanites passing themselves off as bikers. He decides to take one of their bikes and not allow the group to venture further West down the highway in front of the bar.
Resigned to their fate, the guys are ready to head back, when Woody decides to fix the situation and sneaks back to recover Dudley’s bike and play a trick on the Del Fuegos. Everything goes according to plan until the bar explodes from the prank, and the guys end up running from the bikers who are bent on revenge.
The only issue is that Woody has not told the other three what he did, and has his friends convinced that he had a conversation with the bikers where they came to an understanding. Undaunted, the guys stop at a local New Mexico town for gas and learn that they must wait until Monday for the gas station to reopen.
Of course, Woody is freaking out as he knows the bikers will be out looking for them, and matters are further compounded when Dudley falls for a local restaurant owner (Marissa Tomei), and is eager to hang around for a few more days.
What follows is a funny set of circumstances as the guys take part in the local community while they wait for gas, which ultimately leads up to a final confrontation with the Del Fuegos.
Wild Hogs, is one of the funnier comedies I have seen in a while. I went in not expecting much, and I must say I was very surprised. The four leads work well with one another, and there are some very funny segments in the film, which I will not spoil for you, but suffice it to say the audience was in hysterics.
It is rare to find a comedy that not only makes you laugh but makes you leave the theater with a smile, and this film delivers.
However in the new film Wild Hogs, the topic is skewered with hysterical results thanks to a great cast and some very funny moments.
When dentist Doug (Tim Allen), worries he has lost his edge and can no longer connect with his past glory, he convinces the three members of his local biking club to join him on a cross country trip from Ohio to California.
Along for the ride are Woody (John Travolta), who has learned he is broke and is getting divorced from his supermodel wife, Shy and socially awkward computer programmer Dudley (William H. Macy), and henpecked plumber Bobby (Martin Lawrence), who after taking a year off to work on a project that has not come to fruition, now finds himself facing the same plumbing issues that made him flee in the first place.
None of the men are happy with their place in life and are in need of a spark to lift them from their middle aged funk. The group sets off and soon finds one misfortune after another as well as some very awkward moments with law enforcement, male bonding, and an over eager family they meet along the way.
Despite this, this trip is going well until the group decides to stop for a drink at a local biker bar. Once in the bar, the leader of the Del Fuegos, Jack (Ray Liotta) decides to make life hard for the guys as he cannot stand suburbanites passing themselves off as bikers. He decides to take one of their bikes and not allow the group to venture further West down the highway in front of the bar.
Resigned to their fate, the guys are ready to head back, when Woody decides to fix the situation and sneaks back to recover Dudley’s bike and play a trick on the Del Fuegos. Everything goes according to plan until the bar explodes from the prank, and the guys end up running from the bikers who are bent on revenge.
The only issue is that Woody has not told the other three what he did, and has his friends convinced that he had a conversation with the bikers where they came to an understanding. Undaunted, the guys stop at a local New Mexico town for gas and learn that they must wait until Monday for the gas station to reopen.
Of course, Woody is freaking out as he knows the bikers will be out looking for them, and matters are further compounded when Dudley falls for a local restaurant owner (Marissa Tomei), and is eager to hang around for a few more days.
What follows is a funny set of circumstances as the guys take part in the local community while they wait for gas, which ultimately leads up to a final confrontation with the Del Fuegos.
Wild Hogs, is one of the funnier comedies I have seen in a while. I went in not expecting much, and I must say I was very surprised. The four leads work well with one another, and there are some very funny segments in the film, which I will not spoil for you, but suffice it to say the audience was in hysterics.
It is rare to find a comedy that not only makes you laugh but makes you leave the theater with a smile, and this film delivers.
Before You Hit Send: Preventing Headache and Heartache
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When will we learn? With every sunrise we are given plenty of new examples of people "Hitting Send"...
5 Minute Movie Guy (379 KP) rated The Fault In Our Stars (2014) in Movies
Jun 26, 2019 (Updated Jun 26, 2019)
Undoubtedly one of the great love stories of our time. (3 more)
Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort are a perfect match.
John Green's novel is brilliantly adapted to the silver screen.
This is a movie that will stay with you long after it's over.
On the surface, it's easy to dismiss The Fault in Our Stars as being a sappy teenage love affair, but I can fortunately say that this is one of the great love stories of our time.
Based on John Green’s popular young adult novel, The Fault in Our Stars is a film that is profoundly beautiful, eloquent and heartfelt. It tells of an extraordinary love between two unforgettable characters who are brought together by similarly ill-fated circumstances. Hazel Grace Lancaster and Augustus Waters are both victims of cancer. Although they do their best to hide it, these two young adults are each afraid of their ominous and unstable futures. They’re just trying to live purposeful lives and experience life like normal teenagers, but the looming threat of an untimely death impedes that desire. However, for a film filled with so much uncertainty, I can fortunately say that there is little doubt that The Fault in Our Stars is one of the great love stories of our time.
On the surface, it’s easy to dismiss The Fault in Our Stars as being a sappy teenage love affair. I’ll confess that I went into the theater expecting to be fully surrounded by crying teenage girls, while I would be quietly laughing to myself at their heartache. What I surely didn’t anticipate, however, was to be so deeply drawn into the film. Even more surprising is the fact that The Fault in Our Stars has actually turned out to be my favorite movie of the year so far. This is a film that is sincerely heartfelt and unflinchingly genuine. It brings truth to the romantic fantasies we have, and teaches us that we can’t let the fear of possible heartache hold us back from the endless potential of love.
Make no mistake about it, The Fault in Our Stars is a tear-jerker. It’s difficult to watch these lovable characters endure such unjustifiable hardship. Hazel and Augustus are each forced to face a formidable fate that they shouldn’t have to. I really felt a strong attachment to both of them, and found them to be remarkably identifiable. This connection makes it all the more unsettling when their situations turn dire. The reason that The Fault in Our Stars manages to be so effective is because of its authenticity and accessibility. The characters are not only admirable, but relatable. They’re not simply reduced to being unfortunate young cancer patients that we’re meant to feel sorry for. While of course we can sympathize with their condition, it is their compassion and the content of their characters that make them so compelling.
While the film features its fair share of tragedy, I should make it clear that it’s not heart-wrenchingly malicious in the way it deals with its ensuing sadness. This is not a film that is deliberately trying to make anyone feel bad. It is merely being honest in its depiction of the unfairness that often exists in life. While you very well might cry when watching the film, it’s not entirely depressing and hopeless. In fact, I would argue that The Fault in Our Stars is more pleasant than painful. The sadness it makes you feel ends up all being worthwhile because of the joyous, unforgettable memories the movie creates along the way. This is a film that will stay with you long after seeing it. To answer the question you’re all wondering: no, the movie didn’t make me cry. Though my lack of tears is not a particularly good indicator of the emotional quality of the film. I don’t really allow myself to cry during movies, but I certainly came close, and it undeniably left me deeply touched and forever grateful that I watched it.
Being that this is a romance, I must warn you that this isn’t a movie for everyone. Truth be told, I’m a sucker for a good romance, but I’m aware not everyone has the patience for these kind of movies. The Fault in Our Stars is a slow-burning journey that takes its time to relish in the moments. It does this skillfully, maintaining a steady, balanced pace while building up to a powerful climax. Some may find the film to be a little too cutesy, but I think anyone who approaches it with an open-mind will find that it’s legitimately a really great film. My only real criticism of the movie involves the awkward return of a particular character towards the end of the movie. It makes for a rather unwelcome and perplexing intrusion, although it does at least help to set up the film’s wonderful ending.
John Green’s story is refreshing, witty, and modern. It is not only insightful in its depiction of love and life, but also offers an amazing attention to detail. It nails the feelings of love, and perfectly captures the life of being a teenager. The characters created by Green truly come to life in this film. Divergent star Shailene Woodley shines as Hazel, a young woman suffering from terminal thyroid cancer. Additionally, Ansel Elgort is incredibly charming as Augustus, a high school basketball star whose career ended short when cancer turned him into an amputee. The two of them are a perfect complementary match. Laura Dern also puts in a commendable performance as Hazel’s mom, a selfless, loving parent and companion. The film’s soundtrack is sensational. It’s appropriately fitting and delightful, featuring great work by artists such as Ed Sheeran, Birdy, and Ray LaMontagne. Every aspect of the movie comes together to produce a thoroughly poignant and relevant package.
The Fault in Our Stars is a film that speaks to our generation. It stares boldly into our fears of the eminent death that haunts us all, and makes no attempt to glamorize it. Even though it’s about a pair of teenagers, it’s not afraid to deal with mature content. It’s actually all the more engrossing and troubling because these two characters are young. They’re already facing a pivotal time in their lives and are learning to experience the world on their own accord, and yet their journeys are plagued by the callous complications of cancer. Their age gives the film a stronger emotional impact, emphasizing the preciousness of life and the importance of living it to the fullest. The Fault in Our Stars is a smart and stimulating movie, and just like its star characters, it is wholly worthy of remembrance.
(This review was originally posted at 5mmg.com on 7.12.14.)
On the surface, it’s easy to dismiss The Fault in Our Stars as being a sappy teenage love affair. I’ll confess that I went into the theater expecting to be fully surrounded by crying teenage girls, while I would be quietly laughing to myself at their heartache. What I surely didn’t anticipate, however, was to be so deeply drawn into the film. Even more surprising is the fact that The Fault in Our Stars has actually turned out to be my favorite movie of the year so far. This is a film that is sincerely heartfelt and unflinchingly genuine. It brings truth to the romantic fantasies we have, and teaches us that we can’t let the fear of possible heartache hold us back from the endless potential of love.
Make no mistake about it, The Fault in Our Stars is a tear-jerker. It’s difficult to watch these lovable characters endure such unjustifiable hardship. Hazel and Augustus are each forced to face a formidable fate that they shouldn’t have to. I really felt a strong attachment to both of them, and found them to be remarkably identifiable. This connection makes it all the more unsettling when their situations turn dire. The reason that The Fault in Our Stars manages to be so effective is because of its authenticity and accessibility. The characters are not only admirable, but relatable. They’re not simply reduced to being unfortunate young cancer patients that we’re meant to feel sorry for. While of course we can sympathize with their condition, it is their compassion and the content of their characters that make them so compelling.
While the film features its fair share of tragedy, I should make it clear that it’s not heart-wrenchingly malicious in the way it deals with its ensuing sadness. This is not a film that is deliberately trying to make anyone feel bad. It is merely being honest in its depiction of the unfairness that often exists in life. While you very well might cry when watching the film, it’s not entirely depressing and hopeless. In fact, I would argue that The Fault in Our Stars is more pleasant than painful. The sadness it makes you feel ends up all being worthwhile because of the joyous, unforgettable memories the movie creates along the way. This is a film that will stay with you long after seeing it. To answer the question you’re all wondering: no, the movie didn’t make me cry. Though my lack of tears is not a particularly good indicator of the emotional quality of the film. I don’t really allow myself to cry during movies, but I certainly came close, and it undeniably left me deeply touched and forever grateful that I watched it.
Being that this is a romance, I must warn you that this isn’t a movie for everyone. Truth be told, I’m a sucker for a good romance, but I’m aware not everyone has the patience for these kind of movies. The Fault in Our Stars is a slow-burning journey that takes its time to relish in the moments. It does this skillfully, maintaining a steady, balanced pace while building up to a powerful climax. Some may find the film to be a little too cutesy, but I think anyone who approaches it with an open-mind will find that it’s legitimately a really great film. My only real criticism of the movie involves the awkward return of a particular character towards the end of the movie. It makes for a rather unwelcome and perplexing intrusion, although it does at least help to set up the film’s wonderful ending.
John Green’s story is refreshing, witty, and modern. It is not only insightful in its depiction of love and life, but also offers an amazing attention to detail. It nails the feelings of love, and perfectly captures the life of being a teenager. The characters created by Green truly come to life in this film. Divergent star Shailene Woodley shines as Hazel, a young woman suffering from terminal thyroid cancer. Additionally, Ansel Elgort is incredibly charming as Augustus, a high school basketball star whose career ended short when cancer turned him into an amputee. The two of them are a perfect complementary match. Laura Dern also puts in a commendable performance as Hazel’s mom, a selfless, loving parent and companion. The film’s soundtrack is sensational. It’s appropriately fitting and delightful, featuring great work by artists such as Ed Sheeran, Birdy, and Ray LaMontagne. Every aspect of the movie comes together to produce a thoroughly poignant and relevant package.
The Fault in Our Stars is a film that speaks to our generation. It stares boldly into our fears of the eminent death that haunts us all, and makes no attempt to glamorize it. Even though it’s about a pair of teenagers, it’s not afraid to deal with mature content. It’s actually all the more engrossing and troubling because these two characters are young. They’re already facing a pivotal time in their lives and are learning to experience the world on their own accord, and yet their journeys are plagued by the callous complications of cancer. Their age gives the film a stronger emotional impact, emphasizing the preciousness of life and the importance of living it to the fullest. The Fault in Our Stars is a smart and stimulating movie, and just like its star characters, it is wholly worthy of remembrance.
(This review was originally posted at 5mmg.com on 7.12.14.)
Purple Phoenix Games (2266 KP) rated Tales & Games: The Three Little Pigs in Tabletop Games
Aug 18, 2020
The Wolf always gets a bad rap. Think of all the stories you know that include an anthropomorphic wolf and tell me three that show The Wolf in a positive light. Can’t think of any? Me neither. But they need to eat to survive and it’s tough in these streets! errm, trees! Such is the plight of The Wolf in this one, as he is attempting to wrest the Little Pigs out of their hidey-holes so he can have a nice bacon dinner. And honestly, who can blame him? Bacon!
Tales & Games: The Three Little Pigs (which I will fondly refer to as 3LP for the remainder of this review) is a cute little family dice and take-that game about building houses for maximum points while avoiding The Wolf’s hungry advances. The winner of the game is the Little Piggy who has built the most complete structures using the best materials that afford them the most endgame points.
To setup, sort the building tiles by material type and house level type as shown inside the box cover. Place the dice and spinner nearby. Let the youngest or cutest player go first. The game is now ready to be played!
On a player’s turn they will roll all the dice Yahtzee-style (so with two re-roll attempts), and the remainder of the turn is based on what is rolled. Players are not required to re-roll, but must stop once two or more Wolf symbols are rolled, or after the second re-roll. The player may then use the dice to purchase house materials corresponding to what was rolled. If three doors are rolled, a player may purchase a straw door (which cost two door symbols) or a wooden door (which cost three door symbols). These house parts can be of mixed materials, so once the pieces have been purchased, house construction can then be done.
Should a player roll The Wolf, then the “breath” spinner will be spun. The player who rolled The Wolf dice will choose an opponent AND one of their houses to target. Spin the spinner and destroy all matching pieces in their house. Some children have issues with this, but hey, they should have built more brick sections! Play continues in this fashion taking turns rolling and purchasing and building until several stacks of house sections are gone (depending on player count). All incomplete houses are crumbled, and piggy faces on standing houses are scored to determine the victor! When playing with my kiddo I don’t use the bonus cards, but they are available if playing with older and more strategic players.
Components. As this is one of the famed (and first in the line) Tales & Games Bookshelf games, it has set a standard for the series. These games come in boxes that look like books on the outside, open like a book, and contain a story to be read as a prelude to the game, if wished. The box is very very cool, and the insert is pink and wonderfully designed. The house tiles are thick and colorful, and the pink dice are just a joy to roll. I love the components in this one!
So obviously this is a game really designed to target younger gamers. And though it says 7+ on the box, I have successfully played this with my 3 year old with zero issues. He loves it, and in turn, makes me love it too. Now, I will certainly not pull this out at any given Game Night with adults (unless we have gamer spouses or friends who have NEVER played modern games at all). However, I really do enjoy playing it with my son for now, and for super-newbies. It is colorful, light on rules, offers some choices, and of course, has a touch of luck and take-that. All this while still feeling like you are in the story of The Three Little Pigs. So I say, if you were ever on the fence with this one – get it. Play it with whomever you like and just enjoy it. It is light enough with just a touch of adultness to keep you smiling. But don’t invite your Twilight Imperium or Mage Knight friends. They won’t like it. We at Purple Phoenix Games know how to get down with the simpler games as well, so that’s why we give this one a blown-over 9 / 12.
Tales & Games: The Three Little Pigs (which I will fondly refer to as 3LP for the remainder of this review) is a cute little family dice and take-that game about building houses for maximum points while avoiding The Wolf’s hungry advances. The winner of the game is the Little Piggy who has built the most complete structures using the best materials that afford them the most endgame points.
To setup, sort the building tiles by material type and house level type as shown inside the box cover. Place the dice and spinner nearby. Let the youngest or cutest player go first. The game is now ready to be played!
On a player’s turn they will roll all the dice Yahtzee-style (so with two re-roll attempts), and the remainder of the turn is based on what is rolled. Players are not required to re-roll, but must stop once two or more Wolf symbols are rolled, or after the second re-roll. The player may then use the dice to purchase house materials corresponding to what was rolled. If three doors are rolled, a player may purchase a straw door (which cost two door symbols) or a wooden door (which cost three door symbols). These house parts can be of mixed materials, so once the pieces have been purchased, house construction can then be done.
Should a player roll The Wolf, then the “breath” spinner will be spun. The player who rolled The Wolf dice will choose an opponent AND one of their houses to target. Spin the spinner and destroy all matching pieces in their house. Some children have issues with this, but hey, they should have built more brick sections! Play continues in this fashion taking turns rolling and purchasing and building until several stacks of house sections are gone (depending on player count). All incomplete houses are crumbled, and piggy faces on standing houses are scored to determine the victor! When playing with my kiddo I don’t use the bonus cards, but they are available if playing with older and more strategic players.
Components. As this is one of the famed (and first in the line) Tales & Games Bookshelf games, it has set a standard for the series. These games come in boxes that look like books on the outside, open like a book, and contain a story to be read as a prelude to the game, if wished. The box is very very cool, and the insert is pink and wonderfully designed. The house tiles are thick and colorful, and the pink dice are just a joy to roll. I love the components in this one!
So obviously this is a game really designed to target younger gamers. And though it says 7+ on the box, I have successfully played this with my 3 year old with zero issues. He loves it, and in turn, makes me love it too. Now, I will certainly not pull this out at any given Game Night with adults (unless we have gamer spouses or friends who have NEVER played modern games at all). However, I really do enjoy playing it with my son for now, and for super-newbies. It is colorful, light on rules, offers some choices, and of course, has a touch of luck and take-that. All this while still feeling like you are in the story of The Three Little Pigs. So I say, if you were ever on the fence with this one – get it. Play it with whomever you like and just enjoy it. It is light enough with just a touch of adultness to keep you smiling. But don’t invite your Twilight Imperium or Mage Knight friends. They won’t like it. We at Purple Phoenix Games know how to get down with the simpler games as well, so that’s why we give this one a blown-over 9 / 12.
Gareth von Kallenbach (980 KP) rated Lightyear (2022) in Movies
Jun 13, 2022
The digital magicians at Pixar have returned with an origin story of one of their most famous characters. “Lightyear” opens with an explanation that Andy from “A Toy Story” was given a toy based on his favorite movie in 1995 and that this is the movie upon which the toy was based.
With that explanation out of the way, the film centers on a giant ship deep in space that encounters a planet and awakens Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear (Chris Evans) to investigate. Along with a fellow ranger and a recruit, Buzz scopes out the planet only to discover it is hostile and makes a hasty exit from the planet. Unfortunately, in doing so their ship is damaged and they are left stranded on the planet and forced to establish a colony.
Years later Buzz is about to undergo a test flight based on a new fuel that the colony hopes will replicate their previous source and will allow them to travel at the insane velocities needed to cover millions of light-years.
Things seem to go as planned until a critical failure and Buzz learns that his four-minute flight actually covered several years on the planet. Undaunted Buzz tries again and again and returns to find his friends aging, having children, and passing away with only his robotic cat Sox (Peter Sohn) to keep him connected to his past and assist him.
While this would make for an interesting enough film it is actually just the setup to the larger story which involves a hostile Robot army and an evil menace named Zurg who threatens Buzz and his hastily assembled team of volunteers to save the day.
The film has amazing animation and all the humor and charm that one associates with the best Pixar films and is not above giving the audience an emotional tug here and there along the way as I can remember more than a few Pixar films that caused audiences to tear up.
Since this is the first of the last three Pixar films to make a cinematic release it would be easy to say that it is a return to form for Disney/Pixar but I would say that is an understatement as the film mixes humor, action, and interesting characters to form a very enjoyable and engaging adventure which is one of the most satisfying Pixar films in recent memory and one every bit worthy of their name.
It will be interesting to see what the future holds for this crew as I would very much like to see Buzz and his crew return for new adventures soon as “Lightyear” is a new Pixar classic that the entire family will love.
4.5 stars out of 5
With that explanation out of the way, the film centers on a giant ship deep in space that encounters a planet and awakens Space Ranger Buzz Lightyear (Chris Evans) to investigate. Along with a fellow ranger and a recruit, Buzz scopes out the planet only to discover it is hostile and makes a hasty exit from the planet. Unfortunately, in doing so their ship is damaged and they are left stranded on the planet and forced to establish a colony.
Years later Buzz is about to undergo a test flight based on a new fuel that the colony hopes will replicate their previous source and will allow them to travel at the insane velocities needed to cover millions of light-years.
Things seem to go as planned until a critical failure and Buzz learns that his four-minute flight actually covered several years on the planet. Undaunted Buzz tries again and again and returns to find his friends aging, having children, and passing away with only his robotic cat Sox (Peter Sohn) to keep him connected to his past and assist him.
While this would make for an interesting enough film it is actually just the setup to the larger story which involves a hostile Robot army and an evil menace named Zurg who threatens Buzz and his hastily assembled team of volunteers to save the day.
The film has amazing animation and all the humor and charm that one associates with the best Pixar films and is not above giving the audience an emotional tug here and there along the way as I can remember more than a few Pixar films that caused audiences to tear up.
Since this is the first of the last three Pixar films to make a cinematic release it would be easy to say that it is a return to form for Disney/Pixar but I would say that is an understatement as the film mixes humor, action, and interesting characters to form a very enjoyable and engaging adventure which is one of the most satisfying Pixar films in recent memory and one every bit worthy of their name.
It will be interesting to see what the future holds for this crew as I would very much like to see Buzz and his crew return for new adventures soon as “Lightyear” is a new Pixar classic that the entire family will love.
4.5 stars out of 5
Rest by Charlotte Gainsbourg
7.0
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A Bibliophagist (113 KP) rated Space Opera in Books
Jan 25, 2020 (Updated Jan 25, 2020)
Fun writing (2 more)
Creative
Witty
Overwritten (3 more)
Lacking plot
Disjointed and distracted
Boring
Technicolor Encyclopedia entry
Space Opera seems to be a book, that based on other reviews, you either love or hate. The love reviewers can't seem to tell me why they love it, most attempting to replicate the style of the author and relying on a menagerie of adjectives to express themselves. "A glitter punk, Eurovision romp!" "Technicolor whirlwind!" but not actually saying WHY they liked it, or just saying "well you didn't get the humor". The ones who disliked it are pretty clear, and as I struggled with this book I found I agreed with their complaints. However, I have to thank the sheer number of DNFs from the disliked group for causing me to, ironically, finish it. I hate DNFing books, to begin with, but when I saw just how many bad reviews didn't make it through, it felt as bad as the good reviews not actually reviewing anything. So I powered through, and honestly, it was worth finishing. The author really got back on track and it was a great ending.
Valente has in fact given us a Eurovision, glitter punk, electric baby with Douglas Adams, her writing fantastical and humorous, her characters vapid but in a washed-out musician kind of way. She really thought about this book, creating droves of aliens and probably destroying a number of thesauri to bring them to life. We follow Decibel Jones of the "oh you haven't heard of it, well we used to be a thing" Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros. A washed-up, no longer active glitter punk band who is an amalgam of every band you probably are thinking of when trying to grasp what that description means.
The book opens with a wonderfully witty description of how there is in fact other life out there in the universe, life is easy to come by, they've just been off doing a galactic war and while they were gone we kind of popped up. Life is stupid. This part is the best part of the book. The humor is on point, the prose magnificant. She is spot on and very pointed in her argument for why war happens. It's people vs meat, and how does one determine something isn't meat, but in fact sentient? Well, no one really figured that out, hence the galactic war, but NOW post-war they think they've figured it out. Intergalactic Music competition. Makes sense, only something sentient could create music right?
Well, this year is a special year because Earth is invited, we've been deemed "may be sentient", but questionable enough that they'd rather not let us just hang out and become annoying someday. So we have to present a band and performance for consideration. We just have to not place last. If we don't place last, we're part of the club and we'll be a-ok. If we place last, we'll be destroyed, because they already think we're annoying and that will mean we're meat. People vs meat remember?
So, one day everyone on the planet earth, everyone, awake or sleeping is visited by the blue birdlike projection of our assigned guides, the Esca, and alien species that are new to the whole being accepted as a sentient thing, and will guide us through the competition. Which it is now telling us about, Suprise! They've chosen a list of musicians they think will do well, however it's outdated and only one band is really able to do it, the has-beens, who are they, Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros. Time was rough on our glam-punk friends as it tends to be on musicians, they lost the third member about a decade ago, the two remaining no longer talk. Decibel is a trainwreck, and Oort St Ultraviolet is now just a dad who very much wants to be a regular dude. But now they're being whisked off into space to sing for the world's salvation.
Sounds pretty fun right? This plus Douglas Adams type prose and humor? A real knock out. Unfortunately, that story I just described takes up... maybe a quarter of the book, MAYBE. You can pull the main story out and put it into a book that might be too small to be a novella. Because of this, the backstory, development, and exploration of these characters are slim to nothing. There is some mind you, but very little. It isn't until the 180pg mark or so that Valente actually decides to focus on the plot, giving very little time to do the entire Grand Prix, the actual competition takes up a page. A 288-page book about a singing competition and only 1-2 pages is actually the singing competition. Tack on another 10 maybe for the weird cocktail death party right before, that didn't have enough attempted death to make any real point of it, plus maybe another 5-10 scattered throughout the book on the back story and leading up to the story, and we've got MAYBE 25 pages of the actual plot. My math is wrong, I know, but it sure FEELS like this.
So, in a 288-page book, with 25 pages being the actual story, what are the other 263 pages? It was the author being somewhat... I don't mean to sound mean, but full of herself? She tried WAY too hard on this style she was going for. It felt like an "oh, you liked that opening chapter, didn't you? You totally read it out loud to your boyfriend, well here let me give it to you again, and again, and ... again". This book suffers from a severe case of needing to be edited. Of someone saying "that's enough now dear, but what about the story". Every few pages of the backstory of the plot we got were met with full chapters, sometimes multiple of Valente describing yet another alien species she's created, in yet another chain of witty simile and metaphor. To the point where sometimes I no longer knew what was happening, they were all interchangeable, which alien are we talking about now? It went on and on and on, and I never knew how such humorous writing could be just so soul suckingly boring. When she ran out of aliens it was describing previous grand prix's and how the aliens sang. In the exact same, formulaic, witty simile, witty simile, witty simile. Don't get me wrong, there were some absolute gems in here. Some that made me laugh out loud. But it's all about the ratio. I would trade in a heartbeat the ratio in this book. 263 pages of plot, and 25 pages of aliens described in witty simile. It took everything in my power after the third alien chapter to not skim. But she fit so much into a sentence that I was scared somewhere hiding would be a plot point (spoiler alert, there wasn't, skim away).
Then around the 180 page mark, a flip was switched, it was almost as if she went "crap, a story!" the adjective use was slimmed down dramatically and we actually got more than one chapter in a row with a plot point. But at this point, it was too late, the end of the book was hurdling at us and very little had happened and the book pretty much fizzled out with an "oh yeah, the Grand Prix happened". Mind you, the finale was very heartwarming and I liked it a lot. I just wish I hadn't had to read a full chapter about hairbrush interspecies sex to get there, and instead had more of it. But ironically, the hairbrush sex had more plot advancement that the majority of the book.
The ending did, however, for one moment, make me forget that I had just read an encyclopedia of descriptors and was happy for a few minutes. So good on her for that. That proves to me that she can write more than glittery descriptions, which then made me sad I didn't have more of that writing. With just a spattering of the gold of her opening chapters. I am glad I finished the book, the story, what little there was, was worth the read. However, I have no desire to read any other of Valente's writing now, and if there was a sequel, I just don't think I have it in me to read another 263 pages of description. Cool idea, good ability, just terribly executed. She could easily have released a separate book, expanding on a handful of species she established in the book, like an alien compendium, and I would have read it, and laughed, and been okay because I went into it expecting it. But I went into this wanting a story, not a neon throwup encyclopedia of just how "oh so creative" Valente is. That came off harsh, I know, but they blew past the fine line of interesting and well into the self-serving, look what I can do, territory. What suffered for it wasn't just a large number of DNFs, and my sanity for a few days, but an actually interesting, fun, Eurovision, glitter punk, heartwarming story about loss, life, how stupid it is, how beautiful it is, and why we should fight for it. It's in there, hiding beneath the layers and layers of word vomit. I want that story. Please release a second edition that is just that, the opening, and say... 3-5 of your favorite aliens Valente, I promise I'll give it another try if you do.
Valente has in fact given us a Eurovision, glitter punk, electric baby with Douglas Adams, her writing fantastical and humorous, her characters vapid but in a washed-out musician kind of way. She really thought about this book, creating droves of aliens and probably destroying a number of thesauri to bring them to life. We follow Decibel Jones of the "oh you haven't heard of it, well we used to be a thing" Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros. A washed-up, no longer active glitter punk band who is an amalgam of every band you probably are thinking of when trying to grasp what that description means.
The book opens with a wonderfully witty description of how there is in fact other life out there in the universe, life is easy to come by, they've just been off doing a galactic war and while they were gone we kind of popped up. Life is stupid. This part is the best part of the book. The humor is on point, the prose magnificant. She is spot on and very pointed in her argument for why war happens. It's people vs meat, and how does one determine something isn't meat, but in fact sentient? Well, no one really figured that out, hence the galactic war, but NOW post-war they think they've figured it out. Intergalactic Music competition. Makes sense, only something sentient could create music right?
Well, this year is a special year because Earth is invited, we've been deemed "may be sentient", but questionable enough that they'd rather not let us just hang out and become annoying someday. So we have to present a band and performance for consideration. We just have to not place last. If we don't place last, we're part of the club and we'll be a-ok. If we place last, we'll be destroyed, because they already think we're annoying and that will mean we're meat. People vs meat remember?
So, one day everyone on the planet earth, everyone, awake or sleeping is visited by the blue birdlike projection of our assigned guides, the Esca, and alien species that are new to the whole being accepted as a sentient thing, and will guide us through the competition. Which it is now telling us about, Suprise! They've chosen a list of musicians they think will do well, however it's outdated and only one band is really able to do it, the has-beens, who are they, Decibel Jones and the Absolute Zeros. Time was rough on our glam-punk friends as it tends to be on musicians, they lost the third member about a decade ago, the two remaining no longer talk. Decibel is a trainwreck, and Oort St Ultraviolet is now just a dad who very much wants to be a regular dude. But now they're being whisked off into space to sing for the world's salvation.
Sounds pretty fun right? This plus Douglas Adams type prose and humor? A real knock out. Unfortunately, that story I just described takes up... maybe a quarter of the book, MAYBE. You can pull the main story out and put it into a book that might be too small to be a novella. Because of this, the backstory, development, and exploration of these characters are slim to nothing. There is some mind you, but very little. It isn't until the 180pg mark or so that Valente actually decides to focus on the plot, giving very little time to do the entire Grand Prix, the actual competition takes up a page. A 288-page book about a singing competition and only 1-2 pages is actually the singing competition. Tack on another 10 maybe for the weird cocktail death party right before, that didn't have enough attempted death to make any real point of it, plus maybe another 5-10 scattered throughout the book on the back story and leading up to the story, and we've got MAYBE 25 pages of the actual plot. My math is wrong, I know, but it sure FEELS like this.
So, in a 288-page book, with 25 pages being the actual story, what are the other 263 pages? It was the author being somewhat... I don't mean to sound mean, but full of herself? She tried WAY too hard on this style she was going for. It felt like an "oh, you liked that opening chapter, didn't you? You totally read it out loud to your boyfriend, well here let me give it to you again, and again, and ... again". This book suffers from a severe case of needing to be edited. Of someone saying "that's enough now dear, but what about the story". Every few pages of the backstory of the plot we got were met with full chapters, sometimes multiple of Valente describing yet another alien species she's created, in yet another chain of witty simile and metaphor. To the point where sometimes I no longer knew what was happening, they were all interchangeable, which alien are we talking about now? It went on and on and on, and I never knew how such humorous writing could be just so soul suckingly boring. When she ran out of aliens it was describing previous grand prix's and how the aliens sang. In the exact same, formulaic, witty simile, witty simile, witty simile. Don't get me wrong, there were some absolute gems in here. Some that made me laugh out loud. But it's all about the ratio. I would trade in a heartbeat the ratio in this book. 263 pages of plot, and 25 pages of aliens described in witty simile. It took everything in my power after the third alien chapter to not skim. But she fit so much into a sentence that I was scared somewhere hiding would be a plot point (spoiler alert, there wasn't, skim away).
Then around the 180 page mark, a flip was switched, it was almost as if she went "crap, a story!" the adjective use was slimmed down dramatically and we actually got more than one chapter in a row with a plot point. But at this point, it was too late, the end of the book was hurdling at us and very little had happened and the book pretty much fizzled out with an "oh yeah, the Grand Prix happened". Mind you, the finale was very heartwarming and I liked it a lot. I just wish I hadn't had to read a full chapter about hairbrush interspecies sex to get there, and instead had more of it. But ironically, the hairbrush sex had more plot advancement that the majority of the book.
The ending did, however, for one moment, make me forget that I had just read an encyclopedia of descriptors and was happy for a few minutes. So good on her for that. That proves to me that she can write more than glittery descriptions, which then made me sad I didn't have more of that writing. With just a spattering of the gold of her opening chapters. I am glad I finished the book, the story, what little there was, was worth the read. However, I have no desire to read any other of Valente's writing now, and if there was a sequel, I just don't think I have it in me to read another 263 pages of description. Cool idea, good ability, just terribly executed. She could easily have released a separate book, expanding on a handful of species she established in the book, like an alien compendium, and I would have read it, and laughed, and been okay because I went into it expecting it. But I went into this wanting a story, not a neon throwup encyclopedia of just how "oh so creative" Valente is. That came off harsh, I know, but they blew past the fine line of interesting and well into the self-serving, look what I can do, territory. What suffered for it wasn't just a large number of DNFs, and my sanity for a few days, but an actually interesting, fun, Eurovision, glitter punk, heartwarming story about loss, life, how stupid it is, how beautiful it is, and why we should fight for it. It's in there, hiding beneath the layers and layers of word vomit. I want that story. Please release a second edition that is just that, the opening, and say... 3-5 of your favorite aliens Valente, I promise I'll give it another try if you do.
