Search
Search results
LeftSideCut (3778 KP) rated Monster Hunter (2020) in Movies
Feb 23, 2022
Please, please, for the love of God please stop letting Paul WS Anderson adapt beloved video games into "films"
Nothing about Monster Hunter feels rewarding. The narrative is diabolically boring, the CGI is complete ass, the dialogue is dumb, and above all none of it is fun.
This 1 star is purely for a half decent final fight scene, Meowscles, and Ron Perlmans hilarouslty stupid wig.
Tony Jaa going from Ong Bak and Warrior King to shit like this and Jui Jitsu is heartbreaking
Nothing about Monster Hunter feels rewarding. The narrative is diabolically boring, the CGI is complete ass, the dialogue is dumb, and above all none of it is fun.
This 1 star is purely for a half decent final fight scene, Meowscles, and Ron Perlmans hilarouslty stupid wig.
Tony Jaa going from Ong Bak and Warrior King to shit like this and Jui Jitsu is heartbreaking
Jordan Binkerd (567 KP) rated The Scorpion King 3: Battle For Redemption (2012) in Movies
Oct 27, 2019
Victor Webster sells the fights (5 more)
Ron Perlman is never a bad thing.
Neither is Temura Morrison.
Billy Zane is comically evil
Krystal Vee and Selina Lo pull off their reason for being here - hot chicks kicking ass.
Nice scenery and sets
Victor Webster fails to sell being The Rock, even aside from skin ton (2 more)
The story and lore are all over the place, not helped by the setting
The Warriors of the book announcing themselves just felt silly and contrived
Muddies the franchise and lore
The longer this goes the more damage this franchise does to itself. Let's review what we've seen so far:
-The Mummy Returns: At the end of his life, the Scorpion King leads an army to take over and subjugate the world, aided by Anubis, which proves that the Egyptian gods are, you know, gods.
-The Scorpion King: Mathayus is ostensibly the last living Akkadian, and leads a revolt against an evil king who....wants to take over and subjugate the world. Some tragic irony there, knowing where he ends up.
-The Scorpion King II: Rise of a Warrior: There's a whole kingdom of Akkadians, and Mathayus leads a revolt against the general who killed both his father and the rightful King, usurping the throne. Given that just a decade or two later the entire race has been wiped out, maybe putting the rightful heir back on the throne didn't end well?
Which brings us to this movie, featuring numerous human characters with the names of the Egyptian pantheon (maybe named in homage to their gods, but it feels like the idea is that these men will be mistaken for God's by myth and legend) and doubles down on the "conquest is evil" theme. Mathayus has lost his queen and kingdom from the first film to plague, reduced to being a mercenary again. The action primarily happens in Egypt and.... Cambodia? Vietnam? Thailand? Somewhere around there, with little explanation of how the characters go that distance. This just makes the whole thing more inconsistent and convoluted. I shudder to think about the damage the next one will do....
-The Mummy Returns: At the end of his life, the Scorpion King leads an army to take over and subjugate the world, aided by Anubis, which proves that the Egyptian gods are, you know, gods.
-The Scorpion King: Mathayus is ostensibly the last living Akkadian, and leads a revolt against an evil king who....wants to take over and subjugate the world. Some tragic irony there, knowing where he ends up.
-The Scorpion King II: Rise of a Warrior: There's a whole kingdom of Akkadians, and Mathayus leads a revolt against the general who killed both his father and the rightful King, usurping the throne. Given that just a decade or two later the entire race has been wiped out, maybe putting the rightful heir back on the throne didn't end well?
Which brings us to this movie, featuring numerous human characters with the names of the Egyptian pantheon (maybe named in homage to their gods, but it feels like the idea is that these men will be mistaken for God's by myth and legend) and doubles down on the "conquest is evil" theme. Mathayus has lost his queen and kingdom from the first film to plague, reduced to being a mercenary again. The action primarily happens in Egypt and.... Cambodia? Vietnam? Thailand? Somewhere around there, with little explanation of how the characters go that distance. This just makes the whole thing more inconsistent and convoluted. I shudder to think about the damage the next one will do....
Spooner (0 KP) rated The Dark Tower (2017) in Movies
Feb 25, 2018
Could have been so good!!!
Omg. If there was a book that could have been a great movie franchise,Dark Tower was that book. What the hell was Stephen King thinking with selling the rights to a no name director. I heard the only reason the director got the job was because the books helped him learn English.
Yeah ok so what? Just because I played a video game all the way through doesen't mean I should direct a movie version of it.
Why the hell was this a sequel to the books also? Not everyone has read the books. Newcomers aren't gonna understand this because they never read the books.
Idris Elba was a great Roland and sadly the only good thing about the movie. Matthew mccoughnahey was ok as the man in black. Honestly I thought Ray liotta would have been better.
This isn't a god awful movie,it's just a very poor take on the books. If Ron Howard had stayed on I know he would have nailed it.
Yeah ok so what? Just because I played a video game all the way through doesen't mean I should direct a movie version of it.
Why the hell was this a sequel to the books also? Not everyone has read the books. Newcomers aren't gonna understand this because they never read the books.
Idris Elba was a great Roland and sadly the only good thing about the movie. Matthew mccoughnahey was ok as the man in black. Honestly I thought Ray liotta would have been better.
This isn't a god awful movie,it's just a very poor take on the books. If Ron Howard had stayed on I know he would have nailed it.
Matthew Krueger (10051 KP) rated In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2006) in Movies
Nov 15, 2019
Nope
Why oh god why, why does this movie excist, why did this happen, who thought of this oh no Uwe Boll!!! Two words you dont want to hear. Two awful words that are so bad, you cant say it three times. Anyways thanks Uwe Boll for this film. I have a question, well many, but one is why do talented actors sign up for his films, why does anyone sign up to do a film with him? You have actors like Jason Statham, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta and Burt Reynolds who are all talented actors waisted for this film.
The Plot: As war looms in an idyllic kingdom, a man named Farmer (Jason Statham) begins a heroic quest to find his kidnapped wife (Claire Forlani) and avenge their son, who was murdered by horrible warriors called Krugs. Meanwhile, villainous Gallian (Ray Liotta) sends his evil army to overthrow the rightful king (Burt Reynolds) and steal the throne.
Dont watch this film, dont watch any uwe boll films their are torturious.
The Plot: As war looms in an idyllic kingdom, a man named Farmer (Jason Statham) begins a heroic quest to find his kidnapped wife (Claire Forlani) and avenge their son, who was murdered by horrible warriors called Krugs. Meanwhile, villainous Gallian (Ray Liotta) sends his evil army to overthrow the rightful king (Burt Reynolds) and steal the throne.
Dont watch this film, dont watch any uwe boll films their are torturious.
Zach Smith (62 KP) rated Hellboy (2019) in Movies
Jul 10, 2019
What a pile of cinamatic shit!
Contains spoilers, click to show
I always check the contains spoilers because I might make mention of something that happen that would annoy some twat that reads reviews before seeing the movie. The original actors warned these assholes not to do this and they did, so I love how they get rewarded over probably 50 million or more because it was such a wash, trying to catch possible deadpool fans by rating it R so they can show headshots and demons rip apart humans. It felt pointless, we also have a kungfu expert that happend to transform into a werecheetah, WTF kind of stuppid shit is that? This moovie drags on forever even dragging King Arthurs legacy through shit as well. It has ok special effects that appear to be directly stolen from the mind of Del Toro, they just didnt want to pay him I guess. Just shameful and dreadful. Snorefactor of 1/0.
Madbatdan82 (341 KP) rated Hellboy (2019) in Movies
Jul 7, 2019
I've never laughed so much - in a bad way!
Firstly - I love the first 2 Hellboy films. Ron Perlman was perfect in the role and I'm a massive fan of Guillermo del Toro. I really wanted to see the end of their trilogy showing the Hell-king Amun un Rama story but it wasnt to be. But when I heard they were rebooting with David Harbour, Ian Mcshane and Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers) directing then I held some high hopes. Those lasted about 3 mins into the film!! This film is AWFUL! Everything is wrong. The story is lazy and borrows so much from the 2 del toro films even having certain scenes (hellboys birth and final fight) are pretty much scene for scene copies! The story that it doesnt borrow from the other films is some bollocks about a blood queen, Merlin and Arthur and excalibur and im almost laughing writing this as it's so ridiculous. It takes place in London so obviously everyone has a ridiculous cockney accent. The reason this gets a 2 out of 10 is because theres some really good gore and the Hell-king scenes are pretty awesome. Ian Mcshane is as always awesome but he is completely mis-cast as Prof Broom so even that feels wrong. They tease a sequel in the final shot, a mid credits scene and an end of credits scene. If they had spent that much time and effort on the logistics of making a good film they may have been able to salvage something passable - unfortunately they didnt and this is almost unmatched garbage!!
Chris Sawin (602 KP) rated Anchorman - The Legend Of Ron Burgundy (2004) in Movies
Jun 18, 2019
How in the world do you review a film like Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy? The film is meant to be as ridiculous as possible with outrageous performances and a paper thin storyline; half of its charm is its overuse of improvisation. You either found its absurd nature hilarious and consider it one of the funniest films ever (and completely ignore the horrid sequel) or hate it for being a nonsensical comedy filled with a cast of immature people who can’t hold a straight face for a single take. It’s honestly difficult to argue either perspective, but the 20-year-old version of this critic who saw this film and adored it would drop dead if he found out that it doesn’t hold up as well nearly 15 years later.
It’s 1974 and on the local San Diego news station KVWN channel 4 newscaster Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) is king since channel 4 is always number one in the ratings. His news team consists of sports newscaster Champ Kind (David Koechner), investigative news reporter Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), and weatherman Brick Tamland (Steve Carell). Up until this point, only men were allowed to read the news but a new female co-anchor named Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) is hired by channel 4 and has bigger plans. Veronica is ambitious, has a ton of experience, and envisions herself as one day becoming a lead network anchor. Tensions rise and feuds flare up, but times are changing and it’s something everyone, including Ron Burgundy, is going to have to deal with.
Anchorman is a tricky comedy because it throws all of its success into this random formula. There is a plot, but it takes a backseat to the memorable and hysterical one-liners from the film. These one-liners are phrases that you’ll be saying for years to come as a few will likely become household favorites if you or your family has any sort of taste whatsoever. With the absolute blessing of owning so many cats, a common phrase from Anchorman that gets repeated around here on a regular basis is, “You will eat that cat poop!” With a comedy this spontaneous, it’s difficult to comment on aspects such as the story since it shouldn’t be taken as seriously as a film where the story actually matters. Anchorman isn’t trying to win any awards. This is a film that is only trying to make its audience laugh and if it does that then it has to be successful in some sort of capacity. The cast absolutely embodies these characters to a fairly flawless extent. Being so absorbed in these roles makes the absurdity more believable and slightly easier to swallow.
Before Will Ferrell became unbearable, the holy trinity of Will Ferrell comedies were Step Brothers, Anchorman, and Talladega Nights; in that order (unless his cameo in Wedding Crashers counts). This was the early and late 2000s before Farrell’s on-screen antics had grown stale. Most of Farrell’s films follow the same generic formula; a nonexistent plot followed by a series of aimless one-liners and spitfire jokes that come out of nowhere. Ferrell’s career is well past the redundant stage as his more serious roles show more promise these days than his exasperating comedies. That formula was still working with Anchorman and it seems to have worked for many other who saw it as the film garnered a cult status over time.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy isn’t going to be for everyone and it’s totally understandable if you or someone you know downright hates the film. It is absolutely moronic in its execution, but for those who love it that is why it’s as funny as it is. There isn’t a riveting story, impressive character development, or a steady buildup towards anything worthwhile (unless Jack Black dropkicking a fake dog off of an overpass counts as a proper climax). Anchorman has the attention span of a Family Guy cutaway gag. If you enjoy Family Guy, then Anchorman is probably one of your favorite movies.
This is like getting together with a bunch of friends and laughing at stupid stuff because you’re loaded on sugar, but Anchorman stretches out that feeling for an hour and a half; it’s a 90-minute sugar rush with no breaks. It’s like snorting Pixie Stix and laughing like an idiot for an hour straight or chugging a two-liter Coke and inhaling seven packets of Pop Rocks and laughing at your stomach not exploding. You don’t watch Anchorman to ponder your life choices or be amazed at technical achievements in filmmaking. This is a paper thin comedy that only wants to make you laugh and forget about how hard it is to make adult decisions in the overly intimidating modern world for a short hour and a half time period. If Anchorman can accomplish all of that and you quote it like a giggling idiot, then the two of us have something in common and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy should be considered as a masterwork in hilarious idiocy.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is currently available to rent via Amazon Video, Youtube, Vudu, and Google Play for $2.99 and through iTunes for $3.99. The Unrated DVD is available as an add-on item through Amazon for $3.99, multi-format Blu-ray for $6.98, and the unrated Rich Mahogany Blu-ray for $5.99. It’s also available on DVD ($2.45) and Blu-ray ($3.65) through eBay with free shipping.
It’s 1974 and on the local San Diego news station KVWN channel 4 newscaster Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell) is king since channel 4 is always number one in the ratings. His news team consists of sports newscaster Champ Kind (David Koechner), investigative news reporter Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd), and weatherman Brick Tamland (Steve Carell). Up until this point, only men were allowed to read the news but a new female co-anchor named Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate) is hired by channel 4 and has bigger plans. Veronica is ambitious, has a ton of experience, and envisions herself as one day becoming a lead network anchor. Tensions rise and feuds flare up, but times are changing and it’s something everyone, including Ron Burgundy, is going to have to deal with.
Anchorman is a tricky comedy because it throws all of its success into this random formula. There is a plot, but it takes a backseat to the memorable and hysterical one-liners from the film. These one-liners are phrases that you’ll be saying for years to come as a few will likely become household favorites if you or your family has any sort of taste whatsoever. With the absolute blessing of owning so many cats, a common phrase from Anchorman that gets repeated around here on a regular basis is, “You will eat that cat poop!” With a comedy this spontaneous, it’s difficult to comment on aspects such as the story since it shouldn’t be taken as seriously as a film where the story actually matters. Anchorman isn’t trying to win any awards. This is a film that is only trying to make its audience laugh and if it does that then it has to be successful in some sort of capacity. The cast absolutely embodies these characters to a fairly flawless extent. Being so absorbed in these roles makes the absurdity more believable and slightly easier to swallow.
Before Will Ferrell became unbearable, the holy trinity of Will Ferrell comedies were Step Brothers, Anchorman, and Talladega Nights; in that order (unless his cameo in Wedding Crashers counts). This was the early and late 2000s before Farrell’s on-screen antics had grown stale. Most of Farrell’s films follow the same generic formula; a nonexistent plot followed by a series of aimless one-liners and spitfire jokes that come out of nowhere. Ferrell’s career is well past the redundant stage as his more serious roles show more promise these days than his exasperating comedies. That formula was still working with Anchorman and it seems to have worked for many other who saw it as the film garnered a cult status over time.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy isn’t going to be for everyone and it’s totally understandable if you or someone you know downright hates the film. It is absolutely moronic in its execution, but for those who love it that is why it’s as funny as it is. There isn’t a riveting story, impressive character development, or a steady buildup towards anything worthwhile (unless Jack Black dropkicking a fake dog off of an overpass counts as a proper climax). Anchorman has the attention span of a Family Guy cutaway gag. If you enjoy Family Guy, then Anchorman is probably one of your favorite movies.
This is like getting together with a bunch of friends and laughing at stupid stuff because you’re loaded on sugar, but Anchorman stretches out that feeling for an hour and a half; it’s a 90-minute sugar rush with no breaks. It’s like snorting Pixie Stix and laughing like an idiot for an hour straight or chugging a two-liter Coke and inhaling seven packets of Pop Rocks and laughing at your stomach not exploding. You don’t watch Anchorman to ponder your life choices or be amazed at technical achievements in filmmaking. This is a paper thin comedy that only wants to make you laugh and forget about how hard it is to make adult decisions in the overly intimidating modern world for a short hour and a half time period. If Anchorman can accomplish all of that and you quote it like a giggling idiot, then the two of us have something in common and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy should be considered as a masterwork in hilarious idiocy.
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy is currently available to rent via Amazon Video, Youtube, Vudu, and Google Play for $2.99 and through iTunes for $3.99. The Unrated DVD is available as an add-on item through Amazon for $3.99, multi-format Blu-ray for $6.98, and the unrated Rich Mahogany Blu-ray for $5.99. It’s also available on DVD ($2.45) and Blu-ray ($3.65) through eBay with free shipping.
EmersonRose (320 KP) rated Alfred: And The Underworld in Books
Nov 20, 2019
“Yes Alfred, that is it. I love you. I love you so much. And I am worried. I, we, your father and I, and even Tirnalth – we chose this life for you. We fled for you. A great magic was unleashed to help us, for you Alfred. It helped us escape a world fallen to darkness”
Alfred and the Underworld is the second volume of Alfred: The Boy King series by author Ron Smorynski. Published on November 2017, this book continues Alfred’s journey as the King of Westfold. After spending some time back with his mother in the human world researching and preparing, he goes back to his people. Things are not going well, and Alfred has a lot of work to do to help his people get back on their feet and defend themselves from the darkness that surrounds them.
In this book, Smorynski continues not only with this adventure-filled story but has continued to build up his fantasy world. Alfred encounters several new magical creatures, both good and bad around his kingdom. We also get a further building of the magical system and who has access to magic, which adds to the world and what is possible within it. Another interesting aspect was the history and politics that took a forefront position in this book. We are given a better grasp of the world outside of Alfred’s little kingdom. There are more players in the game now some that could be allies and some that have allied themselves with the evil in the land.
I really enjoyed that in this book we get to see different perspectives. While mostly told from Alfred’s point of view, we also get sneak peaks into both his mother’s mind and the enemies Alfred, and his people are fighting. This was interesting because these other characters are privy to information Alfred does not have access to and helps build the intrigue of the story. I particularly liked the chapters focused on Alfred’s mother. Through the excitement of Alfred building up his kingdom and the thrill of preparing for battle and defeating enemies, the mother is a reminder of a big picture and a deeper mystery. Throughout the first book we were given pieces of the life that she left behind when she brought Alfred to our world, and slowly those pieces are coming together.
I greatly enjoyed this book and am excited about the third book in the series Alfred and the Quest of the Knights. Alfred and the Underworld was an exciting, fun, and interesting story on its own, but it also set up nicely for the next installment. Between the big bad that is Gorbogal the witch and the truth bomb that was dropped on Alfred in the last sentence as a cliffhanger, this book as left me desperately waiting for more.
Alfred and the Underworld is the second volume of Alfred: The Boy King series by author Ron Smorynski. Published on November 2017, this book continues Alfred’s journey as the King of Westfold. After spending some time back with his mother in the human world researching and preparing, he goes back to his people. Things are not going well, and Alfred has a lot of work to do to help his people get back on their feet and defend themselves from the darkness that surrounds them.
In this book, Smorynski continues not only with this adventure-filled story but has continued to build up his fantasy world. Alfred encounters several new magical creatures, both good and bad around his kingdom. We also get a further building of the magical system and who has access to magic, which adds to the world and what is possible within it. Another interesting aspect was the history and politics that took a forefront position in this book. We are given a better grasp of the world outside of Alfred’s little kingdom. There are more players in the game now some that could be allies and some that have allied themselves with the evil in the land.
I really enjoyed that in this book we get to see different perspectives. While mostly told from Alfred’s point of view, we also get sneak peaks into both his mother’s mind and the enemies Alfred, and his people are fighting. This was interesting because these other characters are privy to information Alfred does not have access to and helps build the intrigue of the story. I particularly liked the chapters focused on Alfred’s mother. Through the excitement of Alfred building up his kingdom and the thrill of preparing for battle and defeating enemies, the mother is a reminder of a big picture and a deeper mystery. Throughout the first book we were given pieces of the life that she left behind when she brought Alfred to our world, and slowly those pieces are coming together.
I greatly enjoyed this book and am excited about the third book in the series Alfred and the Quest of the Knights. Alfred and the Underworld was an exciting, fun, and interesting story on its own, but it also set up nicely for the next installment. Between the big bad that is Gorbogal the witch and the truth bomb that was dropped on Alfred in the last sentence as a cliffhanger, this book as left me desperately waiting for more.
Gareth von Kallenbach (968 KP) rated Hellboy (2019) in Movies
Jul 2, 2019
Trivia question for you…what does an immortal evil queen, King Arthur, Nazis and a boy born from Hell itself have in common? If you answered Hellboy you win a prize. The prize is going to the theater and watching the film and whether it’s a prize worth winning is something you’ll have to decide for yourself. I’m getting a bit ahead of myself though, so let’s rewind a bit and start at the beginning.
Hellboy (David Harbour) is a demon from Hell (hence the name), his backstory as we learn early on in the movie is pretty standard fare. The Nazi’s are on the verge of losing World War II and in a desperate move to turn the tide call upon the evil sorcerer Rasputin to call upon the depths of Hell and raise a champion who will fight for them. The incantation is interrupted when famous Nazi hunter Lobster Johnson (Thomas Haden Church) goes in with guns blazing, as other allied troops join the fray. Their relief at stopping the incantation is short-lived as the alter opens and a young demon climbs through. Professor Broom who had infiltrated the Nazi team had been brought in to put down any evil that was successfully summoned. Upon seeing the young demon, Professor Broom (for reasons known only to him at the time) decides not to kill him, but to take him in and raise him as his own.
Flash forward to present day, and Hellboy as we now know him alongside his father are members of the B.P.R.D (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense). On a mission to defeat some giants that are roaming the countryside in England they stumble upon an ancient evil that dark forces are trying to retrieve. It seems back in the dark ages a war between humans and monsters was being waged. Seeing no end to the violence King Arthur (Mark Stanley) and his faithful wizard Merlin (Brian Gleeson) offer to surrender to The Blood Queen (Milla Jovovich). On top the hill where the surrender is to take place, the Blood Queen is betrayed by one of her own and King Arthur, using the infamous blade Excalibur, cut the Blood Queen into several parts. While she can’t be killed, she can be contained and each of her body parts are placed in separate boxes. These boxes are then sealed with holy water that only a holy man can unlock and are sent to the farthest corners of England. If the Blood Queen ever returns, she will release a plague that will not only destroy England but spread across the entire world. Thus, sets the stage for Hellboy.
Being a fan of the previous movies and in particular the portrayal of Hellboy by Ron Pearlman, I wasn’t sure how to feel about David Harbour in this role. It’s always a bit hit or miss when a series is rebooted, and I was pleasantly surprised with how David Harbour stepped up and into the role. While he doesn’t have the same menacing size and gruffness that Ron Pearlman possesses, it didn’t take me long to adjust to this new version. He is joined by a strong supporting cast consisting of Sasha Lane as his ghost whispering friend Alice and Ben Daimo as an MI-11 agent weary of teaming up with a monster. Milla Jovovich does an outstanding job as the Blood Queen and her fairy-pig friend portrayed by Stephen Graham and Douglas Tait.
Visually the movie is stunning, with the numerous monsters and fairy creatures coming to life before your eyes. The movie is exceptionally gory as one might expect, with numerous limb dismemberments, decapitations, and more blood than anyone would expect to erupt from such wounds. It’s over-the-top and meant to be that way which tended to bring some uncomfortable laughter at times from those around me. Having recently played Mortal Kombat 11, I couldn’t help but feel that some of the fatality screens in that game would have felt right at home in this movie.
Story is where I feel Hellboy falls a bit flat. There are so many characters and side stories going on that it’s easy to get lost in it. From my description above, you can see that it includes King Arthur, Rasputin, Nazis, Secret Societies, Witches that eat children, monsters…and that’s only in the first half of the movie. There is a ton going on and there are a lot of disconnects. While trying to avoid spoilers, there is a part in the film where Hellboy is talking to Baba Yaga (see another character reference), and after tricking her she places a curse on him. I’m still trying to figure out if the curse she placed on him occurred in the movie or not. In fact, I’m trying to figure out exactly what the point of that scene was. It’s not a bad story, but it tries to pack in a TON of references in its brief hour and forty five-ish minutes.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never read any of the Hellboy graphic novels, I have seen both of the previous films, so I had a little bit of background going into this movie. I don’t know if all the references in the movie are pivotal to the novels or not. You certainly don’t have to have read them or seen the previous movies to appreciate this one, I just wonder if they tried to fit in too many Hellboy references into one film. Hellboy is an enjoyable ride, and it certainly doesn’t drag at all, in fact I was surprised at how quickly it was over. With all that being said, it’s a fun action-packed movie, with lots of gratuitous violence if that’s your thing. I certainly wouldn’t recommend taking your children to see it, violence aside, I just think there is way too much going on and it can be difficult to follow. Oh, and don’t forget to stay through the credits for the end credit scene. It’s not pivotal to the movie, but worth waiting around for.
Hellboy (David Harbour) is a demon from Hell (hence the name), his backstory as we learn early on in the movie is pretty standard fare. The Nazi’s are on the verge of losing World War II and in a desperate move to turn the tide call upon the evil sorcerer Rasputin to call upon the depths of Hell and raise a champion who will fight for them. The incantation is interrupted when famous Nazi hunter Lobster Johnson (Thomas Haden Church) goes in with guns blazing, as other allied troops join the fray. Their relief at stopping the incantation is short-lived as the alter opens and a young demon climbs through. Professor Broom who had infiltrated the Nazi team had been brought in to put down any evil that was successfully summoned. Upon seeing the young demon, Professor Broom (for reasons known only to him at the time) decides not to kill him, but to take him in and raise him as his own.
Flash forward to present day, and Hellboy as we now know him alongside his father are members of the B.P.R.D (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense). On a mission to defeat some giants that are roaming the countryside in England they stumble upon an ancient evil that dark forces are trying to retrieve. It seems back in the dark ages a war between humans and monsters was being waged. Seeing no end to the violence King Arthur (Mark Stanley) and his faithful wizard Merlin (Brian Gleeson) offer to surrender to The Blood Queen (Milla Jovovich). On top the hill where the surrender is to take place, the Blood Queen is betrayed by one of her own and King Arthur, using the infamous blade Excalibur, cut the Blood Queen into several parts. While she can’t be killed, she can be contained and each of her body parts are placed in separate boxes. These boxes are then sealed with holy water that only a holy man can unlock and are sent to the farthest corners of England. If the Blood Queen ever returns, she will release a plague that will not only destroy England but spread across the entire world. Thus, sets the stage for Hellboy.
Being a fan of the previous movies and in particular the portrayal of Hellboy by Ron Pearlman, I wasn’t sure how to feel about David Harbour in this role. It’s always a bit hit or miss when a series is rebooted, and I was pleasantly surprised with how David Harbour stepped up and into the role. While he doesn’t have the same menacing size and gruffness that Ron Pearlman possesses, it didn’t take me long to adjust to this new version. He is joined by a strong supporting cast consisting of Sasha Lane as his ghost whispering friend Alice and Ben Daimo as an MI-11 agent weary of teaming up with a monster. Milla Jovovich does an outstanding job as the Blood Queen and her fairy-pig friend portrayed by Stephen Graham and Douglas Tait.
Visually the movie is stunning, with the numerous monsters and fairy creatures coming to life before your eyes. The movie is exceptionally gory as one might expect, with numerous limb dismemberments, decapitations, and more blood than anyone would expect to erupt from such wounds. It’s over-the-top and meant to be that way which tended to bring some uncomfortable laughter at times from those around me. Having recently played Mortal Kombat 11, I couldn’t help but feel that some of the fatality screens in that game would have felt right at home in this movie.
Story is where I feel Hellboy falls a bit flat. There are so many characters and side stories going on that it’s easy to get lost in it. From my description above, you can see that it includes King Arthur, Rasputin, Nazis, Secret Societies, Witches that eat children, monsters…and that’s only in the first half of the movie. There is a ton going on and there are a lot of disconnects. While trying to avoid spoilers, there is a part in the film where Hellboy is talking to Baba Yaga (see another character reference), and after tricking her she places a curse on him. I’m still trying to figure out if the curse she placed on him occurred in the movie or not. In fact, I’m trying to figure out exactly what the point of that scene was. It’s not a bad story, but it tries to pack in a TON of references in its brief hour and forty five-ish minutes.
I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never read any of the Hellboy graphic novels, I have seen both of the previous films, so I had a little bit of background going into this movie. I don’t know if all the references in the movie are pivotal to the novels or not. You certainly don’t have to have read them or seen the previous movies to appreciate this one, I just wonder if they tried to fit in too many Hellboy references into one film. Hellboy is an enjoyable ride, and it certainly doesn’t drag at all, in fact I was surprised at how quickly it was over. With all that being said, it’s a fun action-packed movie, with lots of gratuitous violence if that’s your thing. I certainly wouldn’t recommend taking your children to see it, violence aside, I just think there is way too much going on and it can be difficult to follow. Oh, and don’t forget to stay through the credits for the end credit scene. It’s not pivotal to the movie, but worth waiting around for.
Movie Metropolis (309 KP) rated The Dark Tower (2017) in Movies
Jun 10, 2019
10 years in the making
A film adaptation of Stephen King’s wildly successful Dark Tower novels has been rumoured for over a decade. In 2007, J.J. Abrams was attached to direct the film but dropped out in December 2009.
Then, in 2010, veteran director Ron Howard was to head the project, but that fell through in 2015. Finally, by June 2015 the film entered full-steam ahead production with Danish filmmaker Nikolaj Arcel at the helm.
So, 10 years on from the first murmurings of a Dark Tower film were discovered, what is the finished product like? And does it capture the wonder of that eight-novel behemoth by King?Roland Deschain (Idris Elba), the last Gunslinger, is locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim (Matthew McConaughey), also known as the Man in Black. The Gunslinger must prevent the Man in Black from toppling the Dark Tower, the key that holds the universe together. With the fate of worlds at stake, two men collide in the ultimate battle between good and evil.
Unfortunately, this troubled production has resulted in a film that’s biggest sin is its averageness. There’s not a single thing about The Dark Tower that stands out as unique, even with charismatic stars like Matthew McCounaughey and Idris Elba at the helm.
The two of them perform well with the overtly expositional dialogue and Elba just reeks of charisma, despite the dross he unfortunately has to spout from time to time. Newcomer Tom Taylor is fine, but it pains me to say it, just a little bit bland.
The plot is nigh on impossible to understand for those who haven’t read King’s books with a story that never fully explains what the titular tower even does. How on earth can a film enter production without a script that fully describes such a vital plot point? It’d be like Mad Max: Fury Road never actually featuring Max, just referencing him occasionally.
Elsewhere, Tom Holkenborg’s score is bland, the special effects just about as average as you can get and the cinematography uninspiring. This is such a shame, because moments of excellence shine through.
The action is choreographed to a good standard and the sequences in which Elba and Taylor visit Earth are an enjoyable fish-out-of-water style distraction from an otherwise disappointing script. Think Thor on Earth but in NYC rather than New Mexico.
Ultimately though, films like this get me a little angry and I feel frustrated just writing this review. With eight books in which to take nuggets of story from, the film just kind of plods along for 95 minutes. I’m not normally one for suggesting a movie be longer, but The Dark Tower really did need an extra 30 minutes at least to flesh out the characters and plot.
Overall, despite two commanding performances from its lead stars, The Dark Tower is a royal mess. In a year that has featured numerous disappointing sequels, Sony could’ve kicked things up a gear with something completely new. In the end, we’re left with a film as bland and average as you can possibly get. What a shame.
Let’s just hope that It is the King adaptation we’ve been waiting for.
https://moviemetropolis.net/2017/08/19/the-dark-tower-review-10-years-in-the-making/
Then, in 2010, veteran director Ron Howard was to head the project, but that fell through in 2015. Finally, by June 2015 the film entered full-steam ahead production with Danish filmmaker Nikolaj Arcel at the helm.
So, 10 years on from the first murmurings of a Dark Tower film were discovered, what is the finished product like? And does it capture the wonder of that eight-novel behemoth by King?Roland Deschain (Idris Elba), the last Gunslinger, is locked in an eternal battle with Walter O’Dim (Matthew McConaughey), also known as the Man in Black. The Gunslinger must prevent the Man in Black from toppling the Dark Tower, the key that holds the universe together. With the fate of worlds at stake, two men collide in the ultimate battle between good and evil.
Unfortunately, this troubled production has resulted in a film that’s biggest sin is its averageness. There’s not a single thing about The Dark Tower that stands out as unique, even with charismatic stars like Matthew McCounaughey and Idris Elba at the helm.
The two of them perform well with the overtly expositional dialogue and Elba just reeks of charisma, despite the dross he unfortunately has to spout from time to time. Newcomer Tom Taylor is fine, but it pains me to say it, just a little bit bland.
The plot is nigh on impossible to understand for those who haven’t read King’s books with a story that never fully explains what the titular tower even does. How on earth can a film enter production without a script that fully describes such a vital plot point? It’d be like Mad Max: Fury Road never actually featuring Max, just referencing him occasionally.
Elsewhere, Tom Holkenborg’s score is bland, the special effects just about as average as you can get and the cinematography uninspiring. This is such a shame, because moments of excellence shine through.
The action is choreographed to a good standard and the sequences in which Elba and Taylor visit Earth are an enjoyable fish-out-of-water style distraction from an otherwise disappointing script. Think Thor on Earth but in NYC rather than New Mexico.
Ultimately though, films like this get me a little angry and I feel frustrated just writing this review. With eight books in which to take nuggets of story from, the film just kind of plods along for 95 minutes. I’m not normally one for suggesting a movie be longer, but The Dark Tower really did need an extra 30 minutes at least to flesh out the characters and plot.
Overall, despite two commanding performances from its lead stars, The Dark Tower is a royal mess. In a year that has featured numerous disappointing sequels, Sony could’ve kicked things up a gear with something completely new. In the end, we’re left with a film as bland and average as you can possibly get. What a shame.
Let’s just hope that It is the King adaptation we’ve been waiting for.
https://moviemetropolis.net/2017/08/19/the-dark-tower-review-10-years-in-the-making/
Lee KM Pallatina (951 KP) Feb 26, 2022
LeftSideCut (3778 KP) Feb 26, 2022