Daniel Boyd (1066 KP) rated Hellboy (2019) in Movies
Apr 17, 2019 (Updated Apr 17, 2019)
It has without a doubt taken the crown of the worst superhero movie ever made from Fan4stic and is downright insulting. I cannot believe that they chose to make this dogshit over another one with Ron Perlman and Del Toro. Almost every single aspect of this movie is garbage and there are hardly any redeeming features.
Let's talk about the main character, this movie's version of Hellboy. We all knew going in that David Harbour had some pretty big shoes to fill left by Perlman and in Harbour's defence, pretty much the only slightly positive aspect of this thing is the fact that you can tell that Harbour is doing the very best with the piss poor material he has been given to work with. Most of his lines are awful and the way that his character is written as a moaning, whiny bitch is actually insulting to the character. Also, the excessive makeup he is wearing means that he is hardly able to emote with his mouth. When he is talking, his mouth simply opens and closes like a puppet and it is painfully obvious that the dialogue has been dubbed in later and it's not even been done very well. The other slight positive in this movie is seeing Hellboy in his full demonic getup with long horns and donning the flaming crown and sword was pretty cool, unfortunately this is only a fleeting glimpse of coolness before we get right back to the crap.
The other memorable part of the Del Toro Hellboy movies was the endearing supporting cast, unfortunately they have been substituted with an insufferable lot of replacements. The actress playing Alice may give the worst performance that I have ever seen in a comic book movie, (and I saw Polar!) Every single line that she uttered was extremely cringe-worthy and poorly delivered. Daniel Dae Kim was almost as bad as Hellboy's other sidekick. Again, a lot of his lines were ADR'd in later and it is really shoddily done. Ian McShane plays Broom, the scientist that found Hellboy and adopted him and he is sleepwalking his way through this role for the sake of an easy paycheck. As is Milla Jovovich, she plays a stereotypical villainous witch and she does nothing here that we haven't seen her do before in other movies.
Over my years of watching almost every comic book movie that releases, I have seen my fair share of cheap, cartoony looking CGI, but this takes the cake. Almost every scene in the movie features some kind of CGI creature and they are all on a similar level of quality to an unfinished student project. One of the moments it really stood out was the giant fight, where we were subjected to not only one bad CGI giant, but three of them. The scene is also shot in broad daylight, which really does the bad CGI no favours. Not once, did anything in this movie look better than anything in the Del Toro movies which came out 10+ years ago.
I'm going to spoil something here, because seriously who gives a fuck at this point? The absolute worst part of CGI though in the entire movie, is undoubtedly during one of the final scenes in the movie where Ian McShane comes back to speak to Hellboy as a ghost. The CG in this scene is genuinely on par with the Rock's CG in in the Scorpion King. Yes, it really is that bad.
The soundtrack is so misused here also. The songs themselves that are featured are all half decent songs, but they do not work in the context of this film and they add absolutely nothing to the scenes that they are used in. The editing is also horrible, there were several times that I was reminded of the cheap editing in shows like Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
The last thing that I want to talk about is the tone and humour, (or lack of,) present throughout the film. The movie opens with a flashback scene showing King Arthur chopping up the witch. The scene is being narrated by Ian McShane and it is chock-full of diabolically awful dialogue and insufferably cheesy line delivery. Whilst watching it I thought, "Oh they are really hamming it up here and going for a really corny tone for these flashback scenes." I then swiftly came to the soul-crushing conclusion that no, this was how the next 2 hours of this movie was going to go. The awful sense of humour is actually comparable to that in a poor quality kids film, with gross out burp and kiss jokes to boot. What happened to the darker, more horror orientated tone that we were teased with when the movie was in pre-production? Any semblance of that is sorely lacking here and it is a shame because I would have quite liked to have seen that movie and there is a good chance that it would have been a lot better than this dumpster fire.
Overall, please don't see this unless you hate yourself. It is two hours of your life that would be better spent doing literally anything else. At the end it has the audacity to tease a sequel which, (if there is a God,) will never happen.
Gareth von Kallenbach (980 KP) rated Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019) in Movies
Aug 9, 2019
The 80’s was a decade obsessed with the occult and works of fiction that parents thought were written to corrupt the minds of the youth of the age. Before video games were blamed for all the evil in the world there was Heavy Metal music, the fantastical role-playing games such as Dungeons and Dragons and books such as these that parents rallied around and attempted to ban from schools and after school functions. Looking back now at the hysteria that this caused is almost laughable, but for those of us growing up in that time it was a very real threat to the imaginations of youth around the globe. Outside of this brief history lesson however, I wondered how the books would translate into a movie.
Our story begins on Halloween night, the year is 1968 and the Vietnam War and the upcoming presidential elections are on everyone’s mind. Stella (Zoe Colletti) and her nerd friends Chuck (Austin Zajur) and Auggie (Gabriel Rush) decide that this will be the year that they get revenge on the local bully Tommy (Austin Abrams) for all his years of stealing candy from them on Halloween. After things go predictably wrong, the young group of kids are pursued to a drive-in theater where they seek refuge in a car that is owned by another out-of-town youngster named Ramon (Michael Garza). As thanks for “saving” them from a certain beating, Stella and the group decide to take Ramon to a real-life haunted house. A place where a young Sarah Bellows would tell stories to frighten children only for them to end up dead days later. While exploring the house the young group discover the hidden room of young Sarah Bellows and come across her book of “Scary Stories”. Unable to contain her own curiosity, Stella takes the book home with her and watches as the words on the pages turn into living nightmares of their own darkest fears.
Produced by Guillermo del Toro, Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, Scary Stories takes a handful of fan favorites and weaves them into a “scary” story of their very own. Instead of simply being a collection of haunting tales, each one serves a purpose, whether it’s the “Red Dot” or “Harold”, each one is used to drive the story even further along. While at first, I was hoping that it would be a collection of short stories featuring these timeless classics, the way in which each individual story progresses the plot leads to a far more interesting experience overall.
Those looking for a movie filled with frightening tales that will have you reaching for the closest shoulder (whether you know who it belongs to or not) will be in for a bit of disappointment. That’s not to take away from the incredible amount of vision needed to bring these classic stories to life, but it takes on a far more contemporary feel, then the dark stories and supernatural visions of the books that came before it. The film comes away feeling more like Goosebumps and less like Freakshow which makes sense given its PG-13 rating and its obvious pre-teen to teen demographic. The movie is still fun however, particularly for those who fondly remember the stories from their youth and is one that will proudly sit beside the likes of Hocus Pocus when it comes to network television down the road as part of its likely Halloween line-up.
4 out of 5 stars
http://sknr.net/2019/08/08/scary-stories-to-tell-in-the-dark/
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I've read a spate of celebrity memoirs over the years and always felt a tad let down. Of late, I've read Anna Kendrick's and Carrie Fisher's latest. I enjoyed them, but they just didn't completely fit the bill for me. (Is that the phrase? I don't know. This is why I'll never get my own memoir.) But Graham's book was really fun and a step above. I know it won't be that way for everyone. And I'm not just completely swayed by my absolute love for both Lauren and her characters (both Lorelai and Sarah Braverman), because I also love Anna Kendrick, Tina Fey, etc, and didn't adore their memoirs.
Graham's book is filled with fun observations about her work over the years, particularly on Gilmore Girls. I could have read about 100,000 more of her perceptions. Some of them are so unfathomable because they counteract the completely realistic portrayal of the characters on the show. But they are insightful and intriguing. Graham reminisces about her time on the actual show -- a lot of it reinforced by going back and watching the episodes (something she does reluctantly, as she hates watching herself on film). She admits that she doesn't remember a lot about that time without the help of watching the show. I've read a lot of reviews that her insights about that time on the show are slim, and it's true, but I still found them delightful and entertaining. Since she doesn't remember much otherwise, I'd rather have these tidbits than nothing. Plus, there's more to the book than just those memories. (Still, can we all just petition Lauren Graham to keep a diary for the rest of her life going forward?)
While reading the book, it's kind of crazy to realize how much can change in eight years -- between the end of Gilmore Girls and the start of the reunion show on Netflix. Graham points that out too, in the humorous way that only she can pull off. The layout of her book works, and I liked all the pictures she interspersed throughout. She's a strong writer, and the little life lessons at the end of each chapter do not seem too forced. We hear about her childhood, her relationship with Peter Krause, and Graham's aversion to technology. What I enjoyed is that Graham comes across as both believable and appreciative of her fame (unlike some memoirs I've read lately).
Finally, Graham kept a journal during her time on the Netflix revival of Gilmore Girls, so we get a little more insight into that show. My favorites were some of the guest characters, how she had no idea about the four words controversy all these years, and her actual thoughts on those infamous four words. Overall, sure, this book is a little light. But it still spans a lot of Graham's life and I felt like a learned a decent amount about her, considering she's such a private person (something she repeatedly mentions). She's a fun and humorous woman, and I gained some insights about all the various versions of Gilmore Girls I would have never had before. I read this book in basically one day and thoroughly loved it. This book may not have the same impact on someone who isn't a Graham/Gilmore Girls/Parenthood fan, but if you are, it's a fun, quick read.
Hazel (1853 KP) rated The Hazel Wood in Books
Nov 12, 2017
“Imagine Marvel did fairy tales …” Well, I cannot because I have never seen a Marvel film but I understand the sentiment. The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert is a book where fairy tales and reality collide. However, these are not stories full of glamour and grandeur, they are the sort originally told by the Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm during the 19th Century. What begins as a fairly realistic tale rapidly spirals into chaos when characters from a book start appearing in New York, something that should be impossible.
For seventeen years, Alice and her mother, Ella, have been travelling on the roads, barely stopping in places for more than a few months. It would be nice to have a home and settle down, however, they are always chased by bad luck, causing them to flee at any moment. Alice is not sure of the cause of their misfortune but suspects it may have something to do with her reclusive grandmother who lives alone on her estate titled the Hazel Wood. Alice’s grandmother wrote Tales From the Hinterland, a book of pitch-dark fairy tales, many years ago and it has become a rare piece of literature – a collector’s item; not even Alice has read it. But when her mother goes missing under suspicious circumstances, Alice wishes she had.
Homeless without her mother, Alice seeks help from a school acquaintance, Ellery Finch, whom she knows is a fan of her grandmother’s work. Yet, before they can formulate a plan to locate her mother, the cause of her bad luck reveals itself in the form of impossible, murderous fairy-tale characters. As Alice learns more about the Hinterland, she discovers that she has been receiving glimpses of the characters all her life.
Alice is in danger, as is Ellery, but she will stop at nothing to retrieve her mother, even venturing into the Hazel Wood – a place she has been forbidden to enter. With Ellery using his father’s wealth and connections, the two make a long journey to the place they believe her mother is being held, but what Alice finds there is more dangerous and shocking than she could ever imagine.
Retellings of fairy tales have become a popular genre in recent years, particularly amongst young adult literature. The Hazel Wood, however, is only loosely based upon ideas featuring in ancient folktales; the stories themselves have been thought up by Melissa Albert with unique characters such as Twice-Killed-Catherine and Three-Times-Alice. Although it is often fun to analyse the comparisons and differences between old tales and new, it is refreshing to come across brand new fairy tales.
Initially, the book comes across as a thriller and mystery set in the real world, however, fantasy elements quickly creep in. Two-thirds of the way into the story, the setting and genre change direction, introducing a fictional world where rules of nature have gone out of the window. At this point, it becomes slightly confusing to fully visualize the situation, and the storyline begins to get darker and darker.
Children’s fairy tales always have a happy-ever-after, however, the traditional ones rarely did, therefore, it is impossible to guess how The Hazel Wood will end. This, along with humour and enchanting action, hooks the reader and, according to other reviewers, has resulted in many hours slipping away without notice.
The Hazel Wood is a unique story on the cusp of young adult and adult fiction. It is not only a good work of fiction; it is clever and well thought out, too. Melissa Albert is certainly an author to look out for, especially if you like dark mysteries and thrillers.




