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A Portable Shelter
A Portable Shelter
Kirsty Logan | 2016 | Fiction & Poetry
9
8.0 (3 Ratings)
Book Rating
Cute little stories about real life (0 more)
Took a while to get in to (0 more)
‘…there’s no other way to give you the truth except to hide it in a story and let you find your own way inside.’
‘…there’s no other way to give you the truth except to hide it in a story and let you find your own way inside.’
Kirsty Logan’s first collection of short stories, The Rental Heart and Other Fairytales, published by Salt in 2014, won the Polari First Book Prize in 2015. A Portable Shelter is her second collection. Set in a small cottage in the rural north coast of Scotland, Ruth and Liska are expecting their first child. The couple believe that their unborn baby will have a better chance of survival away from the harshness of suburban life. They make a pact with one another, that they will only ever tell their child the truth. Yet while Liska is asleep or Ruth is at work, each whispers secret stories to their unborn child. Delving into fantastical tales about people from their past and re-telling stories that span from generation to generation, the couple unfold the horrors of the real world. Whilst these tales, laced in myth and legend, and fattened with the magic of the imagination, demonstrate the art of oral storytelling, Logan reaches further to show the reader why storytelling is important.
While this book is primarily a collection of short stories, its novel like structure frames each story with a preceding monologue from either Ruth or Liska. The monologues offer delightful morsels of description that bring the harshness of Mother Nature into the safety of the couple’s bedroom, “right now our home is speaking to you. The walls creak their approval in the wind. The rain applauds on the roof. The lighthouse beam swoops, swoops, swoops. The tide breathes loud and slow like a giant. If you listen carefully, perhaps you can even hear the moon hum.” The pace of these sentences, combined with the delicacy of language demonstrates Logan’s skill at describing the sublime spirit of the natural world, which brings the narrative to life.
Most impressive though, is Logan’s poetic language and carefully crafted sentences which create the most beautiful imagery. In ‘Flinch,’ for example – James is a fisherman struggling with his identity, yet his affiliation with the land is locked into his first-person point of view where the reader gets to closely experience what he sees, “The sky is pinkish-grey like the insides of shells. Speckled bonxies wheel overhead. Seals loll on the rocks, fat as kings. The rising mist is cool and milky.” Any of these lines could easily be arranged into a poem and with sentences that are squeezed tight; they create a wonderful poetic rhythm. Logan uses this technique throughout her novel, demonstrating the precision and craft in her work. There are definite similarities in her writing style to fellow Scottish novelist and poet Jenni Fagan. Both authors use rich language, which is well crafted and smattered with vernacular. Furthermore, combining this with the reoccurring theme of identity, the oral storytelling tradition, landscape, folklore, and myth, it is clear to see why these authors contribute to the growing canon in Scottish literature.
This is a book that I will read over and over again because I know that in each reading, I will find something new. A Portable Shelter, I feel, deserves a place on my ‘keep’ book shelf.
A Portable Shelter, Kirsty Logan, London: Vintage, 2015
  
The Purge (2013)
The Purge (2013)
2013 | Mystery, Sci-Fi
Ethan Hawke is no stranger to the horror genre, in 2009 he starred in the Australian vampire flick Daybreakers, a film which promised so much, and delivered relatively little. Now he teams up with director James DeMonaco in a horror film that promises to be anything but ordinary; The Purge, but can it live up to its exciting trailer?

The Purge plays out like a poor-man’s Hunger Games. In the year 2020, America is prospering, crime is at an all-time low and unemployment is at 1%. The reason? Once a year, for twelve hours, all crime is legal and people across US can commit any atrocities they wish.

Ethan Hawke plays James Sandin, a security salesman who has capitalised on the public’s fear of being ‘purged’ by selling hi-tech safety equipment to the rich to ensure they stay safe. Lena Headey plays his wife Mary and his two children, Charlie and Zoe are played by Max Burkholder and Adelaide Kane respectively. In a moment of madness after the commencement of the annual purge, a ‘target’ (Edwin Hodge) is let into their home causing all hell to break loose.

Borrowing heavily from other ‘home invasion’ horror films such as When a Stranger Calls and The Strangers, The Purge really ‘gets going’ about two-thirds in when an army of killers swoop on Ethan Hawke’s impressive property looking for their ‘target.’ The family have one hour to reply before they all become ‘targets.’

Unfortunately, an exciting and unique premise is completely lost in a film that is riddled with many horror clichés, some of them blatantly obvious, (woman opening fridge door, door closes and harmless child shocks woman), some not so obvious. This is a terrible shame as the idea of all crime being legal is ridiculously exciting, but after about 40 minutes, we are locked in the Sandin’s home as they play cat and mouse with an array of forgettable serial killers and the original story is lost.

Another problem is the acting. Competent is the only word to describe it; Ethan Hawke is good in his role and his stern demeanour which has earned him so many acting jobs in the past is in full force here, but you can’t help feeling he was a budgetary decision rather than being who the producers actually wanted. Lena Headey seems to phone in a rather wooden performance, whilst the two kids do marginally better. By far the stand-out here is Rhys Wakefield, credited only as ‘Polite Stranger’ who is excellent and terrifying as equal measure; his facial expressions are enough to make you wince.

Overall, The Purge is an exciting film that delivers some unique thrills and spills mixed in with the usual horror clichés. Unfortunately, it doesn’t deliver on its unique and exciting starting point and delves into a generic slasher film around 45 minutes in. A stand-out performance from one of the cast isn’t enough to lift the acting above mediocre and the Sandin family are as characters, frightfully dull. It’s definitely worth a watch, but don’t let the trailer fool you; it’s not as unique as you might expect.

The new review system breaks down the film into categories allowing you, as the readers to see just where I have awarded points to the film. It is still in a testing stage, so if there are any categories you think could improve it, please let me know.

https://moviemetropolis.net/2013/05/31/the-purge-review-2013/
  
These Broken Stars (Starbound, #1)
These Broken Stars (Starbound, #1)
Amie Kaufman, Meagan Spooner | 2013 | Romance, Science Fiction/Fantasy, Young Adult (YA)
10
8.3 (9 Ratings)
Book Rating
Well, I’m sure this might be a surprise for you because I have already reviewed this book. No, you’re not crazy, but after going back and rereading it I decided that I would listen to it again and write a real review, not one where more than half of it is a spoiler.

This book was just as amazing the second time as it was the first time. The characters were as fresh and complicated as I remember and I was even surprised by details I had forgotten about them.

Lilac was as privileged, stubborn and as not-crazy as I remember, but now I can appreciate it even more now that I have read the next two books in the series. Despite being a rich and spoiled debutant she certainly pushes through to her very core to survive, especially in the middle and at the end of the book.

And Tarver, he broke my heart. He was wonderfully written, from the beginning, to the interludes where he is being debriefed (where he was so sarcastic I couldn’t help but appreciate his nerve), and then those events at the end. You’ll know what I mean when you read the book.

The main plot is so beautifully simple and can be summed up into one, single word. Survive. There is a larger story arch for the next two books of the series, but just surviving, that’s what this book is about. Well, that and Lilac and Tarver trying not to kill each other while also trying to get the other to stay alive long enough to reach their goal.

Now, this book is almost entirely starring just Lilac and Tarver. Usually, only two characters together, alone would have caused me to whine about how the author was unimaginative but this works really, really well. Yes, I want other people there because the are stranded on an abandoned planet and I don’t want them to suffer, but their dynamic would have been completely ruined if there was someone else there.

Yes, this is considered a romance book, and it didn’t seem at all out of place. It fell in quite easily and it wasn’t a sudden thing forced upon two people who hated each other from the very start. If anything, these two pushed their feelings aside as the tragic accident pulls them closer together without them even knowing it. I think I lived for the moment these two finally accepted each other and I would not have had it any other way. It all just works so well!

So much goes on, yet so little happens. I mean this in the most amazing way possible. There is no one else to interfere with Lilac and Tarver’s mission of surviving, or working towards a goal other than nature and themselves. And when they get to one of the destinations, and what happens to both of them, well, it was hard. But the next place, it is so much harder. They are so sweet and it just breaks my heart.

I knew what was coming, knew what had to happen for the story to move on, and still, it rocked me and almost brought me to tears again. I knew how this book, and the series, ended, but still I couldn’t help the emotions that refused to stay pushed down. I don’t even have words to explain it in a way that will do it justice and not spoil it at the same time. Please, just read it!
  
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Lucy Buglass (45 KP) rated Russian Doll in TV

Jun 20, 2019  
Russian Doll
Russian Doll
2019 | Comedy, Mystery
After the success of both Parks and Recreation and Orange is the New Black, I was intrigued by a new Netflix series created by Amy Poehler and Natasha Lyonne. Many fans know them as Leslie Knope and Nicky Nichols, and I’m sure we can all agree they’d make a very interesting duo.

Immediately after seeing the promos for Russian Doll, it was clear that this was going to be a very different tone to their previous work, and felt incredibly offbeat and quirky in nature. The series follows a woman named Nadia Vulvokov (Natasha Lyonne) as she finds herself in a time-loop after she is hit by a taxi and dies. Unfortunately for Nadia, she has to relive her 36th birthday party over and over again. It’s Groundhog Day on speed, which is an utterly delightful concept.

Whilst it may sound similar to Groundhog Day, it’s actually a very unique story. At first it’s easy to worry about the repetitive nature of the series, considering Nadia spends most of her time dying and reliving the same moment. Somehow it manages to stay funny, fresh and watchable throughout all eight episodes. The pacing is spot-on and keeps you guessing, as you follow Nadia’s journey into discovering why she’s found herself in this loop. On this journey, she’s joined by a number of characters including her ex-boyfriend John (Yul Vazquez), close family friend Ruth (Elizabeth Ashley) and a stranger named Alan (Charlie Barnett) who is closer to this situation than he originally realizes.

As the series progresses, we begin to delve into some pretty heavy stuff. Without giving away spoilers, the episodes start to question morality, ethics, the past, and the future. Each character is so well fleshed out and we want to know more about them. It’s easy to become sucked into the world of Russian Doll, and trust me when I say it’s a binge worthy series. You won’t want to stop until you have answers. It’s a show that knows how to balance comedy and drama effectively, delivering laugh out loud then heart-wrenching moments in quick succession. You feel sorry for various characters and loathe others, and it’s an incredibly well fleshed out series.

In terms of its visuals, Russian Doll is a gritty, psychedelic glimpse into the lives of various New York City residents. We see rich and poor, confident and timid, good and bad characters as they go about their daily lives. It’s fascinating to watch and each location has been crafted to give you more insight into the characters in this world. From quirky high-rise apartments to homeless shelters, this series shows it all. It’s the Big Apple in all its glory, whether that’s good or bad.

My advice would be to walk into Russian Doll knowing as little as possible, allowing yourself to approach the situation in a similar way to Nadia. It’s a comedy, thriller and mystery all rolled into one, with each genre complementing the other superbly. As far as Netflix Originals go, this is one of the strongest ones I’ve seen so far. Eight episodes is just enough to keep you entertained, whilst still giving enough backstory to make it a compelling tale. Just when you think you know a character, the tables are turned and your jaw is on the floor.

https://lucygoestohollywood.com/2019/03/07/tv-review-my-thoughts-on-russian-doll/
  
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The Companion
The Companion
Katie Alender | 2020 | Mystery, Thriller, Young Adult (YA)
7
7.0 (1 Ratings)
Book Rating
I've been a fan of Katie Alender's since I first read her book Bad Girls Don't Die. I haven't read a bad book from her yet, and reading Alender's latest book, The Companion, was no different. I enjoyed reading it.

After losing her parents and two younger sisters in a car accident, Margot is sent to the state institution as she has no other family. There, she has vivid nightmares that leave her screaming at night. The other orphans at the institution call her lucky although Margot isn't sure she'd consider herself lucky. When she is chosen by a rich family to come live with them at their large and gorgeous home, Margot's luck may be changing. However, it doesn't seem like it's for the better. Strange things are happening at Margot's new home. Plus, she's meant to play companion for the sick and mute Agatha. On the plus side, her nightmares have seemed to stop but at what price?

The plot of The Companion was a very strong one and had quite the creepy vibe to it which I thoroughly enjoyed. Everything about about the plot was solid and flowed smoothly. The pacing was superb, and I found myself dying to know what would happen next. In fact, I felt like I was actually part of the narrative the whole time. There are a few plot twists although I felt that most were easy to figure out long before they were revealed. While the majority of The Companion was a great read, the last 100 or so pages let this book down. Margot, the protagonist of the story, seems to lose her brain and common sense towards the ending of the novel. She does some really dumb things that put her life in danger. I had a hard time believing that anyone could be that dumb. Other than that, the rest of the story is really great! Loose ends are tied up by the end of the book. However, I would have liked to know how the flowers grew so quickly by a certain grave, but that's probably just a me thing.

All of the characters in The Companion were fleshed out enough to feel realistic. The only exception was Margot towards the end of the book as stated earlier. She started out so strong and smart, it was kind of a shock to see her dumbed down towards the ending. I had really enjoyed her character and her hunger to find out what was really going on when it came to Agatha as well as what happened to Lily. Agatha was definitely my favorite character. I loved how helpful and strong she tried to be despite what was going on with her. I liked Barrett, but I just wish he would have fought a bit harder to try to help Margot instead of just giving in all the time to his mom. Laura was definitely an interesting character for sure. I enjoyed trying to figure out her story alongside Margot. I felt that Laura was the best written character in The Companion.

Trigger warnings for The Companion include minor violence, death, murder, attempted murder, some heavy kissing, drugging, and gaslighting.

Although the last hundred pages do take away from the book a little, The Companion is still a worthwhile read. It does have an interesting plot and characters and will have you hooked from the very first page. I would recommend The Companion by Katie Alender to those aged 13+ who love a suspenseful story.
  
In the Heights (2021)
In the Heights (2021)
2021 | Drama, Music, Musical
Music and lyrics are fantastic (1 more)
Choreography
A flabby run time (0 more)
Lin-Manuel Miranda's high octane musical hits the heights.
"In the Heights" follows the hopes and dreams of a group of ordinary but ambitious Latinx youngsters, living their lives as best they can in the poor neighbourhood of Washington Heights in New York. They all have their own 'El Sueñito' - a little dream - of what they want to achieve.

Positives:
- A "proper" musical, with a large percentage of high-octane song and dance numbers.

-As with "Hamilton", "In the Heights" features some truly clever rap-style lyrics - lyrics so clever that you gasp at the way in which they trip off the singer's tongue. At one point, Carla (Stephanie Beatriz) sings "My mom is Dominican-Cuban, My dad is from Chile and P. R., which means: I'm Chile-...Dominica-Rican! But I always say I'm from Queens!". Glorious stuff.

- The dancing is stupendous. The choreography team is led by Christopher Scott, and he joyfully brings back the large set piece dances that we used to see in movies of old. The Esther Williams style swimming routines even make a spectacular return in a glorious Lido sequence (although I could have personally done without the dislocating contortionist dancers here!).

- The four young people taking the leads are all extremely personable (as well as being very good looking). Anthony Ramos in particular shows real star quality, those mesmeric eyes holding your attention for every moment he's on screen. You get the feeling that Lin-Manuel Miranda (whose superfluous minor role could have usefully ended up on the cutting room floor) was itching to play the lead but was just "too old man"!

- It was also great to see a range of roles for older women as well, with the dramatic sequence with Olga Merediz, the neighbourhood saint and guardian Claudia, being a highpoint in the movie for me.

Negatives:
- When you step back and analyse it, the story is pretty slight. You are distracted from this by all the razzle-dazzle going on, but having a bit more meat on the bone would have been welcome. This is particularly the case, since....
- At 143 minutes, I have to say that the movie outstayed its welcome for me by about 20 or 30 minutes. If the movie had been tightened up a bit and shortened, it would I think have been much improved.

Summary Thoughts on "In the Heights": This is a musical for those people who say "They don't make musicals like that anymore". High octane and full of noise and colour, its a spectacular that doesn't disappoint. The quirkiness of "Crazy Rich Asians" (which Jon M. Chu also directed) is on full display in some of the sequences, which are cleverly filmed. It's a movie that had me periodically grinning, not just at the story or the songs but at the movie craft on show.

Is it a bit of an 'Emperor's New Clothes', given the shallowness of the story? Yes, perhaps. And does it laugh in the face of my 90-minute movie ideal? Definitely. But it's still well worth the price of your movie ticket..... and this IS a movie that demands to be watched on the BIG SCREEN to get the full effect.

(For the full graphical review, please check out One Mann's Movies review here - https://bob-the-movie-man.com/2021/06/21/in-the-heights-lin-manuel-mirandas-high-octane-musical-hits-the-heights/. Thanks).
  
Poison Orchids
Poison Orchids
Sarah A. Denzil, Anni Taylor | 2019 | Crime, Thriller
9
9.5 (2 Ratings)
Book Rating
As soon as I read the synopsis for Poison Orchids by Sarah A. Denzil and Anni Taylor, I was hooked. This sounded like something I could really sink my teeth right into. I'm a big fan of psychological thrillers, and this one did not disappoint.

Gemma and Hayley end up working on a mango farm for the very rich and very handsome Tate LLewellyn. Everything seems perfect for them...a place to live, a steady income, fun times, and a sense of belonging. However, when Gemma and Hayley end up running out in the middle of the road away from an attacker, their memories start getting foggy. Each girl tells the detectives a different story yet both don't add up. With time running out for Gemma and Hayley, the police must figure out what the real truth is if they want to save the girls.

I found the plot for Poison Orchids to be very interesting. The whole memory thing has been done before, but I felt like Denzil and Taylor gave it an original spin that kept me glued to the book. Yes, there are some parts of the plot that are a little over the top and a bit unbelievable, but even so, the plot holds its own. Despite some of the outrageous scenes, this book held my unwavering attention with its perfect pacing. I found myself wanting to know what would happen next. I found that I couldn't trust anyone (with the exception of the police) in Poison Orchids. It was as if the thrills were never ending throughout this book! While you know almost from the beginning who the baddie is, there are plenty of plot twists throughout that will leave you thinking about them long after you finish the book. However, there are no cliff hangers, and it seemed that all loose ends were tied up by the end of the book.

The characters were well fleshed out and solid. I loved both Gemma and Hayley. Sometimes I would love one more than the other, but in the end, I realized I loved them both equally. I could somewhat relate to both of them.Tate and Rodney were both written very well although I would have liked a bit more backstory on Rodney. Megan, the psychologist, was an interesting character. I enjoyed getting to know her a bit better later on in the book. What I really admired was how much she cared about Gemma and Hayley. Bronwen, the detective on the case, was a no-nonsense type of woman, and I admired that about her. She wanted answers, and she was determined to get them. Even the secondary characters all felt very realistic. I could actually picture each and every character quite easily as I was reading Poison Orchids.

Trigger warnings for Poison Orchids include profanity, alcohol use, drug use, violence, death, murder, attempted suicide, rape, assault, brainwashing, gaslighting, and cults.

All in all, Poison Orchids makes for a thrilling read that will leave you thinking about it long after you've finished reading. It's got fantastic characters and an interesting plot for sure. I would definitely recommend Poison Orchids by Sarah A. Denzil and Anni Taylor to those aged 17+ who are after a great read!
  
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
2011 | Action, Sci-Fi
7
6.6 (27 Ratings)
Movie Rating
Delivering a much-needed shot of adrenaline to the summer movie season, “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”, arrives awash in stunning visuals and cutting-edge 3-D.

The movie picks up a few years after the events of the last film, as Sam (Shia LaBeouff), is struggling to adjust to his post college life. Despite the fact that he has been honored by the president for his heroic actions in the two previous films, Sam finds himself like many graduates, unable to find a job in today’s economy.

Sam bemoans the fact that he wants to do its work that matters again to his new girlfriend Carly (Rose Huntington-Whiteley), and is become increasingly frustrated with not being able to contribute to their finances. The fact that Carly works for suave and rich boss named Dylan, (Patrick Dempsey), only heightens Sam’s insecurity.

Meanwhile Sam’s Autobot friends are working closely with the government to root out any threats to national security as well as staying on alert for Decepticon attacks.

It is learned that an object great importance is on the moon in a crashed ship, and that the United States and Russia created their space race during the Cold War in an effort to obtain the secrets of the crash.

When alerted to the existence of the crash site, the Autobots investigate and discover their long-lost leader Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy) is still alive and guarding precious cargo.

Despite meeting interference from a politician overseeing the top-secret program (Francis McDormand), Sam discovers a shocking secret with the help of Simmons (John Turturro), which soon has the entire planet caught in a battle between the two alien forces.

As loyalty, love, and friendships are put to the test, Sam and the Autobots must once again face their mortal enemies to save all life on earth.

The film is much darker than the previous films in the series as watching cities and civilian’s cut down during various enemy attacks may be hard for some fans of the series to watch.

That being said, the film is a visual masterpiece as the wizards at Industrial Light and Magic have crafted an amazing experience that at times is hard to believe are comprised of digital imagery rather than actual creatures.

Director Michael Bay who made a name for himself with summer action films that are big on explosions while short on plot has created arguably the best film of the series and perhaps of his career.

While the film runs at two hours and 40 minutes and does at times lag, Bay keeps things moving along at a steady clip and injects a little bit of humor into the film in between the chaos and mayhem.

While the acting and plot are not going to win any awards, they are better than usual for a summer action film.

It was reported that Paramount pressured Bay into filming in 3-D by threatening post convert the film if he had filmed in 2D. Bay responded with lavish 3-D effects that show off the true beauty and potential of the new 3-D technology and drastically underscores why Hollywood needs to stop doing the vastly inferior post conversion 3-D which has been done to the majority of 3D films that are being released. While it does not have the immersive quality of “Avatar”, the film nonetheless provides quality visual experience without resorting to the in-your-face gimmicks which are so common with 3-D films.

There are several fine supporting performances in the film including John Malkovich, Alan Tudyk, and John Tuturro who lift up the scenes they are in. Rose Huntington-Whiteley taking over for Megan Fox provides a fresh new romantic interest for Sam even though she’s given little more to do than play the damsel in distress for large parts the film. When she is given the chance, she throws herself deep into the action with a gusto worthy of any of her cast mates.

The film does have more than a few plot holes and without giving away any spoilers, suffice it to say that I had to question the events the last two films after seeing this one.

When a long-term objective is revealed, I had to ask why the events of the previous films took place now rather than in the past when certain parties had all of the required information available to them for decades.

It certainly would’ve been just as easy for characters to have initiated the actions of this film in an earlier film or timeline and would have wasted less resources.

That being said, when you’re dealing with shape changing aliens, one does have to allow a good degree of leeway in the storytelling process.

While it may not be the end to the series, certain cast members (Shia LaBeouff), have indicated that this is their last performance in the series. If that is the case, the film goes out on a strong note is arguably the best film in the series and a highly enjoyable summer movie experience.
  
Death on the Nile (2022)
Death on the Nile (2022)
2022 | Mystery
Most of the female cast. (2 more)
Poirot's backstory.
Kenneth Branagh's mustache.
Slow-moving with little payoff. (2 more)
Nothing substantial happens for the first hour.
Not entertaining. Perfect example of first world problems.
A Drowzy Whodunit Loaded with Mediocrity
Death on the Nile is the sequel to 2017’s Murder on the Orient Express with director and lead actor Kenneth Branagh returning. The mystery thriller is based on the 1937 novel of the same name by Agatha Christie. Death on the Nile has been adapted before as a 1978 film and as a 2004 episode of the Poirot television series starring David Suchet.

The 2022 film has been completed since December of 2019. The film was moved around several times due to COVID and was pushed back even further after Armie Hammer’s abuse allegations.

Mostly occurring shortly after the events of Murder on the Orient Express, Death on the Nile offers a bit of a look into the past of Hercule Poirot (Branagh). Taking place on the Yser Bridge in Belgium In 1914, a young Poirot advises his Belgian captain to attack the Germans spontaneously without warning. The attack is a success, but Poirot’s captain triggers an explosive after their victory. The explosion leaves Poirot’s face heavily scarred and offers an explanation as to why he always has a mustache.

Poirot reunites with his friend Bouc (Tom Bateman, who also returns from Murder on the Orient Express) in Egypt. Bouc is traveling with his mother Euphemia (Annette Bening) and their friends as they celebrate the marriage of Linnet Ridgeway (Gal Gadot) and Simon Doyle (Armie Hammer). To make matters more complicated, Simon was originally romantically involved with Jaqueline (Emma Mackey) who was also a former friend of Linnet. She now scornfully follows Simon and Linnet around Egypt.

The party travels on the S. S. Karnak, a steamship, along the river Nile. A murder eventually takes place on the steamship, which ignites a desire within Poirot to discover who the killer is before more suffer the same fate.

CGI and visual effects are used to make Kenneth Branagh look younger in the opening sequence of the film. The issue is he looks almost as bad as Henry Cavill did as Superman during the reshoots for Justice League. Branagh’s upper lip is almost nonexistent during this sequence and his philtrum seems to barely move when he speaks. It’s a visual nightmare and a terrible way to jump start a murder mystery.

Poirot travels to a Jazz nightclub where he’s first introduced to Simon, Jacqueline, and Linnet. Poirot spends much of the film embracing his OCD habits and people watching. This first nightclub sequence is about ten minutes long and you’re basically forced to watch people do nothing but dance for that entire time. Armie Hammer’s overly sexual dancing combined with his heavy breathing and constant sweating with both Gal Gadot and Emma Mackey is nauseating even without taking his sexual allegations into consideration.

Nothing really happens in the film for the first hour. Death on the Nile takes its time getting to the murder as little things begin to disappear (like a tube of paint) and Simon and Linnet are nearly crushed to death by a falling rock as they’re practically mid-coitus while sightseeing some pyramids. Emma Mackey gives a particularly strong performance. She is blinded by one-sided love in the film and her performance is a combination of passion, borderline insanity, and a broken heart.

Annette Bening is so cynical that it’s humorous and Jennifer Saunders adds just enough sarcastic bite to remind us ever so slightly of Absolutely Fabulous. Letitia Wright portrays business manager Rosalie Otterbourne. Her performance is intriguing because she’s always fighting for what she feels like she’s rightfully owed; whether it’s the right amount of money for her services or her happiness away from the limelight.

Like Murder on the Orient Express and other Agatha Christie adaptations, the enticing aspect of Death on the Nile is not only its massive and recognizable cast but also the fact that the story is written in a way that everyone is a suspect. The film’s nonchalant way of meandering towards that first murder is frustrating. A deliberate pace is one thing, but Death on the Nile is boring for the most part. Poirot is asked to take a case involving Jacqueline and the safety of Simon and Linnet, but is then mocked for being heartless and not being able to solve the case sooner. The people on board are likely meant to be scared, but come off as rich people not getting what they want the instant they want it.

Death on the Nile crawls towards a resolution you don’t feel invested in. Poirot’s backstory is interesting and there are some solid performances especially from the female cast, but the film otherwise feels like an unwanted game of Guess Who after you unwillingly chug two bottles of NyQuil and are asked to predict who the killer is after two long hours of tediousness.