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The Story of Silence
The Story of Silence
Alex Myers | 2021 | Fiction & Poetry, Science Fiction/Fantasy
8
8.0 (1 Ratings)
Book Rating
An Arthurian tale, adapted from a 13th century lost poem, containing dragons and knights but tackling the fluid notion of gender? Sign me up! Literally! Thank you to Eidelweiss+ and HarperVoyager for the opportunity to read this in exchange for an honest review.

Silence is born a girl, but due to the laws of inheritance is raised a boy, with only 3 people knowing their true gender (one of whom, initially, is not Silence). The Story of Silence follows Silence from birth, showing their struggles between Nature and Nurture in the medieval period.
The writing style of this fantasy novel is remarkable, with an almost lyrical, ballad quality to it. The settings of Cornwall, and later Brittany, are described in such a way that captivates the reader, transporting them to the jousting fields, the towering castles and the courts of Earls and Kings.
The writing is at a slower pace, a literary journey rather than a sprint and for that reason I didn’t quite get the feeling of “I can’t put this down”, particularly in the middle of the novel. However, the twists and turns in Silence’s life were always quick to pull me back in.
As a character, the reader loves Silence from the very beginning. None of the struggles of their life are of their own making. Indeed, there are moments within this story where it would have been much simpler to tell the truth but Silence does not, displaying true knightly qualities of courage and loyalty. If I had one criticism of this book it is that, after his first “courses”, Silence doesn’t seem to find disguising his Nature very difficult., Yes, he binds his chest but he also travels on the road with male companions for years with no further mention of the more natural signs of his true nature.
The cast of characters surrounding Silence are also excellent, we have the troubled Earl Cador who, despite his original plan, it seems cannot love his child as he should; Griselle and the seneschal who do love and care for Silence and then there is Merlin.
Now, I know Silence should be my favourite character but Merlin stole the show in my opinion! There is no stoical wizard in Myers’ world, oh no! Merlin is a naked, disgusting old man who has an awful habit of laughing out loud at the unseen futures of those he passes. I also appreciated how Merlin wasn’t a solution to Silence’s problems (in fact the opposite is true!). Despite the magical undercurrent within this story, Merlin doesn’t fix everything with the flick of a magic wand – conversely he forces Silence to look inside and solve their own riddle, emphasising that you do not need to fit into one category or another, you can be both, you can be what you decide to be.
It should also be noted that, up to this point in the novel, Silence is referred to with the male pronoun, as that is how he sees himself. He is a boy. He is a knight! However, on processing Merlin’s world this pronoun notably changes to they and their. A beautiful detail that resonated how Silence had accepted their true identity.
The characterisation of women in The Story of Silence is something that has been picked up on a lot by my fellow reviewers and yes, the women in this book are often sex-crazed, deceitful, disloyal creatures. This is also an issue that is directly discussed within the author’s note, further proving that this was not an intentional slight on women. Alex Myers is an author, they are telling a story and that story takes place in the 13th century when, unfortunately, women were depicted like this. The main despicable action by a woman is essential to stay true to the poem. Was it frustrating as a female reader? Sometimes. But are there an equal number of ugly characteristics shown in the male characters? Absolutely!
The Story of Silence is a slow-burning tale which steadily unfurls into a captivating narrative which will stay with the reader long after the final page. The original 13th century poem captures the concept of gender so beautifully but Alex Myers takes this even further, handling Silence’s journey with love and compassion. I feel very lucky to have read this.
  
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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
J.K. Rowling | 1998 | Children
10
9.0 (208 Ratings)
Book Rating
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#1 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3217515684">Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone</a> - ★★★★★
#2 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2371215543">Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets</a> - ★★★★★
#3 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/3275165909">Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban</a> - ★★★★

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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is probably my favorite book in the Harry Potter series. It's the second year in Hogwarts for Harry Potter and his friends Ron and Hermione. The year we discover many new things in the Harry Potter world.

This is the book where we meet Dobby. Also the book where we find out about Voldemort's true identity. The book in which we find out what really happened to Moaning Myrtle.

I have truly forgotten how good the beginning of the book is. Firstly, I cannot understand why Harry has to go back and stay with that awful family during the summer. I know they are his legal guardians, but they don't want him staying with them either! Then, there is Dobby, who wants Harry to not go back to Hogwarts and creates a huge mess. The best moment though, is when Ron comes to the rescue with the flying car! Because Ron knows Harry might be in trouble. And Harry's owl secret endeavours are revealed too. And I cannot help but share this moment of Hermione worrying about Harry, as well as Ron's family owl. 

<b><i>"I've been really worried and if Harry is all right, will you please let me know at once, but perhaps it would be better if you used a different owl, because I think another delivery might finish your one off."</i></b>

There is something about the Harry Potter books that I have always loved. The feeling of acceptance they give you. The inclusivity. The ability to be part of the magical world too!

<b><i>"You will find that I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me. You will also find that help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it."</i></b>

Harry's curiosity is something I loved since day one.

I love the powerful friendship he has with Hermione & Ron. His bravery and his eagerness to always make things right. I love that danger doesn't scare him. And I have to admit - I also love Harry's rivalry with Malfoy! Their encounters are always a treat!

<b><i>"Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards."</i></b>

What I loved the most about this book were the conversations between Harry and You Know Who. The moment Harry acknowledged why he is alive and why he is better.

<b><i>"How is it that a baby with no extraordinary magical talent managed to defeat the greatest wizard of all time?"

"No one knows why you lost your powers when you attacked me. I don't know myself. But I know why you couldn't kill me. Because my mother died to save me."</i></b>

And on top o all this - the moment Harry finds out why he truly belongs to Gryffindor!

<b><i>"It is out choices, Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities."</i></b>

Truly a favorite of mine and a series I will be forever recommending.<b><i>Always!</i></b>

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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016)
2016 | Fantasy
Marvelous Cash Cows and How to Milk Them.
As just about everyone in the whole muggle world (or nomaj world if you’re reading this in the States) knows, FBaWtFT is the first of a five film spin-off series from the Potter franchise, still under the careful stewardship of David Yates. (And if the other films in the series were ‘amber-lit’ rather than ‘green-lit’, their production now seems assured after the US opening weekend alone has brought in nearly half its $180 million budget).
Set in New York in the mid-1920’s Eddie Redmayne (“The Danish Girl”; “The Theory of Everything”) plays Newt Scamander, a Brit newly arrived with a case full of trouble. Newt is a bit like an amiable and ditsy David Attenborough, with a strong desire to protect and establish breeding colonies for endangered species. It’s fair to say though that these are creatures that even Sir David hasn’t yet filmed.

Within the battered old case (a forerunner of Hermione Grainger’s bag, which was probably borrowed from Mary Poppins), Newt stores a menagerie of strange and wonderful creatures which – after a bump and a mishap – get released by wannabe baker and muggle Jacob Kowalski (Dan Fogler, “Fanboys”). Newt has the job of rounding up the strays with the help of Tina (Katherine Waterston, “Steve Jobs”), an out of favour member of the Magical Congress of the USA (MACUSA). Unfortunately this couldn’t be happening at a worse time: something else – nothing to do with Newt – is wreaking havoc across New York and MACUSA is on red alert suspecting the involvement of a dark wizard, Gellert Grindelwald, following attacks in Europe. And keeping the secrets of wizardry from the NoMaj population is getting increasingly difficult, especially with the efforts of the “Second Salemers” movement run by Mary Lou (Samantha Morton, “Minority Report”) and her strange adopted family.

This film will obviously be an enormous success given the love of all things Potter, but is it any good? Well, its different for sure, being set many years before Potter and only having glancing references to Hogwarts and related matters. And that gives the opportunity to start afresh with new characters and new relationships which is refreshing. It’s all perfectly amiable, with Redmayne’s slightly embarrassed lack of eye-contact* in delivering his lines being charming. [* Is this perhaps the second leading character in a month that is high on the autistic spectrum?] . Redmayne does have a tendency to mutter though and (particularly with the sound system for the cinema I saw this in) this made a lot of his dialogue inaudible. Waterston makes for a charming if somewhat insipid heroine, not being given an awful lot to do in the action sequences.

Kowalski adds a humorous balance to the mixture, but the star comic turns are some of the creatures, especially the Niffler… a light fingered magpie-like creature with a voluminous pouch and expensive tastes!

In the ‘I-almost-know-who-that-is-behind-the-make-up-but-can’t-quite-place-him’ role is Ron “Hellboy” Perlman as the untrustworthy gangster Gnarlack. And in another cameo – and probably paid an enormous fee for his 30 seconds of screen time – is Johnny Depp, which was money well-wasted since, like most of his roles, he was completely unrecognisable (I only knew it was him from checking imdb afterwards).

At the pen is J.K.Rowling herself, and there are a few corking lines in the script. However, in common with many of her novels, there is also a tendency for extrapolation and padding. Some judicial editing could have knocked at least twenty minutes off its child-unfriendly 133 minute running time and made a better film. Undoubtedly the first half of the film is better than the second, with the finale slouching into – as my other half put it – “superhero” territory with much CGI destruction and smashing of glass. What is perhaps most surprising about the story is that there are few obvious set-ups for the next film.

Quirky and original, its a film that will no-doubt please Potter fans and it stands as a decent fantasy film in its own right. It’s difficult though to get the smell of big business and exploitation out of your nostrils: no doubt stockings throughout the world will be full of plush toy nifflers this Christmas.
  
Kids Chronicles: Quest for the Moon Stones
Kids Chronicles: Quest for the Moon Stones
2021 | Adventure, Exploration, Fantasy, Kids Game
The Kids Table series from Purple Phoenix Games seeks to lightly explore games that are focused toward children and families. We will do our best to give some good insight, but not bog your down with the millions of rules…

In Kids Chronicles: Quest of the Moon Stones (which I will just call “this game” from here on out if you please), players are new apprentices to Merlin, the old wizard keeping two neighboring kingdoms together and keeping them from warring with each other. In this game, players will be adventuring across the double-sided board solving riddles, completing quests, and meeting tons of great characters all with the assistance and guidance of a free app specifically designed for this game.

DISCLAIMER: We were provided a copy of this game for the purposes of this review. This is a retail copy of the game, so what you see in these photos is exactly what would be received in your box. I do not intend to cover every single rule included in the rulebook, but will describe the overall game flow and major rule set so that our readers may get a sense of how the game plays. For more in depth rules, you may purchase a copy online or from your FLGS. -T


Setup could not be easier for this game. First, download the Kids Chronicles app to your phone or tablet, lay out the board (initially on the side that looks like Summer), display the Character cards and Item cards face-up in their respective decks. You don’t even have to sort or shuffle them! And you’re done. The game is ready to be played! Open the app and let it guide you through each mission – but do start with the tutorial, especially if any player hasn’t played a hybrid board game like this before.

I do not want to give away too much information in this review, so I will keep this portion brief. Throughout the game players will be marching around to different parts of the board, speaking with characters, collecting items, and solving riddles by scanning the QR codes found on the cards and board locations. I really should stop here so as not to spoil any actual gameplay information.
I have reviewed many of these hybrid app-driven games from Lucky Duck Games (Chronicles of Crime, CoC: 1400, CoC: 1900, and CoC: 2400). None of them, however, are designed for children, nor recommended for children to even play. With those titles, very adult themes are played through, but this is not so here with this game. Kids Chronicles is VERY family friendly, and the app simply walks players through the entire setup and missions.

What I enjoy most about this game, especially after having played their bigger siblings, is that there is no time limit to have things completed. So players can travel across the land, scanning whatever they like, and not be penalized for it. You just can’t do that with the grown-up versions. Also, the art is excellent and colorful – perfect for a kids game. The stunning visual appeal, free-feeling adventuring, and introducing the hybridization of apps and board games to children all work together really well here.

Now, the box advises that this game is for ages 7+ but my little 5-year-old loves this one and asks to play it all the time. There is a lot of reading to be done from the app (it doesn’t read anything aloud), but that just adds to the fun for us, because I enjoy adding different voices to the characters. So in a way, this is very similar to reading a nighttime book, but just way more fun.

So, if you have little gamers at home that are ready for that next step, I recommend checking out Kids Chronicles. I am super happy that Lucky Duck Games is branching out into the children’s games market, and bringing that excellent scanning mechanic along for the ride. Once you get the hang of this style of game, I suggest you also then pick up a copy of one of the Chronicles of Crime games for your adult game nights. You can thank me later!
  
Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)
Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016)
2016 | Action, Family, Sci-Fi
5
5.8 (22 Ratings)
Movie Rating
Story: Alice Through the Looking Glass starts as Alice (Wasikowska) returns from one of her voyages around the world only to find her dreams of seeing the world have been taken from her. Escaping the real world Wonderland calls Alice back with Queen Mirana (Hathaway) and the rest of the characters need Alice to bring the Hatter (Depp) back to his senses after he falls through memories of his loss.

Alice must travel back through time to save the Hatter’ family and bring him back to his colourful ways. Alice finds herself having to go to Time (Cohen) himself to find a way to save the Hatter where she finds herself coming across an old foe Iracebeth (Carter) who wants to use time to control the kingdoms regaining her crown.

Alice Through the Looking Glass does what Oz the Great and Powerful and Wicked have done to The Wizard of Oz by making us want to sympathise with the villainous characters by showing us how they got driven into evil ways because of the bad decisions by the good one. The travel through time works because it does explain certain moments from the story like why Hatter and co have been waiting so long for the tea party. In the end this just tries slightly too much to not bring any new villainous threat to the world to show Alice the important lesson in the real life she is living.

 

Actor Review

 

Johnny Depp: Hatter Tarrant Hightopp has gone into a deep depression when he learns to remember the fate of his family, Alice is trying to go through his past to stop this event so we get to meet Hatter as he was younger and struggling to decide whether to follow in his father’s footsteps. Johnny continues his streak of quirky roles but does get over shadowed by Mia.

Mia Wasikowska: Alice is now an adventurer who travels the world only to return home and find her future gone and being forced to give up her dreams. When she returns to Wonderland she must battle the forces of time to save her old friend Hatter and learn to accept her own changes in her life. Mia is good in this role but it is strange seeing an older version of Alice.

Helena Bonham Carter: Iracebeth is the evil queen who lost her crown in the first film, she wants to use time to change the past keeping her power over the kingdoms, but this time we learn about what drove her to be the way she is. Helena continues her blatant rip off performance from Queenie in Blackadder.

Anne Hathaway: Mirana is the good queen of the kingdom who asks Alice to help the Hatter only for us to learn about her younger ways. Anne is very basic in this supporting performance where she doesn’t get much to work with.

Support Cast: Alice Through the Looking Glass has a big supporting cast with Sacha Baron Cohen shining as Time itself chasing Alice down through time.

Director Review: James Bobin – James gives us a solid sequel but seems to mix Oz the Great and Powerful with time travel.

 

Adventure: Alice Through the Looking Glass does put Alice on an adventure she could only dream of through time itself.

Family: Alice Through the Looking Glass does feel slightly too dark for the youngest members of family to enjoy.

Fantasy: Alice Through the Looking Glass builds on the fantasy world created on the first outing looking deeper into the backstory of the characters involved.

Settings: Alice Through the Looking Glass brings us back to the Wonderland location with the inclusion of the time warehouse location.
Special Effects: Alice Through the Looking Glass is a film you can almost feel the green screen behind the actors.

Suggestion: Alice Through the Looking Glass is only one to try really I don’t think it is one that is that special. (Try It)

 

Best Part: Time is a good character.

Worst Part: Just feels like a copy of Oz the Great and the Powerful with time travel.

 

Believability: No

Chances of Tears: No

Chances of Sequel: No

Post Credits Scene: No

 

Oscar Chances: No

Budget: $170 Million

Runtime: 1 Hour 53 Minutes

Tagline: This spring, it’s time for a little madness.

 

Overall: Simple sequel that offers nothing new to the overall Wonderland world.

https://moviesreview101.com/2016/06/23/alice-through-the-looking-glass-2016/
  
27 hours: Nightside Saga Series, Book One
27 hours: Nightside Saga Series, Book One
Tristina Wright | 2017 | Science Fiction/Fantasy
2
2.0 (1 Ratings)
Book Rating
DNF at a place I don't remember because I read this book ages ago and apparently I didn't upload a review. (Also will not be supporting further on after this due to reasons.)

<b><i>I received this book for free from the publisher via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. This does not affect my opinion of the book or the content of my review.</b></i>

I wish I could’ve enjoyed 27 Hours as much as most people I know seem to have enjoyed the book, but alas, that is not the case.

Also I’ve been keeping a wonderful streak of finishing every book this year, and I wanted to keep that streak. But...

27 Hours was an absolute pain for me to read, and this was the situation I found myself in constantly:

Me: *picks up book, starts reading*
Me (ten minutes later): Ugh, this is painful. I’m bored.
Me (while trying to read): I’m going to do some blogging and maybe quest on my balance wizard. Maybe this will motivate me.
Me (two hours later): *finishes a dungeon in game, finds myself reading maybe two sentences in between battles* Please note that I'm actually good at reading while waiting for my turn, especially when I'm in a team.
Me (two days later): Ooo shiny book! *starts new book*
Me (another two days later): Oh, yeah. I was supposed to read you, right? *eyes book warily* Let's try this again.

This cycle repeated itself for days and weeks. Eventually, I just called it quits because when I’ve been repeating the same thing over and over again and have progressed more in a game than a book, we’ve got issues and it’s time for me to move on to other books.

27 Hours has a lot of representation among the characters, I won’t deny that. But that’s honestly the only thing I can think of that’s good about this book. Anything I might have missed has been clouded over by the cons.

<b>Why 27 Hours Is Not My Cup of Tea</b>
Rumor - I’m being very nitpicky, but the name Rumor instantly reminded me of Adele’s song. Every time “Rumor” came up in the book (which is a lot, considering the fact he’s a main character), the song blasted in my brain.

The name Rumor, however, is the least of my worries.

The world building is a mass of confusion - I have no clue what things are and honestly the world is a jumbled mess of a confusion. Is a dragon the same as a gargoyle, is a chimera the same as a gargoyle, are they simply the same creatures with different names depending on which group the person belongs to… or what? Is it a group of rebellious humans? Also what is this about hellhounds and gargoyles? The world building feels like a melting pot gone very wrong on the moon hundreds of years in the future.

Not only is the world building is a mass of confusion, but it feels way too modern for a book that is supposedly set 200 years from now.

I’m mainly concerned about the world building to focus on the logistics of book year and present year, though.

Too many characters - There are too many to keep track of in 27 Hours, and the fun part? They’re introduced early. I don’t… I don’t even know who this random dude is and boom! We’ve got another one. I knew for sure there were going to be at least four POVs, which is a lot, but it’s not too much. BUT… not only do we have Jude, Rumor, Nyx, Braedon, etc. etc. we have some person named Colt, Wren, Eric, Sara… that’s just some of the characters.

This is by chapter three. Chapter freaking THREE. My brain was already hurting from the world building and then there are all of these characters being introduced and OMG I just wanted to scream.

I just… I just can’t handle all of these characters because I don’t even remember who does what by the time character #2244 pops up.

I really wished I could’ve finished 27 Hours and continued my streak for this year, but the huge cast of characters being introduced so early into the story and massively confusing world is a no go for me.

<a href="https://thenovelistics.blogspot.com/2017/11/27-hours-by-tristina-wright-arc-review.html">This review is originally posted on The Novelistics</a>
  
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Sarah (7798 KP) created a post

Jan 18, 2021 (Updated Jan 18, 2021)  
(Posting this separately as it covers as a review for 3 films @The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) , @The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002) and @The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003) )
Film(s) #11 on the 100 Movies Bucket List: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Film 11 is actually the three films that make up the Lord of the Rings trilogy: Fellowship of the Ring, The Two Towers and Return of the King. Whilst I can entirely understand featuring the trilogy as a whole, especially as they were filmed back to back and follow the same continuing storyline, however as a watcher this is a tad frustrating. The extended editions of these films, which I own of course, come in at a hefty runtime of just under 12 hours and this means a marathon of a film screening. But gripes about the runtime aside, this trilogy is still every bit the epic I remember it being when they were first released nearly 20 years ago.

The Lord of the Rings trilogy is based by JRR Tolkien’s book of the same name that follows Frodo (Elijah Wood), a hobbit who must journey to the darkest lands of Mordor to destroy a powerful ring before it falls into the hands of the evil lord Sauron. Throughout Frodo’s journey across Middle Earth, he is accompanied by a 9 strong fellowship: hobbits Sam (Sean Astin), Merry (Dominic Monaghan) and Pippin (Billy Boyd); men Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) and Boromir (Sean Bean); elf Legolas (Orlando Bloom), wizard Gandalf the Grey (Ian McKellen) and dwarf Gimli (John Rhys-Davies). All of whom must also face their own battles in the war to defeat Sauron.

At the time these films were released between 2001 and 2003, we’d never seen filmmaking taken to such extremes and I’d argue that aside from the later Hobbit film trilogy (the less said about those the better), we still haven’t seen anything like it in the decades since. To film these back to back over 15 months with a immense cast, sets and filming locations across New Zealand is no mean feat and watching these back you can really appreciate the sheer amount of work that has gone into these films. The cinematography is stunning and really highlights the beautiful scenery of New Zealand, and the CGI for it’s time was beyond impressive. The motion capture technology used for Andy Serkis’ portrayal of Gollum was incredible and like nothing we’d seen before. All of this paired with Howard Shore’s hugely memorable and iconic score makes for a superb bit of filmmaking.

What makes director Peter Jackson’s take on Lord of the Rings so engaging is the story and the fact that there’s nothing in the main plot that is unnecessary. Jackson had removed all of the erroneous side plots from the book (think Tom Bombadil) yet kept the main thread of the story intact, which effortlessly weaves serious fantasy and war with some rather light hearted and funny moments. While I would normally be an advocate of books over their film counterparts, I happily make an exception for the Lord of the Rings. The films are definitely better than the book. They’re also helped by a stellar cast, from seasoned veterans like Ian McKellen and Christopher Lee (Saruman), to relative newcomers at the time like Viggo Mortensen, who has by far a standout performance, who all do their part to make this trilogy come alive.

This isn’t to say that the trilogy is flawless. Whilst the films look good for their age, some of the special effects haven’t aged quite as well as you’d expect and there are some that are looking decidedly ragged around the edges – Treebeard in Fangorn forest is but one example. The casting of Orlando Bloom was also a questionable one. His acting skills are limited at best and while he is meant to be playing a rather emotionless elf, his performance is very poor compared the rest of the elvish actors. He probably isn’t helped by the fact that Legolas has been given some rather ridiculous and farfetched acrobatics that just look quite silly. And then there’s Éowyn, who is possibly one of the most irritating characters of all, her doe eyed fawning over Aragorn completely overruling the tough, feisty woman she’s trying to be. Finally I’d also question about whether the extended editions are truly necessary, which I appreciate does make me a bit of a hypocrite seen as I own them. They might include scenes we’d never seen in the theatrical releases, but I’d argue that none of these ads particularly much to the overall story.

However despite these flaws, the Lord of the Rings trilogy is undeniably an epic masterclass in filmmaking from Peter Jackson and these are 3 films that you won’t forget in a hurry. It can only be 10/10.
     
Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)
Fantastic Beasts: Crimes of Grindelwald (2018)
2018 | Adventure, Family, Fantasy, Mystery
Lestranger than fiction.
I must be one of the last people to watch this in the cinema, thanks to an irritating bout of sickness and – well – frankly total bloody apathy! For me this is the franchise that nobody asked for and nobody wanted. (Well, “nobody” is probably overstating the case, since there is probably a bunch of Potterheads out there who are shouting at me right now). But judging from the opinion of my daughter-in-law, who could win “Mastermind” with her knowledge of the original Potter series as her specialist subject, I am certainly not alone in my lack of enthusiasm.

The Plot
I’d really love to tell you about the plot. I really would! But I would struggle to pull all the multitude of strands together from J.K. Rowling’s story and coherently explain them to anyone. If Rowling had put ten thousand monkeys (not a million – it’s no bloody Shakespeare) into a room with typewriters and locked the door I wouldn’t be surprised.

Let me try at a high level….. The arch-criminal wizard Grindelwald (Johnny Depp) is being tortured in ‘Trump Tower’, but manages to escape and flees to Paris in pursuit of a mysterious circus performer called Credence (Ezra Miller) and his bewitched companion Nagini (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) played fetchingly by Claudia Kim. Someone needs to stop him, and all eyes are on Albus Dumbledore (Jude Law). But he is unable to do so, since he and Grindelwald are “closer than brothers” (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). So a reluctant and UK-grounded Newt Scamander (Eddie Redmayne) is smuggled into the danger zone… which suits him just fine since his love Tina (Katherine Waterston) is working for the ministry there, and the couple are currently estranged due to a (topical) bout of ‘Fake News’.

Throw in a potential love triangle between Newt, his brother Theseus (Callum Turner) and old Hogwart’s schoolmate Leta Lestrange (Zoë Kravitz) and about a half dozen other sub-plots and you have… well… a complete bugger’s muggle – – sorry – – muddle.

A plot that’s all at sea
Above all, I really can’t explain the crux of the plot. A venerable diarrhoea of exposition in a crypt, during an inexplicably quiet fifteen minutes (given ‘im-who-can-be-named is next door with about a thousand other people!) left me completely bewildered. A bizarre event at sea (no spoilers) would seem to make absolutely NO SENSE when considered with another reveal at the end of the film. I thought I must have clearly missed something… or I’d just not been intelligent enough to process the information…. or…. it was actually completely bonkers! Actually, I think it’s the latter: in desperation I went on a fan site that tried to explain the plot. While it was explained there, the explanation aligned with what I thought had happened: but it made no mention of the ridiculousness of the random coincidence involved!

The turns
The film’s a mess. Which is a shame since everyone involved tries really hard. Depp oozes evil very effectively (he proves that nicely on arriving in Paris, and doubles-down about 5 minutes later: #veryverydark). Redmayne replays his Newt-act effectively but once again (and I see I made the same comments in my “Fantastic Beasts” review) his character mumbles again so much that many of his lines are unintelligible.

I also complained last time that the excellent actress Katherine Waterston was criminally underused as the tentative love interest Tina. this trend unfortunately continues unabated in this film…. you’ll struggle afterwards to write down what she actually did in this film.

Jacob (Dan Fogler) and Queenie (Alison Sudol, looking for all the world in some scenes like Rachel Weisz) reprise their roles in a sub-plot that goes nowhere in particular.

Of the newcomers, Jude Law as Dumbledore is a class-act but has very little screen time: hopefully he will get more to do next time around. Zoë Kravitz impresses as Leta.

Wizards of the screen
As you would expect from a David Yates / David Heyman Potter collaboration, the product design, costume design and special effects are all excellent. Some scenes are truly impressive – an ‘explosion’ in a Parisian garret is particularly spectacular.

But special effects alone do not a great film make. Many reviews I’ve seen complain that this was a ‘filler’ film… a set-up film for the rest of the series. And I can understand that view. If you analyse the film overall, virtually NOTHING of importance actually happens: it’s like the “Order of the Phoenix” of the prequels.

Final Thoughts
I dragged myself along to see this one because “I thought I should”. The third in the series will really need to sparkle to make me want to see it. If J.K. Rowling were to take me advice (she won’t – she NEVER returns my calls!) then she would sculpt the story-arc but leave the screenwriting to someone better. The blame for this one, I’m afraid, lies at Rowling’s door alone.