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Purple Phoenix Games (2266 KP) rated 13 Monsters in Tabletop Games
Dec 5, 2019
Guys and gals, I have a confession. I am not good at memory games. I already surmised it is due to my increasing age, as my 3-year-old son tore through our plays of Farm Rescue, so I am not above resigning myself to the fact that it may be age. In any case, 13 Monsters starts out as a memory game then quickly transforms into a punish-thy-neighbor-into-oblivion monster battle game. Intrigued? We were too…
As I mentioned in the intro, and as you can see in the first photo below, 13 Monsters starts out as a memory tile-flipping game and then becomes a bash-em’-up for domination. The goal of 13 Monsters is to end the game holding the monsters with the highest total Hit Points (HP). Now how you get there is another matter entirely.
DISCLAIMER: We were provided a prototype copy of this game for the purposes of this review. These are preview copy components, and I do not know for sure if the final components will be any different from these shown. Also, it is not my intention to detail every rule in the game, as there are just too many. You are invited to download the rulebook, purchase the game through the Kickstarter campaign running until December 20, 2019, or through any retailers stocking it after fulfillment. -T
To setup 13 Monsters, a randomized 9×9 grid of monster tiles are spread across the play surface with the longer title tile placed square in the middle (see what I did there?). Place the five d6 on the table to be used by any player. Determine the first player (whomever is the most beastly) and you are ready to play!
Turns are played in phases where you will initially be hunting the playing field trying to find matching monstersets to build a complete monster. Monstersets are horizontally matching tiles belonging to the same monster. So the top set is the head, the middle is the eyes, and the bottom is the body of the monster. This phase will continue in turns until multiple players have at least one monsterset. Things now start getting interesting.
Once you have at least one monsterset you can, before hunting from the field, offer to trade monstersets with other players. You may also use an ability named “Sacrifice,” which allows you to rearrange your monstersets to create a more powerful monster. Why would you want to rearrange? Monsters come in five elemental flavors – fire, water, earth, air, and ghost. Monsters with matching elemental monstersets are more powerful than those with mismatched elemental monstersets. This will come into play later when the monsters battle for supremacy.
Battles. Once you have a complete monster (head, eyes, body) you can, on your turn and before hunting, attack another monster. When attacking, both the attacker and defender will be throwing the five dice in hopes of ending with the highest total of pips of a matching set (like five 6s on the d6). The winner will then claim a monsterset from the involved monster (or separate monsterset) and add it to their collection. Monsters with more elementally-matching sets will be able to throw the dice more times versus a completed monster with mismatched elemental sets, so THAT is why using Sacrifice can make or break a battle.
There are other special abilities that are unlocked with different combinations of monsters: “Permafrost” allows the player to place a die on a tile that other players will not be able to flip on their hunting turn. However, once a battle is initiated all Permafrost dice are removed from the board to be used in the battle, so it is not a long-term tactic to be used. “Prophet” allows the player to flip over three tiles instead of the normal two tiles and can be very powerful when used correctly – you need to have a “Monster O.G.” which is a monster with all matching tiles belonging to the same completed monster. The final ability is “Supernova” and can only be used by a completed 13th Monster (the only Ghost-element monster, shown below). Supernova allows the player to sacrifice the 13th Monster in order to absorb (steal) a complete monster from any player and add it to their personal collection. The 13th Monster then leaves the game, but the controlling player will still receive the HP points for having collected and used it.
Play continues in this fashion until all tiles have been collected from the playing field. Once the final pair is taken, players are then allowed to declare one final battle against any opponent in hopes to bolster their final score. The player with the most HP shared among their completed monsters is the winner and ultimate Beast Master!
Components. Again, we were provided a prototype copy of the game, but from what I understand, the final production copy of the game will be very similar to this version if not exactly the same. What comprises the game is a ton of monster tiles and five dice. That doesn’t sound like a lot, and it’s not. But these are great quality tiles and normal quality dice (which I am hoping will become pink to match the main color found throughout the game). I love the overall art style. The art is what really pops out at you because the monsters are all uniquely weird and intriguing and kinda cute at the same time. I also very much appreciate that the team thought to include little bubbles next to the element icon on the tiles to indicate to which layer the tile belongs: head, eyes, body. Excellent touch. Overall the components are great, and the rulebook is killer. Outstanding work went into making this game visually stunning.
Is it a good game? It is certainly a very cool spin on Memory and adds modular monster building and player vs player battles where you can win each others’ components. I love it! Even though I am horrible at memory games, this gives me options once I do find a monsterset. I can trade and attack my way to building more and better monsters – but the dice have to be on my side, and I’m cool with that. If you are looking for something to add to your collection that is a brilliant hybrid of many different mechanics and looks absolutely incredible on the table, then please check out 13 Monsters. It rewards tactics, but also has that element of luck to help balance everything out. I’m a big fan!
As I mentioned in the intro, and as you can see in the first photo below, 13 Monsters starts out as a memory tile-flipping game and then becomes a bash-em’-up for domination. The goal of 13 Monsters is to end the game holding the monsters with the highest total Hit Points (HP). Now how you get there is another matter entirely.
DISCLAIMER: We were provided a prototype copy of this game for the purposes of this review. These are preview copy components, and I do not know for sure if the final components will be any different from these shown. Also, it is not my intention to detail every rule in the game, as there are just too many. You are invited to download the rulebook, purchase the game through the Kickstarter campaign running until December 20, 2019, or through any retailers stocking it after fulfillment. -T
To setup 13 Monsters, a randomized 9×9 grid of monster tiles are spread across the play surface with the longer title tile placed square in the middle (see what I did there?). Place the five d6 on the table to be used by any player. Determine the first player (whomever is the most beastly) and you are ready to play!
Turns are played in phases where you will initially be hunting the playing field trying to find matching monstersets to build a complete monster. Monstersets are horizontally matching tiles belonging to the same monster. So the top set is the head, the middle is the eyes, and the bottom is the body of the monster. This phase will continue in turns until multiple players have at least one monsterset. Things now start getting interesting.
Once you have at least one monsterset you can, before hunting from the field, offer to trade monstersets with other players. You may also use an ability named “Sacrifice,” which allows you to rearrange your monstersets to create a more powerful monster. Why would you want to rearrange? Monsters come in five elemental flavors – fire, water, earth, air, and ghost. Monsters with matching elemental monstersets are more powerful than those with mismatched elemental monstersets. This will come into play later when the monsters battle for supremacy.
Battles. Once you have a complete monster (head, eyes, body) you can, on your turn and before hunting, attack another monster. When attacking, both the attacker and defender will be throwing the five dice in hopes of ending with the highest total of pips of a matching set (like five 6s on the d6). The winner will then claim a monsterset from the involved monster (or separate monsterset) and add it to their collection. Monsters with more elementally-matching sets will be able to throw the dice more times versus a completed monster with mismatched elemental sets, so THAT is why using Sacrifice can make or break a battle.
There are other special abilities that are unlocked with different combinations of monsters: “Permafrost” allows the player to place a die on a tile that other players will not be able to flip on their hunting turn. However, once a battle is initiated all Permafrost dice are removed from the board to be used in the battle, so it is not a long-term tactic to be used. “Prophet” allows the player to flip over three tiles instead of the normal two tiles and can be very powerful when used correctly – you need to have a “Monster O.G.” which is a monster with all matching tiles belonging to the same completed monster. The final ability is “Supernova” and can only be used by a completed 13th Monster (the only Ghost-element monster, shown below). Supernova allows the player to sacrifice the 13th Monster in order to absorb (steal) a complete monster from any player and add it to their personal collection. The 13th Monster then leaves the game, but the controlling player will still receive the HP points for having collected and used it.
Play continues in this fashion until all tiles have been collected from the playing field. Once the final pair is taken, players are then allowed to declare one final battle against any opponent in hopes to bolster their final score. The player with the most HP shared among their completed monsters is the winner and ultimate Beast Master!
Components. Again, we were provided a prototype copy of the game, but from what I understand, the final production copy of the game will be very similar to this version if not exactly the same. What comprises the game is a ton of monster tiles and five dice. That doesn’t sound like a lot, and it’s not. But these are great quality tiles and normal quality dice (which I am hoping will become pink to match the main color found throughout the game). I love the overall art style. The art is what really pops out at you because the monsters are all uniquely weird and intriguing and kinda cute at the same time. I also very much appreciate that the team thought to include little bubbles next to the element icon on the tiles to indicate to which layer the tile belongs: head, eyes, body. Excellent touch. Overall the components are great, and the rulebook is killer. Outstanding work went into making this game visually stunning.
Is it a good game? It is certainly a very cool spin on Memory and adds modular monster building and player vs player battles where you can win each others’ components. I love it! Even though I am horrible at memory games, this gives me options once I do find a monsterset. I can trade and attack my way to building more and better monsters – but the dice have to be on my side, and I’m cool with that. If you are looking for something to add to your collection that is a brilliant hybrid of many different mechanics and looks absolutely incredible on the table, then please check out 13 Monsters. It rewards tactics, but also has that element of luck to help balance everything out. I’m a big fan!
Ivana A. | Diary of Difference (1171 KP) rated The Awakening (The Vampire Diaries, #1) in Books
Feb 3, 2020
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#1 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2998210568">The Awakening</a> - ★★★★★
#2 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2998210684">The Struggle</a> - ★★★★★
<img src="https://diaryofdifference.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Book-Review-Banner-24.png"/>;
<b><i>I had The Awakening and the Struggle (the first and second books from the Vampire Diaries series) on my shelf for years.</i></b>
When I say years, I mean it. It all started when I was in high-school, around 6 years ago, and I was in love with the Vampire Diaries TV Show. When I found out there are books as well, I begged my mum to buy them for me. And once I had them, I never got to read them, because teenage logic...
I recently noticed the Vampire Diaries books sitting on my shelf, forgotten, and I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to read it in October, because of the whole spooky vibe. So there it is now - even thought the wheel didn't choose it, I did, because it deserved the attention!
Elena Gilbert is a popular girl in high-school and she always gets what she wants. Boys want to be with her, girls hate her, or want to be her best friends. And when this new boy Stefan comes into town, all mysterious, Elena wants him. But Stefan is hiding a deadly secret that Elena might now be ready for just yet. And her life, as well as the life of everyone living in Fell's Church is in grave danger... Elena finds herself between two brothers - one who came for a new life, and the other, who came for revenge...
Reading this book, while already knowing what the plot it, I thought I found find it boring. But no. I still enjoyed every single page of it, and I still devoured this book in one day.
From the first chapter, this book is intense and captures your attention. It is written in third person, but it also contains diary entries that belong to Elena and capture her deepest thoughts that she doesn't dare share with anyone else.
<b><i>I loved Elena!</i></b>
Her character is exactly what I was expected and what I have known to love - brave and fierce, and also willing to sacrifice her own happiness and safety for the people she loves the most.
Elena's friends, Meredith and Bonnie are the friends every girl needs. Funny and caring. A few pages in, and you will get to love them too.
Stefan - the mysterious new guy in school. The guy that tries to stay away from the girl he really wants because he's a danger to her. A little bit of Twilight vibes, but we can get past that. Because there is one thing that Twilight didn't have, that you can find reading The Vampire Diaries...
<b><i>DAMON</i></b>
Even though we only get a glimpse of him in this book, we can feel his presence throughout the whole book. We can feel his connection with Elena, as weird and spooky as it may be. All that danger that he carries with him, we all want to see whether there's anything good in him at all. His story is the most intriguing one, I think. His hunger for revenge makes you really understand both sides of the story and choose a side for yourself.
<b><i>So, are you team Stefan, or team Damon?</i></b>
I loved reading this - it was an amazing experience and it reminded me of my high-school days, of those innocent happy memories. My teenage life didn't include vampires, but hey - it was still awesome!
Pick the Vampire Diaries up if you love Young Adult spooky books, if you loved Twilight and if you love vampire, love and mystery stories in general.
<img src="https://diaryofdifference.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Book-Review-Banner-8.png"/>;
<b><i>The Struggle is the continuation of the Vampire Diaries Series by L.J. Smith. The second book that features the life of popular girl Elena Gilbert and her endeavors with the mysterious vampire brothers Stefan and Damon Salvatore.</i></b>
The Struggle continues where The Awakening ends; Elena is looking to talk to Damon, knowing that he has something to do with Stefan's disappearance.
I felt like there was more action in this book, compared to the first one. It made me more engrossed with the story and I was very excited for all the twists.
Elena was obviously the main character in this book, alongside Stefan and Damon. I am not sure how I felt about Elena in this book. She seemed to ignore everyone for a while and just be her selfish self - which resulted in getting people in trouble.
On the other hand, I really loved the history of Stefan and Damon. The memories from hundreds of years ago. The author manager to portray the time very well, and I was easily transported into another world, another time... I think these scenes were definitely the favourite part of this book.
I wish we saw more chapters with Bonnie and Meredith. Even though best friends, it didn't feel like they were too involved in the story. We didn't get to know them properly and it has already been two books. I really hope book three will let us meet these two characters better.
I am happy with the book in general.
The scenes, the plot, the twists - they were all very carefully put together. Elena's love choices are opening up, letting us wonder which brother she might choose. Making us choose sides (team Damon here!). This battle between the love and hate of the two brothers definitely seems interesting.
<b>The ending was everything I was hoping for and now I can't wait for the next book. The Awakening and The Struggle were only an introduction and the real adventures are yet to begin!</b>
I recommend it to all of you that love young-adult, teen romance and vampire stories. It will keep you on your toes for sure!
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#1 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2998210568">The Awakening</a> - ★★★★★
#2 <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/2998210684">The Struggle</a> - ★★★★★
<img src="https://diaryofdifference.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Book-Review-Banner-24.png"/>;
<b><i>I had The Awakening and the Struggle (the first and second books from the Vampire Diaries series) on my shelf for years.</i></b>
When I say years, I mean it. It all started when I was in high-school, around 6 years ago, and I was in love with the Vampire Diaries TV Show. When I found out there are books as well, I begged my mum to buy them for me. And once I had them, I never got to read them, because teenage logic...
I recently noticed the Vampire Diaries books sitting on my shelf, forgotten, and I thought it would be a perfect opportunity to read it in October, because of the whole spooky vibe. So there it is now - even thought the wheel didn't choose it, I did, because it deserved the attention!
Elena Gilbert is a popular girl in high-school and she always gets what she wants. Boys want to be with her, girls hate her, or want to be her best friends. And when this new boy Stefan comes into town, all mysterious, Elena wants him. But Stefan is hiding a deadly secret that Elena might now be ready for just yet. And her life, as well as the life of everyone living in Fell's Church is in grave danger... Elena finds herself between two brothers - one who came for a new life, and the other, who came for revenge...
Reading this book, while already knowing what the plot it, I thought I found find it boring. But no. I still enjoyed every single page of it, and I still devoured this book in one day.
From the first chapter, this book is intense and captures your attention. It is written in third person, but it also contains diary entries that belong to Elena and capture her deepest thoughts that she doesn't dare share with anyone else.
<b><i>I loved Elena!</i></b>
Her character is exactly what I was expected and what I have known to love - brave and fierce, and also willing to sacrifice her own happiness and safety for the people she loves the most.
Elena's friends, Meredith and Bonnie are the friends every girl needs. Funny and caring. A few pages in, and you will get to love them too.
Stefan - the mysterious new guy in school. The guy that tries to stay away from the girl he really wants because he's a danger to her. A little bit of Twilight vibes, but we can get past that. Because there is one thing that Twilight didn't have, that you can find reading The Vampire Diaries...
<b><i>DAMON</i></b>
Even though we only get a glimpse of him in this book, we can feel his presence throughout the whole book. We can feel his connection with Elena, as weird and spooky as it may be. All that danger that he carries with him, we all want to see whether there's anything good in him at all. His story is the most intriguing one, I think. His hunger for revenge makes you really understand both sides of the story and choose a side for yourself.
<b><i>So, are you team Stefan, or team Damon?</i></b>
I loved reading this - it was an amazing experience and it reminded me of my high-school days, of those innocent happy memories. My teenage life didn't include vampires, but hey - it was still awesome!
Pick the Vampire Diaries up if you love Young Adult spooky books, if you loved Twilight and if you love vampire, love and mystery stories in general.
<img src="https://diaryofdifference.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Book-Review-Banner-8.png"/>;
<b><i>The Struggle is the continuation of the Vampire Diaries Series by L.J. Smith. The second book that features the life of popular girl Elena Gilbert and her endeavors with the mysterious vampire brothers Stefan and Damon Salvatore.</i></b>
The Struggle continues where The Awakening ends; Elena is looking to talk to Damon, knowing that he has something to do with Stefan's disappearance.
I felt like there was more action in this book, compared to the first one. It made me more engrossed with the story and I was very excited for all the twists.
Elena was obviously the main character in this book, alongside Stefan and Damon. I am not sure how I felt about Elena in this book. She seemed to ignore everyone for a while and just be her selfish self - which resulted in getting people in trouble.
On the other hand, I really loved the history of Stefan and Damon. The memories from hundreds of years ago. The author manager to portray the time very well, and I was easily transported into another world, another time... I think these scenes were definitely the favourite part of this book.
I wish we saw more chapters with Bonnie and Meredith. Even though best friends, it didn't feel like they were too involved in the story. We didn't get to know them properly and it has already been two books. I really hope book three will let us meet these two characters better.
I am happy with the book in general.
The scenes, the plot, the twists - they were all very carefully put together. Elena's love choices are opening up, letting us wonder which brother she might choose. Making us choose sides (team Damon here!). This battle between the love and hate of the two brothers definitely seems interesting.
<b>The ending was everything I was hoping for and now I can't wait for the next book. The Awakening and The Struggle were only an introduction and the real adventures are yet to begin!</b>
I recommend it to all of you that love young-adult, teen romance and vampire stories. It will keep you on your toes for sure!
<a href="https://diaryofdifference.com/">Blog</a>; | <a href="https://www.facebook.com/diaryofdifference/">Facebook</a>; | <a href="https://twitter.com/DiaryDifference">Twitter</a>; | <a href="https://www.instagram.com/diaryofdifference/">Instagram</a>; | <a href="https://www.pinterest.co.uk/diaryofdifference/pins/">Pinterest</a>;
Purple Phoenix Games (2266 KP) rated Dungeon Academy in Tabletop Games
Dec 8, 2020
Roll-and-write style games have come a really long way over the past couple years. In the olden days we had Yahtzee, and that satisfied us. But then designers began dusting off that olde mechanic and breathing new life into it. While roll-and-write may never become my favorite mechanic, I am starting to appreciate the good ones more and more each time I play them. Dungeon Academy is one of these good games.
In Dungeon Academy players are taking the roles of students attempting their finals to become graduated warriors and mages in the land. They must pass their tests though, and that entails surviving through the dreaded Dungeon four times and surpassing all opponents to receive their degree.
DISCLAIMER: We were provided a copy of this game for the purposes of this review. This is a retail copy of the game, so what you see in these photos is exactly what would be received in your box. I do not intend to cover every single rule included in the rulebook, but will describe the overall game flow and major rule set so that our readers may get a sense of how the game plays. For more in depth rules, you may purchase a copy online or from your FLGS. -T
To setup a solo game of Dungeon Academy, assemble the Dungeon component per the instructions. The player is dealt a character card with a special ability and markers to track Health and Mana throughout the game. Pile the Health and Mana tokens on the table, shuffle the Loot cards into a deck, and place the Teacher pawn nearby. Grab the pad of paper and pen and you are ready to begin.
Each attempt in the Dungeon will require the 16 Base Dice to be rolled and set inside the Dungeon. It is then flipped upside down when the timer begins and the mad dash to the Exit commences. As the player marks a line through every “room” (each die is considered a “room” in the Dungeon) they create a path to be checked at the end of the round. Once the player has made it through the Dungeon satisfactorily the Teacher will check the path.
The Teacher pawn is now used to track movement in the Dungeon. As the player tracks the path they drew on the paper, the Teacher is moved through the rooms. In each room (each die face) will be one of these possible encounters: a Mana potion to refill an empty Mana space on the character card, a Health potion, a small red Blob, a small blue Ghost, a large red Colossus, or a large blue Reaper. Each small foe encountered will be overtaken by spending one Health or Mana token from the character card. Each potion will restore spent Health or Mana. Each large foe encountered will require two Health or Mana to be spent. As the Teacher follows the path set by the player, Health and Mana will be spent and replenished on the character card, and foes defeated tracked on the sheet.
Once complete, the player will add up all the points from defeated foes (1VP per foe) and any VP from special character abilities or Loot cards. Additionally, the player will choose one of the four Quests at the bottom of the sheet to score each round for extra VP. They write these numbers on the sheet and prepare for the next level. After four total levels the game ends and the total is compared to a scale in the rulebook.
Multiplayer Dungeon Academy works the exact same way except once a player exits the Dungeon, they must grab the lowest-numbered Exit card as representation of the place finished in the Dungeon (so the first one out grabs the 1 card, etc.). The other difference from solo play is that players all compare total VP at the game end to determine the winner.
Components. This game has a large scorepad of 150 double-sided sheets, a bunch of cards for Hero characters, Loot, and Exits, as well as 18 total dice, about a trillion double-sided Health/Mana tokens and an impressive cardboard Dungeon. Everything is of wonderful Matagot quality… except for the Duneon. In my copy the Dungeon does not stay together very well. I may attempt some glue to keep the parts down that need to stay down, but it is still functional and a great design. The art style across the game is cute and fun, and I like the muted bright color scheme. That feels so weird to say/type, but the colors are vibrant hues, but muted so they stay out of the way. It’s strange and I love it.
Speaking of I love it, I love this game! It is quickly becoming one of my favorite roll-and-write games, and I can play it solo. In about 15 minutes. These are all positives, and I haven’t even really touched on the gameplay. Being able to get through a light solo game in 15 minutes while having a great time throughout is an achievement, and one I would like to applaud here. I wasn’t really sure going into this if I was going to enjoy it, but it has blown me away. Trying to evaluate the best path through the Dungeon while keeping track of how the Health and Mana is always in flux gives my brain a welcomed workout that is just a breath of fresh air for me. I love the art style and the theme, and the simple but easy to understand iconography on the dice is much appreciated.
I think that if you are looking for or lacking a similar type game in your collection you should do yourself a favor and check out Dungeon Academy. It is super quick, easy to grasp and play, requires little table space, and is simply a great time alone or with your gamer friends and family. I know I am going to be tracking lots of plays with this one. I am going to have to find a place on my shelves at eye-level because I don’t want it to be overshadowed down at foot-level.
If you already enjoy roll-and-write games and want something a little different with a great theme, or you don’t have any roll-and-writes and want to check one out for the first time, or you simply cannot get enough games featuring great art about wizards in school check this one out. I recommend it.
In Dungeon Academy players are taking the roles of students attempting their finals to become graduated warriors and mages in the land. They must pass their tests though, and that entails surviving through the dreaded Dungeon four times and surpassing all opponents to receive their degree.
DISCLAIMER: We were provided a copy of this game for the purposes of this review. This is a retail copy of the game, so what you see in these photos is exactly what would be received in your box. I do not intend to cover every single rule included in the rulebook, but will describe the overall game flow and major rule set so that our readers may get a sense of how the game plays. For more in depth rules, you may purchase a copy online or from your FLGS. -T
To setup a solo game of Dungeon Academy, assemble the Dungeon component per the instructions. The player is dealt a character card with a special ability and markers to track Health and Mana throughout the game. Pile the Health and Mana tokens on the table, shuffle the Loot cards into a deck, and place the Teacher pawn nearby. Grab the pad of paper and pen and you are ready to begin.
Each attempt in the Dungeon will require the 16 Base Dice to be rolled and set inside the Dungeon. It is then flipped upside down when the timer begins and the mad dash to the Exit commences. As the player marks a line through every “room” (each die is considered a “room” in the Dungeon) they create a path to be checked at the end of the round. Once the player has made it through the Dungeon satisfactorily the Teacher will check the path.
The Teacher pawn is now used to track movement in the Dungeon. As the player tracks the path they drew on the paper, the Teacher is moved through the rooms. In each room (each die face) will be one of these possible encounters: a Mana potion to refill an empty Mana space on the character card, a Health potion, a small red Blob, a small blue Ghost, a large red Colossus, or a large blue Reaper. Each small foe encountered will be overtaken by spending one Health or Mana token from the character card. Each potion will restore spent Health or Mana. Each large foe encountered will require two Health or Mana to be spent. As the Teacher follows the path set by the player, Health and Mana will be spent and replenished on the character card, and foes defeated tracked on the sheet.
Once complete, the player will add up all the points from defeated foes (1VP per foe) and any VP from special character abilities or Loot cards. Additionally, the player will choose one of the four Quests at the bottom of the sheet to score each round for extra VP. They write these numbers on the sheet and prepare for the next level. After four total levels the game ends and the total is compared to a scale in the rulebook.
Multiplayer Dungeon Academy works the exact same way except once a player exits the Dungeon, they must grab the lowest-numbered Exit card as representation of the place finished in the Dungeon (so the first one out grabs the 1 card, etc.). The other difference from solo play is that players all compare total VP at the game end to determine the winner.
Components. This game has a large scorepad of 150 double-sided sheets, a bunch of cards for Hero characters, Loot, and Exits, as well as 18 total dice, about a trillion double-sided Health/Mana tokens and an impressive cardboard Dungeon. Everything is of wonderful Matagot quality… except for the Duneon. In my copy the Dungeon does not stay together very well. I may attempt some glue to keep the parts down that need to stay down, but it is still functional and a great design. The art style across the game is cute and fun, and I like the muted bright color scheme. That feels so weird to say/type, but the colors are vibrant hues, but muted so they stay out of the way. It’s strange and I love it.
Speaking of I love it, I love this game! It is quickly becoming one of my favorite roll-and-write games, and I can play it solo. In about 15 minutes. These are all positives, and I haven’t even really touched on the gameplay. Being able to get through a light solo game in 15 minutes while having a great time throughout is an achievement, and one I would like to applaud here. I wasn’t really sure going into this if I was going to enjoy it, but it has blown me away. Trying to evaluate the best path through the Dungeon while keeping track of how the Health and Mana is always in flux gives my brain a welcomed workout that is just a breath of fresh air for me. I love the art style and the theme, and the simple but easy to understand iconography on the dice is much appreciated.
I think that if you are looking for or lacking a similar type game in your collection you should do yourself a favor and check out Dungeon Academy. It is super quick, easy to grasp and play, requires little table space, and is simply a great time alone or with your gamer friends and family. I know I am going to be tracking lots of plays with this one. I am going to have to find a place on my shelves at eye-level because I don’t want it to be overshadowed down at foot-level.
If you already enjoy roll-and-write games and want something a little different with a great theme, or you don’t have any roll-and-writes and want to check one out for the first time, or you simply cannot get enough games featuring great art about wizards in school check this one out. I recommend it.
Purple Phoenix Games (2266 KP) rated Blue Moon City in Tabletop Games
Aug 27, 2021
Ahh Blue Moon. Delicious on a hot Summer day night. Hefeweizen is my favorite type of beer, but most places do not serve my all-time fave Hefe: Paulaner Hefe-Weizen. If you haven’t yet tried it, you must. I’m no snob or anything, so I’ll take the Blue Moon when I can’t have the Paulaner, but I wanted you all to know my tastes. So when I heard about a game that was all about a city named after a beer I enjoy (but only with an orange slice) I had to try it. Did it live up to my expectations or did it- wait, this game isn’t about beer? Why the heck did I-
Blue Moon City is a fantasy-set, hand management, set collection, city rebuilding game for two to four players. In it players are attempting to help reconstruct the war-ravaged Blue Moon City to its former glory by utilizing its citizens at crucial construction sites in order to earn crystals. It sounds weird, and it is, but read further to understand why. Oh and there are dragons that act like supervisors or teachers when they come stand by you to watch you take a test and judge you from behind the whole time.
To setup, place the Courtyard tile in the middle of the table and build the city in a 5×5 grid minus the corner tiles. Each player chooses their color and takes the mini and discs of that color. Place the dragons nearby, along with the Obelisk token, draw deck of cards, crystal chits, and dragon scale chits. Deal each player a hand of eight cards and the game may begin!
Blue Moon City is played over a series of turns, and each turn is divided into four phases: Movement, Contribution, Reset, Pass Turn. During the optional Movement phase, a player may move their pawn one to two orthagonal spaces (N/E/S/W) or use cards from their hand for their special movement powers for player pawn AND/OR dragon movement.
Next, a player may discard cards from their hand to contribute to the reconstruction of a building during this optional Contribution phase. By discarding a number of cards whose values equal or exceed the printed value on the matching-colored building tile a player will be able to place a disc upon the tile. Once the tile’s contribution spaces have been filled with discs it can be scored. To score a building tile, determine majority presence on the tile and award the Majority Bonus to that player. Any disc presence in minority will receive the Construction Bonus, including the majority winner. If a player had contributed on a tile that also was hosting a dragon mini, that player would earn a dragon scale from said dragon supervisor. Players may also make their way back to the Courtyard tile in order to donate crystals to the Obelisk. Doing so will allow the player to place one of their discs on the Obelisk itself, and the game ends when a player has placed the proper number of discs upon the Obelisk per the number of players.
When the pile of dragon scale tokens has been exhausted, players will check who currently holds the majority of scales. They will be awarded with six crystals, and any player holding three or more will receive three crystals. Turn all the dragon scales back into the supply to be earned again.
During the Reset phase a player may discard any number of cards from their hand and draw back as many cards plus two. So if a player discards zero cards from hand they would still draw two from the deck. Discarded four cards? Well redraw six.
Finally the active player will Pass Turn to the player on their left, who will complete their turn of the same four phases.
Play continues in this fashion until one player has placed the target number of discs on the Obelisk token to claim victory and dragon approval!
Components. Okay, this is a tough one because overall I love the components in the game. The dragons and player pawns are cool minis (from CMON that just makes sense). The Obelisk token is huge and I love how it looks. The art overall is really creepy, but well done, and enjoyable to behold. The player discs, though poo-pooed by other more-renowned reviewers, I find to be just fine. They are a smooth plastic in the player color and I have no problems with their quality. But speaking of colors… I agree with others that have stated the colors of some cards (or suits, if you prefer) should have been made a different color. What I mean is that the game is very greige-heavy throughout. The card suits (except the red, yellow, and blue) are a variation of the same greige that makes eyes strain to determine exactly which color they are holding. I understand that a certain aesthetic was targeted, and they certainly achieved that, but these colors do make it more difficult to play, especially for us that are starting to over-ripen with age.
Those component gripes aside, this is an incredible game. The color choices aside, I love everything about it! The movement from tile to tile, and trying to align movement with the cards in hand and keeping some back so that you can use them to move the dragon to your spot as well is just fun mental exercise. Each value 1 and 2 card has a special ability, be it movement bonuses, changing other cards’ colors, or just being straight up wild cards, and having to choose to use the cards as either the special power or for contribution values creates tons of crunchy gamer choices. Not super-crunchy. Turns won’t be mentally debated for 10 minutes, but deciding how best to use the hand of cards you hold is great.
I also very much enjoy the theme of the game, even though I was hoodwinked by the title (not really, just trying to tie it all back). I love fantasy worlds and having a unique theme is a definite plus for me. I haven’t yet thrown in the expansion tiles, but I will the next time I play. If you need a relatively quick-playing jaunt through a ravaged city, I recommend you check out Blue Moon City. Purple Phoenix Games give it a 10 / 12. It has nothing to do with beer, which would be another great theme idea – drunken dragons – but I will be holding onto this one for quite a while.
Blue Moon City is a fantasy-set, hand management, set collection, city rebuilding game for two to four players. In it players are attempting to help reconstruct the war-ravaged Blue Moon City to its former glory by utilizing its citizens at crucial construction sites in order to earn crystals. It sounds weird, and it is, but read further to understand why. Oh and there are dragons that act like supervisors or teachers when they come stand by you to watch you take a test and judge you from behind the whole time.
To setup, place the Courtyard tile in the middle of the table and build the city in a 5×5 grid minus the corner tiles. Each player chooses their color and takes the mini and discs of that color. Place the dragons nearby, along with the Obelisk token, draw deck of cards, crystal chits, and dragon scale chits. Deal each player a hand of eight cards and the game may begin!
Blue Moon City is played over a series of turns, and each turn is divided into four phases: Movement, Contribution, Reset, Pass Turn. During the optional Movement phase, a player may move their pawn one to two orthagonal spaces (N/E/S/W) or use cards from their hand for their special movement powers for player pawn AND/OR dragon movement.
Next, a player may discard cards from their hand to contribute to the reconstruction of a building during this optional Contribution phase. By discarding a number of cards whose values equal or exceed the printed value on the matching-colored building tile a player will be able to place a disc upon the tile. Once the tile’s contribution spaces have been filled with discs it can be scored. To score a building tile, determine majority presence on the tile and award the Majority Bonus to that player. Any disc presence in minority will receive the Construction Bonus, including the majority winner. If a player had contributed on a tile that also was hosting a dragon mini, that player would earn a dragon scale from said dragon supervisor. Players may also make their way back to the Courtyard tile in order to donate crystals to the Obelisk. Doing so will allow the player to place one of their discs on the Obelisk itself, and the game ends when a player has placed the proper number of discs upon the Obelisk per the number of players.
When the pile of dragon scale tokens has been exhausted, players will check who currently holds the majority of scales. They will be awarded with six crystals, and any player holding three or more will receive three crystals. Turn all the dragon scales back into the supply to be earned again.
During the Reset phase a player may discard any number of cards from their hand and draw back as many cards plus two. So if a player discards zero cards from hand they would still draw two from the deck. Discarded four cards? Well redraw six.
Finally the active player will Pass Turn to the player on their left, who will complete their turn of the same four phases.
Play continues in this fashion until one player has placed the target number of discs on the Obelisk token to claim victory and dragon approval!
Components. Okay, this is a tough one because overall I love the components in the game. The dragons and player pawns are cool minis (from CMON that just makes sense). The Obelisk token is huge and I love how it looks. The art overall is really creepy, but well done, and enjoyable to behold. The player discs, though poo-pooed by other more-renowned reviewers, I find to be just fine. They are a smooth plastic in the player color and I have no problems with their quality. But speaking of colors… I agree with others that have stated the colors of some cards (or suits, if you prefer) should have been made a different color. What I mean is that the game is very greige-heavy throughout. The card suits (except the red, yellow, and blue) are a variation of the same greige that makes eyes strain to determine exactly which color they are holding. I understand that a certain aesthetic was targeted, and they certainly achieved that, but these colors do make it more difficult to play, especially for us that are starting to over-ripen with age.
Those component gripes aside, this is an incredible game. The color choices aside, I love everything about it! The movement from tile to tile, and trying to align movement with the cards in hand and keeping some back so that you can use them to move the dragon to your spot as well is just fun mental exercise. Each value 1 and 2 card has a special ability, be it movement bonuses, changing other cards’ colors, or just being straight up wild cards, and having to choose to use the cards as either the special power or for contribution values creates tons of crunchy gamer choices. Not super-crunchy. Turns won’t be mentally debated for 10 minutes, but deciding how best to use the hand of cards you hold is great.
I also very much enjoy the theme of the game, even though I was hoodwinked by the title (not really, just trying to tie it all back). I love fantasy worlds and having a unique theme is a definite plus for me. I haven’t yet thrown in the expansion tiles, but I will the next time I play. If you need a relatively quick-playing jaunt through a ravaged city, I recommend you check out Blue Moon City. Purple Phoenix Games give it a 10 / 12. It has nothing to do with beer, which would be another great theme idea – drunken dragons – but I will be holding onto this one for quite a while.
Daniel Boyd (1066 KP) rated Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi (2017) in Movies
Dec 20, 2017 (Updated Dec 21, 2017)
Excellent performances (2 more)
Standout awesome moments
SFX
Huge plot holes (1 more)
Wasted potential
Not Your Grandpa's Star Wars
Contains spoilers, click to show
DISCLAIMER: This review will contain spoilers from the start and throughout. If you haven't seen the movie yet, then go read someone else's review and come back to mine once you have seen it.
This is a year for great controversies and Star Wars is not exempt from this rule. I get that Rian Johnson was going for something different, but damn! This movie was not what I expected. In a way, this is a good thing, as fans were left surprised at the decisions made in the movie, however not all of the surprising decisions were made for the better.
Let's go through what I did like. First off, the performances all around were brilliant, with the stand outs being Adam Driver and Mark Hamill. Adam driver plays a conflicted and tortured, yet exceedingly powerful Kylo Ren. His performance is electric throughout the movie and as an actor, his range is extremely impressive. Although this is probably my least favourite portrayal of Luke Skywalker in a Star Wars movie, it is probably my favourite performance of Mark Hamill playing the iconic character. He commits to the odd decisions that Johnson makes with integrity and grit and it is clear that he has honed his skills as an actor in the 30+ years since the original trilogy.
The special effects and CGI work in the movie was astonishing and breath-taking, the movie is a joy to look at on a visual level and the technical achievement of some of the shots featured is nothing short of incredible. There were also several moments throughout the film where I was on the edge of my seat, moments that were so cool to see unfold that I felt like a kid again watching Star Wars for the very first time.
Okay, now onto the issues I had with the movie. First off, the whole Casino planet section of the movie, you can just remove it. Ignore it, it has no bearing to the overall plot and if it wasn't included, the movie would still play out in the exact same way. The entire segment is a waste of time and the end result isn't even worth the hassle. Finn was one of my favourite character in Force Awakens, so it was good to see him get his own storyline here, but the awkward moments and lack of payoff made it such a waste of time for the audience. Rose, the new character that they introduced to be Finn's sidekick and potential love interest was god-awful. Hers was probably the single worst performance in the entire movie. The shoehorned message about animal cruelty also felt too forced and cringe-inducing and that's coming from an animal lover. The whole sequence also brought back horrible memories of the prequels, which is something that I never want to be reminded of again.
The other dumb subplot in this movie revolves around Poe and a new character played by Laura Dern called Admiral Holdo. At the start of the movie the Rebels are shocked to discover that the Empire can track them through light speed and then the slowest space chase ever ensues, with the Empire waiting until the Rebels to run out of fuel before blowing them up. In the meantime, Kylo Ren and a squad of bombers attack the rebel ship up close. During the attack, the control deck that Leia is on is blown up. Leia survives, but is incapacitated for the middle act of the movie and Admiral Holdo is put in charge. Poe asks her over and over what the plan is and she refuses to tell him, labelling him as a hothead flyboy. He eventually decides he can't just sit around and do nothing while their ship is destroyed, (this is also the catalyst for Finn and Rose going on their dumb mission to the casino planet,) and so he enacts a mutiny on Holdo. Then Leia wakes up and reveals that the plan all along was to take the escape pods to a nearby planet containing an old rebel base and attempt a last stand there. This whole mutiny could have been avoided with a simple conversation, or even a goddamn post-it note.
The other thing that bothered me was the lack of scenes showing Rey being trained by Luke. There are two brief scenes of her training and that is apparently enough to allow her to become a 'jedi.' Instead of following Finn and Rose on their pointless adventure, or Poe and his pointless mutiny, we should have spent the majority of the movie on Luke's island. I also don't know why they chose to portray Luke as such a slob. This is the guy that blew up the Death Star and spearheaded the rebellion that changed the tide of war across the entire galaxy and now he's milking weird sloth creatures for food.
I didn't hate the reveal that Rey's parents were nobodies that came from nothing, but it just makes all of the set up in Force Awakens and in the first half of this movie seem like such a waste of everyone's time. I also thought that they squandered something that could have been interesting with how they just nonchalantly killed Snoke. With the age he looked and his torn up face, this guy has clearly been around for a long time, like probably as long as Yoda or Vader, so how come we have we never seen him over the course of the previous eight films? Was he in hiding? If so, then why was he in hiding? Why did he come out of hiding after the Empire fell and why was he appointed as Supreme Leader? I guess we will never know the answer to these questions after he was unceremoniously cut in half, or maybe we will find out in a comic or a novel. Not quite the epic revelation we expected for this character.
Lastly, I want to talk about Phasma. Rian Johnson has joked that she is like this trilogy's version of Kenny from South Park at this point and frankly I think that this is a valid comparison and I don't think that it's something to joke about. Gwendoline Christie is a phenomenal actress and she is so wasted in these movies. Her Bulletproof armour was pretty cool, but even that opens a ton of plot holes: why isn't all of the Stormtrooper armour made from the same stuff? If her armour is bulletproof, then why did she go along with Finn and Han's plan to shut down the shields on Starkiller Base in The Force Awakens? Sure Finn had a blaster pointed at her head, but we know now that the bolt would have just bounced off.
Overall, there was so much wasted potential in this movie. Rey's potentially interesting heritage was wasted, Snoke's potentially interesting backstory was wasted, Phasma was wasted again. Fiin and Poe were wasted on pointless side-quests and we should have seen Rey's awesome training montage to become a master jedi. Also, with Luke's lacklustre death at the end of the film, it feels like he was wasted too. There were some great moments in the film and I feel like I have to see it again to solidify my opinions, but to be honest, I can totally see why this movie is dividing fans.
This is a year for great controversies and Star Wars is not exempt from this rule. I get that Rian Johnson was going for something different, but damn! This movie was not what I expected. In a way, this is a good thing, as fans were left surprised at the decisions made in the movie, however not all of the surprising decisions were made for the better.
Let's go through what I did like. First off, the performances all around were brilliant, with the stand outs being Adam Driver and Mark Hamill. Adam driver plays a conflicted and tortured, yet exceedingly powerful Kylo Ren. His performance is electric throughout the movie and as an actor, his range is extremely impressive. Although this is probably my least favourite portrayal of Luke Skywalker in a Star Wars movie, it is probably my favourite performance of Mark Hamill playing the iconic character. He commits to the odd decisions that Johnson makes with integrity and grit and it is clear that he has honed his skills as an actor in the 30+ years since the original trilogy.
The special effects and CGI work in the movie was astonishing and breath-taking, the movie is a joy to look at on a visual level and the technical achievement of some of the shots featured is nothing short of incredible. There were also several moments throughout the film where I was on the edge of my seat, moments that were so cool to see unfold that I felt like a kid again watching Star Wars for the very first time.
Okay, now onto the issues I had with the movie. First off, the whole Casino planet section of the movie, you can just remove it. Ignore it, it has no bearing to the overall plot and if it wasn't included, the movie would still play out in the exact same way. The entire segment is a waste of time and the end result isn't even worth the hassle. Finn was one of my favourite character in Force Awakens, so it was good to see him get his own storyline here, but the awkward moments and lack of payoff made it such a waste of time for the audience. Rose, the new character that they introduced to be Finn's sidekick and potential love interest was god-awful. Hers was probably the single worst performance in the entire movie. The shoehorned message about animal cruelty also felt too forced and cringe-inducing and that's coming from an animal lover. The whole sequence also brought back horrible memories of the prequels, which is something that I never want to be reminded of again.
The other dumb subplot in this movie revolves around Poe and a new character played by Laura Dern called Admiral Holdo. At the start of the movie the Rebels are shocked to discover that the Empire can track them through light speed and then the slowest space chase ever ensues, with the Empire waiting until the Rebels to run out of fuel before blowing them up. In the meantime, Kylo Ren and a squad of bombers attack the rebel ship up close. During the attack, the control deck that Leia is on is blown up. Leia survives, but is incapacitated for the middle act of the movie and Admiral Holdo is put in charge. Poe asks her over and over what the plan is and she refuses to tell him, labelling him as a hothead flyboy. He eventually decides he can't just sit around and do nothing while their ship is destroyed, (this is also the catalyst for Finn and Rose going on their dumb mission to the casino planet,) and so he enacts a mutiny on Holdo. Then Leia wakes up and reveals that the plan all along was to take the escape pods to a nearby planet containing an old rebel base and attempt a last stand there. This whole mutiny could have been avoided with a simple conversation, or even a goddamn post-it note.
The other thing that bothered me was the lack of scenes showing Rey being trained by Luke. There are two brief scenes of her training and that is apparently enough to allow her to become a 'jedi.' Instead of following Finn and Rose on their pointless adventure, or Poe and his pointless mutiny, we should have spent the majority of the movie on Luke's island. I also don't know why they chose to portray Luke as such a slob. This is the guy that blew up the Death Star and spearheaded the rebellion that changed the tide of war across the entire galaxy and now he's milking weird sloth creatures for food.
I didn't hate the reveal that Rey's parents were nobodies that came from nothing, but it just makes all of the set up in Force Awakens and in the first half of this movie seem like such a waste of everyone's time. I also thought that they squandered something that could have been interesting with how they just nonchalantly killed Snoke. With the age he looked and his torn up face, this guy has clearly been around for a long time, like probably as long as Yoda or Vader, so how come we have we never seen him over the course of the previous eight films? Was he in hiding? If so, then why was he in hiding? Why did he come out of hiding after the Empire fell and why was he appointed as Supreme Leader? I guess we will never know the answer to these questions after he was unceremoniously cut in half, or maybe we will find out in a comic or a novel. Not quite the epic revelation we expected for this character.
Lastly, I want to talk about Phasma. Rian Johnson has joked that she is like this trilogy's version of Kenny from South Park at this point and frankly I think that this is a valid comparison and I don't think that it's something to joke about. Gwendoline Christie is a phenomenal actress and she is so wasted in these movies. Her Bulletproof armour was pretty cool, but even that opens a ton of plot holes: why isn't all of the Stormtrooper armour made from the same stuff? If her armour is bulletproof, then why did she go along with Finn and Han's plan to shut down the shields on Starkiller Base in The Force Awakens? Sure Finn had a blaster pointed at her head, but we know now that the bolt would have just bounced off.
Overall, there was so much wasted potential in this movie. Rey's potentially interesting heritage was wasted, Snoke's potentially interesting backstory was wasted, Phasma was wasted again. Fiin and Poe were wasted on pointless side-quests and we should have seen Rey's awesome training montage to become a master jedi. Also, with Luke's lacklustre death at the end of the film, it feels like he was wasted too. There were some great moments in the film and I feel like I have to see it again to solidify my opinions, but to be honest, I can totally see why this movie is dividing fans.
Daniel Boyd (1066 KP) rated Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) in Movies
Jul 19, 2017
Some of the lighting is well implemented (1 more)
Colin Farrell
Bad CGI (2 more)
The movies 3 leads are extremely annoying
Johnny 'oooh' Depp
Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them - Or JK Rowling and the Never Ending Quest for More Money
Contains spoilers, click to show
First off, full disclosure, I have never been a fan of the Harry Potter franchise. I’ve read a few of the books and seen a few of the movies and it just isn’t my thing. Honestly, I’m not even a fan of fantasy in general, I think Lord Of The Rings is nonsense and Game Of Thrones is vastly overrated and the last Harry Potter movie I saw was the fourth one. However, I was willing to go into this movie with a clean slate and hopefully have it win me over and unfortunately it didn’t. Also this review will contain spoilers if you care about that sort of thing.
This film is a prequel to the other Harry Potter movies, this time set in America rather than Britain and telling the story of the events that led to the great wizarding war between Dumbledore and Grindlewald. The film did have potential, to see what would have essentially been WWII fought with magic could be really cool but unfortunately all we get here is setup and that actual event we want to see will probably take place 4 or 5 movies down the line. The film opens with Eddie Redmayne’s character, Newt Scamander going to New York from London to set free one of the beasts that he keeps inside his Tardis-like brief case. Then he ends up in a bank and meets a ‘Nomaj,’ which is this film’s lazy version of a ‘muggle,’ who we learn is a simple lonely guy that just wants to open his own bakery and that’s another character cliché ticked off the list. We now have the double act of the nerdy, sniveling protagonist and the overweight sympathetic sidekick. Also, for the rest of this review I will be referring to the baker character as fat bloke and this isn’t to be derogatory, but is purely because the script relies on the, ‘fat, jolly, sympathetic, pathetic loner’ stereotype and passes it off as a character arc. If the script isn’t treating the character with any respect, then why should I? So fat bloke it is then.
So the two of them of course have the exact same briefcase and after some cartoony looking CGI animals escape from Redmayne’s case in the bank the suitcases predictably get mixed up and then the fat bloke gets his bakery loan declined and returns home with Redmayne’s suitcase, then more bad CGI animals open the case and attack the fat bloke. Redmayne’s character then gets arrested by some wizarding inspector for letting the, ‘Nomaj,’ (urgh) get away after seeing the animals in the case and is taken to the New York Wizards base, I guess? Then it’s revealed that the wizarding inspector that arrested Redmayne is a bit of a shit inspector and she is trying to redeem herself in the eyes of her superiors, so in front of this high wizard council, she confiscates the case from Redmayne and opens it only to reveal a bunch of cakes inside. Yes, really… Who writes this shit? Rowling is doing to Harry Potter what Lucas did to Star Wars during the prequels at this point.
So Redmayne gets set free and he goes to fat bloke’s house to find him lying on the floor, then some more bad CGI later the inspector turns up and they take him back to her house to meet her sister? Friend? Does it matter? She ends up becoming the love interest for fat bloke. Then for no apparent reason Redmayne and fat bloke enter the case and he shows fat bloke all this crazy shit that apparently humans aren’t supposed to see and then Redmayne does some more sniveling and decides they have to sneak out of the girls’ apartment and recapture the animals that escaped in the bank and from fat bloke’s apartment. They get a couple of the beasts back then they go to central park to find Redmayne’s horny rhino and they dress fat bloke up in a leather rhino costume and use him as rape bait then they ice skate for a bit and capture the rhino. Again, really… I am not making this shit up for satirical reasons.
Then we see a real life prick Ezra Miller playing some sort of weird emo child who is beat by his mother and we see he is working with Colin Farrell to find a big bad dark spirit that is killing people around New York. Colin Farrell is definitely the best thing about the film at this point. After this a bunch of other stupid shit happens, like Ron Perlman and John Voight coming into the movie, showing a ray of potential then being totally wasted. The movie drags in the middle, but eventually after some more fat jokes, bad CGI and sniveling, all of the creatures are captured and Ezra Miller turns into a black death cloud or some such nonsense. Then he is boosting around New York, fucking up shit as he goes and so Redmayne and Farrell follow him down to the subway to stop him. Redmayne seems to be talking him down and then Farrell shows up and essentially tells him to join the dark side. Then there is a CGI wand battle and the council from earlier show up out of nowhere and kill the black cloud of death. Then Colin Farrell gets pissed off and in the best scene in the movie murders half of the council members before he gets arrested by Eddie Redmayne with some magic handcuffs.
Then the worst part in the movie takes place. It is revealed that Colin Farrell is actually Johnny Depp in disguise. I mean he is Grindlewald in disguise but the important part for me is the replacement of Colin Farrell with Johnny Depp. Now I’m not the world’s biggest Colin Farrell fan, he is great in, ‘In Bruges,’ but other than that he is pretty meh, but he was definitely the best thing that this movie had going for it and they fucking swapped him out! With fucking Johnny-‘ooh’-Depp. As if this movie wasn’t shit enough they swapped out the best thing about it for Johnny Depp, the biggest joke in Hollywood. I’m done, fuck this movie, fuck Johnny Depp, fuck JK Rowling, fuck Harry Potter, I’m out.
Okay, let’s briefly talk about the technical side of the film before I score this thing. The whole cast of this movie is phoning it in, so the acting is fine but nothing to write home about, Farrell is the best thing in this movie, but I feel that in the sequels it will just be an ‘ooh,’ off between Depp and Redmayne. The direction is okay as the movie plods along sufficiently, but the writing is wildly inconsistent and the plot as stated above is all over the place. The lighting and cinematography in one scene are fantastic, when Farrell and Miller are conversing in a dark alleyway but other than that they are pretty mundane too. The score is suitably Harry Potter like and the CGI is also to a similar standard of the Harry Potter films. The problem with that is that the CGI was ropey and of a fairly poor standard in the Harry Potter movies 10 years ago and it doesn’t seem like it has improved much since then. This movie isn’t for me, but even from an objective standpoint, based solely from a moviemaking perspective this movie is poor.
This film is a prequel to the other Harry Potter movies, this time set in America rather than Britain and telling the story of the events that led to the great wizarding war between Dumbledore and Grindlewald. The film did have potential, to see what would have essentially been WWII fought with magic could be really cool but unfortunately all we get here is setup and that actual event we want to see will probably take place 4 or 5 movies down the line. The film opens with Eddie Redmayne’s character, Newt Scamander going to New York from London to set free one of the beasts that he keeps inside his Tardis-like brief case. Then he ends up in a bank and meets a ‘Nomaj,’ which is this film’s lazy version of a ‘muggle,’ who we learn is a simple lonely guy that just wants to open his own bakery and that’s another character cliché ticked off the list. We now have the double act of the nerdy, sniveling protagonist and the overweight sympathetic sidekick. Also, for the rest of this review I will be referring to the baker character as fat bloke and this isn’t to be derogatory, but is purely because the script relies on the, ‘fat, jolly, sympathetic, pathetic loner’ stereotype and passes it off as a character arc. If the script isn’t treating the character with any respect, then why should I? So fat bloke it is then.
So the two of them of course have the exact same briefcase and after some cartoony looking CGI animals escape from Redmayne’s case in the bank the suitcases predictably get mixed up and then the fat bloke gets his bakery loan declined and returns home with Redmayne’s suitcase, then more bad CGI animals open the case and attack the fat bloke. Redmayne’s character then gets arrested by some wizarding inspector for letting the, ‘Nomaj,’ (urgh) get away after seeing the animals in the case and is taken to the New York Wizards base, I guess? Then it’s revealed that the wizarding inspector that arrested Redmayne is a bit of a shit inspector and she is trying to redeem herself in the eyes of her superiors, so in front of this high wizard council, she confiscates the case from Redmayne and opens it only to reveal a bunch of cakes inside. Yes, really… Who writes this shit? Rowling is doing to Harry Potter what Lucas did to Star Wars during the prequels at this point.
So Redmayne gets set free and he goes to fat bloke’s house to find him lying on the floor, then some more bad CGI later the inspector turns up and they take him back to her house to meet her sister? Friend? Does it matter? She ends up becoming the love interest for fat bloke. Then for no apparent reason Redmayne and fat bloke enter the case and he shows fat bloke all this crazy shit that apparently humans aren’t supposed to see and then Redmayne does some more sniveling and decides they have to sneak out of the girls’ apartment and recapture the animals that escaped in the bank and from fat bloke’s apartment. They get a couple of the beasts back then they go to central park to find Redmayne’s horny rhino and they dress fat bloke up in a leather rhino costume and use him as rape bait then they ice skate for a bit and capture the rhino. Again, really… I am not making this shit up for satirical reasons.
Then we see a real life prick Ezra Miller playing some sort of weird emo child who is beat by his mother and we see he is working with Colin Farrell to find a big bad dark spirit that is killing people around New York. Colin Farrell is definitely the best thing about the film at this point. After this a bunch of other stupid shit happens, like Ron Perlman and John Voight coming into the movie, showing a ray of potential then being totally wasted. The movie drags in the middle, but eventually after some more fat jokes, bad CGI and sniveling, all of the creatures are captured and Ezra Miller turns into a black death cloud or some such nonsense. Then he is boosting around New York, fucking up shit as he goes and so Redmayne and Farrell follow him down to the subway to stop him. Redmayne seems to be talking him down and then Farrell shows up and essentially tells him to join the dark side. Then there is a CGI wand battle and the council from earlier show up out of nowhere and kill the black cloud of death. Then Colin Farrell gets pissed off and in the best scene in the movie murders half of the council members before he gets arrested by Eddie Redmayne with some magic handcuffs.
Then the worst part in the movie takes place. It is revealed that Colin Farrell is actually Johnny Depp in disguise. I mean he is Grindlewald in disguise but the important part for me is the replacement of Colin Farrell with Johnny Depp. Now I’m not the world’s biggest Colin Farrell fan, he is great in, ‘In Bruges,’ but other than that he is pretty meh, but he was definitely the best thing that this movie had going for it and they fucking swapped him out! With fucking Johnny-‘ooh’-Depp. As if this movie wasn’t shit enough they swapped out the best thing about it for Johnny Depp, the biggest joke in Hollywood. I’m done, fuck this movie, fuck Johnny Depp, fuck JK Rowling, fuck Harry Potter, I’m out.
Okay, let’s briefly talk about the technical side of the film before I score this thing. The whole cast of this movie is phoning it in, so the acting is fine but nothing to write home about, Farrell is the best thing in this movie, but I feel that in the sequels it will just be an ‘ooh,’ off between Depp and Redmayne. The direction is okay as the movie plods along sufficiently, but the writing is wildly inconsistent and the plot as stated above is all over the place. The lighting and cinematography in one scene are fantastic, when Farrell and Miller are conversing in a dark alleyway but other than that they are pretty mundane too. The score is suitably Harry Potter like and the CGI is also to a similar standard of the Harry Potter films. The problem with that is that the CGI was ropey and of a fairly poor standard in the Harry Potter movies 10 years ago and it doesn’t seem like it has improved much since then. This movie isn’t for me, but even from an objective standpoint, based solely from a moviemaking perspective this movie is poor.
Mandy and G.D. Burkhead (26 KP) rated The Book of Kings in Books
May 20, 2018
Shelf Life – The Book of Kings Has a Few Gems and a Few Warts
Contains spoilers, click to show
Unlike other short story anthologies I could mention, this one wasn’t mostly horrible. Instead, the stories inside run the gamut from stupid to brilliant and from annoying to nothing special to fun and memorable. A little something for everyone, then.
So since I can’t review it with one blanket sentiment, let’s instead take a quick look at a handful of the 20 all-original stories inside. The following are the tales that most stood out to me during my reading, for better or worse.
“The Kiss” by Alan Dean Foster – A woman walking through a snowy city finds a frog who says he’s a prince, so she kisses him. He turns into a guy and stabs her to death.
Oh boy, we’re not off to a great start here. This story could have been told in a page or so and been an interesting twist on the old tale, but instead the author drew it out over three pages by choosing the absolute most pretentious choice of words for every damn sentence. The guy doesn’t stab the woman, his “knife describes a Gothic arc.” She doesn’t shout or whisper or ask what’s going on, she “expels a querrelous trauma.” It’s not snowing on her face, “trifles of ice as beautiful as they were capricious tickled her exposed cheeks, only to be turned into simulacra of tears as they were instantly metamorphosed by the bundled furnace of her body.”
Yes, really.
The sheer purpleness of this prose might be excused for a deliberately lofty and overwrought tale, but it absolutely does not fit a story about a girl getting shanked by a frog on the street. If the contrast between what’s happening and how it’s presented is supposed to seem absolutely ridiculous, then it’s a success. This reads more like a writing exercise for seeing how unbearably melodramatic you can tell a simple story that the author went ahead and published anyway. I only read it last night as of the time of this particular bit of review, but I still have a headache.
“Divine Right” by Nancy Holder – A king grieving for his recently passed daughter and only heir tries to figure out how to keep his legacy from dying out and eventually decides on a way to choose a successor, sealing his decision by making a pact with God.
I really liked this one, partly for the great characterization of the king via his priorities. He’s not a bastion of righteousness or a tyrannical despot. He might be a pretty decent ruler, or he might not, depending on your priorities and the angle from which you view him. Mostly he’s written to be believable for his position and time period, pride and failings and all.
But what really sealed this story for me was the ironic bent of the plot that I can’t really discuss in any more depth without spoiling it except to say that it definitely fit with the tone and left an appropriate message. So let’s just give it a thumbs up and leave it at that.
“In the Name of the King” by Judith Tarr – If you know the story of Hatshepsut, an Egyptian queen who ruled as Pharaoh, then this is an extra interesting story. It follows both Hatshepsut and her lover in the afterlife and the legacy they’re leaving behind after their deaths, in which they take a surprisingly active interest for dead people.
If you know your history, though, you know where this is going, and it’s very touching as it gets there. It’s also character-centric in a way that makes its dead cast members seem very much alive. This one’s a good contender for my favorite story in the whole anthology.
“Please to See the King” by Debra Doyle and James D. Macdonald – A small glimpse of about one evening each into the lives of two seemingly unrelated, seemingly unimportant men against the backdrop of the battles being fought over a vague and distant rebellion against a vague and distant crown.
To say more would be to spoil the story, which is short, sweet, and interesting. It gives you just enough details, and no more, that you can piece together a much deeper story with room left for speculation about who certain characters really were and what exactly just happened. I’ve spent more time thinking about how the ending may be interpreted than it took me to read it, which is a good sign of nuance done right.
“The Name of a King” by Diana L. Paxson – This’n c’n rightf’ly b’ put in w’ th’ other st’ries I woul’n’t oth’rwise b’ther t’ mention ‘cept fer th’ o’erwrought dialectic style o’ nearly all o’ th’ dialogue, whut c’n git on yer nerves right quick-like whene’er any’ne op’ns their mouths. An’ while I’m ‘ere, th’ settin’ w’s rife wi’ plen’y o’ hints at deeper d’tails whut was ne’er sufficien’ly delved into or whut impact’d th’ actu’l plot much. Felt like part o’ a fant’sy series whut I was ‘spected t’ b’ f’miliar wit’ but wasn’t, an’ whut di’n’t give me ’nuff t’ git f’miliar wit’ just fr’m this st’ry.
Oth’rwise, t’w’sn’t t’ b’d, I s’pose. Bit borin’.
“Coda: Working Stiff” by Mike Resnick and Nicholas A. DiChario – This one was just fun. Again trying not to give away any twists or revelations, this one follows a journalist interviewing a bus driver who used to be a big, famous king back in his heyday but is now content (or so he says) with his obscure life of working a simple job in the day and drinking in his spartan home at night.
Who this ex-king really is probably isn’t who you think it’s gonna be at first, but the story does still technically, and cheekily, fit in with the premise of the book overall. It reminds me very much of something Neil Gaiman might have written, or maybe Terry Pratchett if he’d decided to tackle the kingly premise from a more modern and realistic approach.
There are still 14 stories left in here, many of which are also good reads, or at least decent. In fact, looking back through it again, the only real dud that stands out to me is “The Kiss.” The weakest of what’s left are either adaptations of stories that didn’t really do it for me (“The Tale of Lady Ashburn” by John Gregory Betancourt) or weird original works that weren’t really memorable in what they set out to do (“A Parker House Roll” by Dean Wesley Smith).
Overall, The Book of Kings is a fun and interesting romp through a number of royal worlds, themes, and tones. As such, anyone who gives it a look will probably have the same general sentiment I did at the end, with a few things to like and a few to point to as examples of what doesn’t work for them. Me, I got a bit of the inspiration I was looking for and a few memorable tales out of it, so I’ll forgive the warts.
So since I can’t review it with one blanket sentiment, let’s instead take a quick look at a handful of the 20 all-original stories inside. The following are the tales that most stood out to me during my reading, for better or worse.
“The Kiss” by Alan Dean Foster – A woman walking through a snowy city finds a frog who says he’s a prince, so she kisses him. He turns into a guy and stabs her to death.
Oh boy, we’re not off to a great start here. This story could have been told in a page or so and been an interesting twist on the old tale, but instead the author drew it out over three pages by choosing the absolute most pretentious choice of words for every damn sentence. The guy doesn’t stab the woman, his “knife describes a Gothic arc.” She doesn’t shout or whisper or ask what’s going on, she “expels a querrelous trauma.” It’s not snowing on her face, “trifles of ice as beautiful as they were capricious tickled her exposed cheeks, only to be turned into simulacra of tears as they were instantly metamorphosed by the bundled furnace of her body.”
Yes, really.
The sheer purpleness of this prose might be excused for a deliberately lofty and overwrought tale, but it absolutely does not fit a story about a girl getting shanked by a frog on the street. If the contrast between what’s happening and how it’s presented is supposed to seem absolutely ridiculous, then it’s a success. This reads more like a writing exercise for seeing how unbearably melodramatic you can tell a simple story that the author went ahead and published anyway. I only read it last night as of the time of this particular bit of review, but I still have a headache.
“Divine Right” by Nancy Holder – A king grieving for his recently passed daughter and only heir tries to figure out how to keep his legacy from dying out and eventually decides on a way to choose a successor, sealing his decision by making a pact with God.
I really liked this one, partly for the great characterization of the king via his priorities. He’s not a bastion of righteousness or a tyrannical despot. He might be a pretty decent ruler, or he might not, depending on your priorities and the angle from which you view him. Mostly he’s written to be believable for his position and time period, pride and failings and all.
But what really sealed this story for me was the ironic bent of the plot that I can’t really discuss in any more depth without spoiling it except to say that it definitely fit with the tone and left an appropriate message. So let’s just give it a thumbs up and leave it at that.
“In the Name of the King” by Judith Tarr – If you know the story of Hatshepsut, an Egyptian queen who ruled as Pharaoh, then this is an extra interesting story. It follows both Hatshepsut and her lover in the afterlife and the legacy they’re leaving behind after their deaths, in which they take a surprisingly active interest for dead people.
If you know your history, though, you know where this is going, and it’s very touching as it gets there. It’s also character-centric in a way that makes its dead cast members seem very much alive. This one’s a good contender for my favorite story in the whole anthology.
“Please to See the King” by Debra Doyle and James D. Macdonald – A small glimpse of about one evening each into the lives of two seemingly unrelated, seemingly unimportant men against the backdrop of the battles being fought over a vague and distant rebellion against a vague and distant crown.
To say more would be to spoil the story, which is short, sweet, and interesting. It gives you just enough details, and no more, that you can piece together a much deeper story with room left for speculation about who certain characters really were and what exactly just happened. I’ve spent more time thinking about how the ending may be interpreted than it took me to read it, which is a good sign of nuance done right.
“The Name of a King” by Diana L. Paxson – This’n c’n rightf’ly b’ put in w’ th’ other st’ries I woul’n’t oth’rwise b’ther t’ mention ‘cept fer th’ o’erwrought dialectic style o’ nearly all o’ th’ dialogue, whut c’n git on yer nerves right quick-like whene’er any’ne op’ns their mouths. An’ while I’m ‘ere, th’ settin’ w’s rife wi’ plen’y o’ hints at deeper d’tails whut was ne’er sufficien’ly delved into or whut impact’d th’ actu’l plot much. Felt like part o’ a fant’sy series whut I was ‘spected t’ b’ f’miliar wit’ but wasn’t, an’ whut di’n’t give me ’nuff t’ git f’miliar wit’ just fr’m this st’ry.
Oth’rwise, t’w’sn’t t’ b’d, I s’pose. Bit borin’.
“Coda: Working Stiff” by Mike Resnick and Nicholas A. DiChario – This one was just fun. Again trying not to give away any twists or revelations, this one follows a journalist interviewing a bus driver who used to be a big, famous king back in his heyday but is now content (or so he says) with his obscure life of working a simple job in the day and drinking in his spartan home at night.
Who this ex-king really is probably isn’t who you think it’s gonna be at first, but the story does still technically, and cheekily, fit in with the premise of the book overall. It reminds me very much of something Neil Gaiman might have written, or maybe Terry Pratchett if he’d decided to tackle the kingly premise from a more modern and realistic approach.
There are still 14 stories left in here, many of which are also good reads, or at least decent. In fact, looking back through it again, the only real dud that stands out to me is “The Kiss.” The weakest of what’s left are either adaptations of stories that didn’t really do it for me (“The Tale of Lady Ashburn” by John Gregory Betancourt) or weird original works that weren’t really memorable in what they set out to do (“A Parker House Roll” by Dean Wesley Smith).
Overall, The Book of Kings is a fun and interesting romp through a number of royal worlds, themes, and tones. As such, anyone who gives it a look will probably have the same general sentiment I did at the end, with a few things to like and a few to point to as examples of what doesn’t work for them. Me, I got a bit of the inspiration I was looking for and a few memorable tales out of it, so I’ll forgive the warts.
graveyardgremlin (7194 KP) rated Fury of Fire (Dragonfury, #1) in Books
Feb 15, 2019
<b>NOTE:</b> I did not finish Fury of Fire. I reached page 207, out of 412, before I called it quits. My review reflects on what I read and no more, which is more than enough to be indicative to how the author creates her book.
During the course of reading, everyone comes across a book that just doesn't connect with them. That doesn't mean the book is bad or that others shouldn't read it, it just means the it isn't a good fit that particular person. This is that book for me. I had a very difficult time getting through what I read, mostly due to a bunch of little things that stood out and were what I consider oddities, especially in context to situations in the book. If I had to describe this book in one word, it'd be abrasive. The characters, the dialogue, and most importantly, the writing felt like rubbing sandpaper over a wound. Over and over again.
<b>THE BAD</b>
The constant bombardment of internalizing that both Myst and Bastian provide in this book was like a splinter under my fingernail. The more I dug, the more painful it became, and I started to dislike the book and main characters more and more as I read on. Admittedly, it was pretty easy to loathe Bastian and Myst when it became apparent that they are both boring and stupid, and I didn't find Bastian all that likeable in the first place. Call me crazy, but I just feel uneasy when a character wants to immediately jump the bones of a person he just met in horrific situation while she is frightened beyond belief. But apparently that's okay because he acknowledges his creepiness in a fit of mental self-flagellation. Sorry, but that doesn't fly with me. Maybe if that had been mentioned only once, I would have let it slide, but it keeps on like that for way too long. Apparently he's all alpha on the outside and emo on the inside. What a winning combination! Not. Myst herself starts off, uh, decent enough but then quickly becomes the nitwit I was hoping to avoid. She gets the fastest case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever come across. For all intents and purposes, Bastian kidnapped her. Sure, we the readers know it's for Myst and the baby's safety from the evil Razorbacks, but she certainly doesn't know that, therefore I found her reactions extremely unrealistic and bizarre to the situations she was in. One minute she's fighting, and by fighting I mean being stubbornly spunky, or somewhat thinking of escape, the next she's imagining wild, hot monkey sex with Bastian. I'm sorry but if some big, six-foot-six (apparently every male is 6'6 in this book, even the human cop. Obviously, if a guy is under that height, he's not really a man.), scary dude who can turn into a dragon kidnaps me, I am so not going to be thinking about how hot they are or what they're like in the sack. Yeah, uh-huh, that makes perfect sense. Oy! Anyway, they end up making out that night due to Bastian's alpha going crazy and some supernatural roofie that dragons put out to females. God, this is not romantic at all. And it's only been a few hours since they "met"! The morning after Myst is kidnapped, she wakes up naked and finds out Bastian bathed her, can you say mondo creepy? So after she dresses, she goes meandering through the Nightfury's lair, admiring his artwork and crap, then ends up in the kitchen with the rest of the freaky-tall Nightfuries. I'd be high-tailing it out of there, in fact, I would have been plotting escape long before this point. It appears she only thinks of escape once a day. While she's in the kitchen, Bastian has her sit at the table so she can eat her breakfast. He sets down a plate in front of her and as she goes to have a bite, she notices he cut her waffles into little, perfect, bite-size pieces and she's apparently overcome by this act. How weird is that?! All feminist angles aside, who cuts up someone else's food unless: A, it's for a small child, two, their arms and hands are broken, or D, they're handicapped in some way that prevents them from feeding themselves? W.T.F.? Frankly, I think it's just odd. And then she gets misty-eyed (Myst is all misty, how cute. *gag*) when he asks her to help name the baby he kidnapped. I've already doubted her sanity before but now it's gone to even more ridiculous heights by this point.
The magical Rohypnol I mentioned before creeped me the heck out. So when a dragon guy needs his energy fix, he picks out a woman, roofies her, feeds off her energy, sleeps with her, and then wipes her memory! Say what? That's too close to rape for my liking. This wasn't just the bad guys doing this, but the next book's "hero" did that to a woman in a hospital (note: she wasn't a patient, I think she was a researcher or something, I don't remember). How sweet.
The excessive swearing needed edited down. Normally I don't mind a little cursing here and there, but so much of it didn't need to be added to the dialogue or characters and showed a lack of creativity.
The "dragons" are really shape-shifting vampires. They have to feed off women, only it's energy instead of blood, they can't be out in the sun, they heal quickly, live a long time, are super-strong, amongst other attributes. If you're going to have shape-shifting dragons, don't make them so similar to other paranormal species. Differentiate them so they're unique, not a near-clone.
I didn't like the whole reading of minds thing. If it was something that happened when mated, fine, but I don't like the thought of someone just arbitrarily getting into someone else's brain whenever they want. It's a violation. Bastian did this to Myst way too often.
The characters sound a lot like each other. They don't all have individual voices so there isn't much beyond a name separating one from the other.
<b>THE GOOD</b>
The first fight scene was actually quite well-done, although it was very early on in the book so it might not hold up on a second reading. The next fight scene wasn't too bad, maybe a little confusing at times.
The other characters in the Dragonfury series have the potential to be more interesting if they can be given some individuality, but since I didn't connect with the author's writing style and don't like most of the ideas, I won't be looking for any sequels to this oh-so-romantic series. I wouldn't recommend this book, but hey, if it sounds right up your alley or you have masochistic tendencies, by all means try it out for yourself.
As a final note, I just wanted to thank <a href="http://homealone.wikia.com/wiki/Buzz_McCallister"; target="_blank">Buzz McCallister</a> for his mad counting/alphabetizing skillz in writing this review. I couldn't have done it without you, buddy.
<img src="http://kindbooksandcoronets.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/buzzmccallister1.jpg">;
During the course of reading, everyone comes across a book that just doesn't connect with them. That doesn't mean the book is bad or that others shouldn't read it, it just means the it isn't a good fit that particular person. This is that book for me. I had a very difficult time getting through what I read, mostly due to a bunch of little things that stood out and were what I consider oddities, especially in context to situations in the book. If I had to describe this book in one word, it'd be abrasive. The characters, the dialogue, and most importantly, the writing felt like rubbing sandpaper over a wound. Over and over again.
<b>THE BAD</b>
The constant bombardment of internalizing that both Myst and Bastian provide in this book was like a splinter under my fingernail. The more I dug, the more painful it became, and I started to dislike the book and main characters more and more as I read on. Admittedly, it was pretty easy to loathe Bastian and Myst when it became apparent that they are both boring and stupid, and I didn't find Bastian all that likeable in the first place. Call me crazy, but I just feel uneasy when a character wants to immediately jump the bones of a person he just met in horrific situation while she is frightened beyond belief. But apparently that's okay because he acknowledges his creepiness in a fit of mental self-flagellation. Sorry, but that doesn't fly with me. Maybe if that had been mentioned only once, I would have let it slide, but it keeps on like that for way too long. Apparently he's all alpha on the outside and emo on the inside. What a winning combination! Not. Myst herself starts off, uh, decent enough but then quickly becomes the nitwit I was hoping to avoid. She gets the fastest case of Stockholm Syndrome I've ever come across. For all intents and purposes, Bastian kidnapped her. Sure, we the readers know it's for Myst and the baby's safety from the evil Razorbacks, but she certainly doesn't know that, therefore I found her reactions extremely unrealistic and bizarre to the situations she was in. One minute she's fighting, and by fighting I mean being stubbornly spunky, or somewhat thinking of escape, the next she's imagining wild, hot monkey sex with Bastian. I'm sorry but if some big, six-foot-six (apparently every male is 6'6 in this book, even the human cop. Obviously, if a guy is under that height, he's not really a man.), scary dude who can turn into a dragon kidnaps me, I am so not going to be thinking about how hot they are or what they're like in the sack. Yeah, uh-huh, that makes perfect sense. Oy! Anyway, they end up making out that night due to Bastian's alpha going crazy and some supernatural roofie that dragons put out to females. God, this is not romantic at all. And it's only been a few hours since they "met"! The morning after Myst is kidnapped, she wakes up naked and finds out Bastian bathed her, can you say mondo creepy? So after she dresses, she goes meandering through the Nightfury's lair, admiring his artwork and crap, then ends up in the kitchen with the rest of the freaky-tall Nightfuries. I'd be high-tailing it out of there, in fact, I would have been plotting escape long before this point. It appears she only thinks of escape once a day. While she's in the kitchen, Bastian has her sit at the table so she can eat her breakfast. He sets down a plate in front of her and as she goes to have a bite, she notices he cut her waffles into little, perfect, bite-size pieces and she's apparently overcome by this act. How weird is that?! All feminist angles aside, who cuts up someone else's food unless: A, it's for a small child, two, their arms and hands are broken, or D, they're handicapped in some way that prevents them from feeding themselves? W.T.F.? Frankly, I think it's just odd. And then she gets misty-eyed (Myst is all misty, how cute. *gag*) when he asks her to help name the baby he kidnapped. I've already doubted her sanity before but now it's gone to even more ridiculous heights by this point.
The magical Rohypnol I mentioned before creeped me the heck out. So when a dragon guy needs his energy fix, he picks out a woman, roofies her, feeds off her energy, sleeps with her, and then wipes her memory! Say what? That's too close to rape for my liking. This wasn't just the bad guys doing this, but the next book's "hero" did that to a woman in a hospital (note: she wasn't a patient, I think she was a researcher or something, I don't remember). How sweet.
The excessive swearing needed edited down. Normally I don't mind a little cursing here and there, but so much of it didn't need to be added to the dialogue or characters and showed a lack of creativity.
The "dragons" are really shape-shifting vampires. They have to feed off women, only it's energy instead of blood, they can't be out in the sun, they heal quickly, live a long time, are super-strong, amongst other attributes. If you're going to have shape-shifting dragons, don't make them so similar to other paranormal species. Differentiate them so they're unique, not a near-clone.
I didn't like the whole reading of minds thing. If it was something that happened when mated, fine, but I don't like the thought of someone just arbitrarily getting into someone else's brain whenever they want. It's a violation. Bastian did this to Myst way too often.
The characters sound a lot like each other. They don't all have individual voices so there isn't much beyond a name separating one from the other.
<b>THE GOOD</b>
The first fight scene was actually quite well-done, although it was very early on in the book so it might not hold up on a second reading. The next fight scene wasn't too bad, maybe a little confusing at times.
The other characters in the Dragonfury series have the potential to be more interesting if they can be given some individuality, but since I didn't connect with the author's writing style and don't like most of the ideas, I won't be looking for any sequels to this oh-so-romantic series. I wouldn't recommend this book, but hey, if it sounds right up your alley or you have masochistic tendencies, by all means try it out for yourself.
As a final note, I just wanted to thank <a href="http://homealone.wikia.com/wiki/Buzz_McCallister"; target="_blank">Buzz McCallister</a> for his mad counting/alphabetizing skillz in writing this review. I couldn't have done it without you, buddy.
<img src="http://kindbooksandcoronets.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/buzzmccallister1.jpg">;
Bong Mines Entertainment (15 KP) rated Ella Mai by Ella Mai in Music
Jun 7, 2019 (Updated Jun 7, 2019)
Ella Mai is a talented R&B/Soul singer from London, England. Not too long ago, she released her deliciously impressive self-titled debut studio album, which uses her name as an acronym to communicate its message.
Ella Mai – “Good Bad”
‘Good Bad’ tells the story of a moody woman who’s not perfect. One day, she has a pleasant personality, and another, an attitude. If she was single, her behavior might go unnoticed, but the thing is she isn’t single.
She’s in an up-and-down relationship with a guy she desires. And oftentimes, he thinks she’s mad at him whenever she gets in one of her bad moods. Also, she knows her good side is the reason why he doesn’t get up and leave. But in a weird way, he likes her bad side.
‘Good Bad’ contains a relatable storyline, soul vocals, and a groovy neo-soul instrumentation produced by Nana Rogues.
Ella Mai – “Dangerous”
‘Dangerous’ tells the tale of a woman who’s in a loving relationship with a guy she’s deeply in love with. She cooks breakfast for him because he shows he deserves her love. But the danger comes in play when she risks it all by putting her all in their relationship, which has no guarantee.
‘Dangerous’ contains a romantic narrative, r&b/soul vocals, and a spunky Bryan-Michael Cox-produced instrumentation oozing with a poppin’ neo-dance flavor.
Ella Mai – “Sauce”
‘Sauce’ tells the tale of an attractive female with a confident, stylish nature. She’s in a new relationship with a guy who’s already head-over-heels in love with her. But the thing is they haven’t been together that long. Either he’s trippin’ or addicted to her sauce.
‘Sauce’ contains a relevant storyline, r&b/soul vocals, and bouncy instrumentation produced by Quintin Gulledge and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Whatchamacallit” feat. Chris Brown
‘Whatchamacallit’ tells a tale of a guy and a girl who’s in a secret relationship with each other. The woman has a boyfriend and the man has a girlfriend but that doesn’t stop them from committing a romantic crime. They know their sensual action is wrong, but it feels so right that they override their conscience.
‘Whatchamacallit’ contains an exciting storyline, wonderful soul vocals, and charismatic instrumentation produced by J Holt and DJ Mustard.
“Cheap Shot”
‘Cheap Shot’ tells the tale of a woman who has a dude who loves her, but she didn’t know beforehand how he felt until now. The term ‘cheap shop’ indicates that he takes advantage of her when she’s at her weakest point in life. A time when she just needs to chill instead of going through the emotions of love all over again.
‘Cheap Shots’ contains a relatable storyline, r&b soul vocals, and lush instrumentation produced by Harmony Samuels.
Ella Mai – “Shot Clock”
‘Shot Clock’ tells the tale of a woman who’s been dating a guy for five years. She thinks he’s playing games about commitment, therefore, she gives him 24-seconds to make a decision. But if the shot clock winds down to zero, he might find his babe in the arms of another man.
‘Shot Clock’ contains a relatable storyline, r&b/soul vocals, and charismatic instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Boo’d Up”
The video finds Ella and her man riding Go Karts inside an amusement area with several friends. The newly-formed couple is happy and boo’d up in public.
‘Boo’d Up’ is a contemporary love song that finds Ella reminiscing about a past lover. Although their relationship is over, she finds it hard getting over that special person who makes her heartbeat bounce abnormally.
‘Boo’d Up’ contains a relatable narrative, gorgeous soul vocals, and ear-welcoming instrumentation oozing with classic neo-soul elements. The track was produced by Larrance Dopson and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Everything” feat. John Legend
‘Everything’ tells a sweet tale of a woman who appreciates the guy she’s with. Both of them are giving their all to keep their relationship healthy. According to the woman, they have everything they want.
‘Everything’ contains a relatable storyline, soul-pop vocals, and lovely instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard, Dayyon Alexander, and Jeff Alexander.
“Own It”
‘Own It’ tells an erotic tale of a woman who’s ready to get down and dirty with her significant other. She has on a T-shirt and panties and he’s on his knees servicing her body. Fluids are dripping and they are talkin’ naughty to each other while making love all night long.
‘Own It’ contains a sexy narrative, soul vocals, and slow-grinding instrumentation produced by Kosine and Miykal Snoddy.
“Run My Mouth”
‘Run My Mouth’ tells a tale of a woman who’s in love with a guy she’s in a relationship with. She’s addicted to making love to him, and every time they make love she runs her mouth in a good way because the sex is good.
‘Run My Mouth’ contains a sexy storyline, charismatic vocals, and melodic-trap instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
“Gut Feeling” feat. H.E.R.
‘Gut Feeling’ tells the tale of a young woman; her intuition tells her that the guy she’s in love with is guilty of something. She searches his phone looking for clues of his infidelity but finds nothing. Later that day, she asks him to come clean if he’s doing something wrong such as cheating, etc.
‘Gut Feeling’ contains a relatable storyline, charming soul vocals, and lovely instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Trip”
‘Trip’ tells the tale of a woman who’s addicted to making good love with her significant other. But when she doesn’t get it, she overreacts or gets bent out of shape.
‘Trip’ contains a relatable storyline, soothing soul vocals, and piano-laden instrumentation produced by Keys and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Close”
‘Close’ tells the tale of a woman who appreciates the man she’s in love with. All day every day she thinks about him. Apparently, she’s not an easy person to be with, but somehow, his easygoingness balances her nature when they are close in each other’s arms.
‘Close’ contains a sensual storyline, charming melodies, and charismatic instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Easy”
‘Easy’ tells the tale of a woman who’s in a new relationship with a guy she desires. Apparently, he’s a little uneasy about commitment. She reassures him that he should let his guard down and not worry. Therefore, she makes it easy for him to fall in love with her.
‘Easy’ contains an evergreen narrative, soul vocals, and ear-welcoming instrumentation produced by Lido and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Naked” (Bonus Track)
‘Naked’ tells the tale of a woman who’s looking for a guy who will love her unconditionally. Someone who will look past her flaws. Someone who will say she’s beautiful even when she doesn’t look the part.
‘Naked’ contains a relatable storyline, wonderful soul vocals, and sexy instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
“Ella Mai”
Ella Mai
In conclusion, Ella Mai’s self-titled debut studio album is a wonderful work of art. We totally enjoyed listening to each song from beginning to end.
Also, her voice sets a gorgeous tone while projecting an appealing and relatable narrative mostly focused on the up-side of romantic relationships, which contributes to the album’s feel-good vibe.
Mai’s first full-length offering is deliciously impressive and solidifies the London songstress at the helm of the contemporary R&B market.
https://www.bongminesentertainment.com/ella-mai-debut-album/
Ella Mai – “Good Bad”
‘Good Bad’ tells the story of a moody woman who’s not perfect. One day, she has a pleasant personality, and another, an attitude. If she was single, her behavior might go unnoticed, but the thing is she isn’t single.
She’s in an up-and-down relationship with a guy she desires. And oftentimes, he thinks she’s mad at him whenever she gets in one of her bad moods. Also, she knows her good side is the reason why he doesn’t get up and leave. But in a weird way, he likes her bad side.
‘Good Bad’ contains a relatable storyline, soul vocals, and a groovy neo-soul instrumentation produced by Nana Rogues.
Ella Mai – “Dangerous”
‘Dangerous’ tells the tale of a woman who’s in a loving relationship with a guy she’s deeply in love with. She cooks breakfast for him because he shows he deserves her love. But the danger comes in play when she risks it all by putting her all in their relationship, which has no guarantee.
‘Dangerous’ contains a romantic narrative, r&b/soul vocals, and a spunky Bryan-Michael Cox-produced instrumentation oozing with a poppin’ neo-dance flavor.
Ella Mai – “Sauce”
‘Sauce’ tells the tale of an attractive female with a confident, stylish nature. She’s in a new relationship with a guy who’s already head-over-heels in love with her. But the thing is they haven’t been together that long. Either he’s trippin’ or addicted to her sauce.
‘Sauce’ contains a relevant storyline, r&b/soul vocals, and bouncy instrumentation produced by Quintin Gulledge and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Whatchamacallit” feat. Chris Brown
‘Whatchamacallit’ tells a tale of a guy and a girl who’s in a secret relationship with each other. The woman has a boyfriend and the man has a girlfriend but that doesn’t stop them from committing a romantic crime. They know their sensual action is wrong, but it feels so right that they override their conscience.
‘Whatchamacallit’ contains an exciting storyline, wonderful soul vocals, and charismatic instrumentation produced by J Holt and DJ Mustard.
“Cheap Shot”
‘Cheap Shot’ tells the tale of a woman who has a dude who loves her, but she didn’t know beforehand how he felt until now. The term ‘cheap shop’ indicates that he takes advantage of her when she’s at her weakest point in life. A time when she just needs to chill instead of going through the emotions of love all over again.
‘Cheap Shots’ contains a relatable storyline, r&b soul vocals, and lush instrumentation produced by Harmony Samuels.
Ella Mai – “Shot Clock”
‘Shot Clock’ tells the tale of a woman who’s been dating a guy for five years. She thinks he’s playing games about commitment, therefore, she gives him 24-seconds to make a decision. But if the shot clock winds down to zero, he might find his babe in the arms of another man.
‘Shot Clock’ contains a relatable storyline, r&b/soul vocals, and charismatic instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Boo’d Up”
The video finds Ella and her man riding Go Karts inside an amusement area with several friends. The newly-formed couple is happy and boo’d up in public.
‘Boo’d Up’ is a contemporary love song that finds Ella reminiscing about a past lover. Although their relationship is over, she finds it hard getting over that special person who makes her heartbeat bounce abnormally.
‘Boo’d Up’ contains a relatable narrative, gorgeous soul vocals, and ear-welcoming instrumentation oozing with classic neo-soul elements. The track was produced by Larrance Dopson and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Everything” feat. John Legend
‘Everything’ tells a sweet tale of a woman who appreciates the guy she’s with. Both of them are giving their all to keep their relationship healthy. According to the woman, they have everything they want.
‘Everything’ contains a relatable storyline, soul-pop vocals, and lovely instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard, Dayyon Alexander, and Jeff Alexander.
“Own It”
‘Own It’ tells an erotic tale of a woman who’s ready to get down and dirty with her significant other. She has on a T-shirt and panties and he’s on his knees servicing her body. Fluids are dripping and they are talkin’ naughty to each other while making love all night long.
‘Own It’ contains a sexy narrative, soul vocals, and slow-grinding instrumentation produced by Kosine and Miykal Snoddy.
“Run My Mouth”
‘Run My Mouth’ tells a tale of a woman who’s in love with a guy she’s in a relationship with. She’s addicted to making love to him, and every time they make love she runs her mouth in a good way because the sex is good.
‘Run My Mouth’ contains a sexy storyline, charismatic vocals, and melodic-trap instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
“Gut Feeling” feat. H.E.R.
‘Gut Feeling’ tells the tale of a young woman; her intuition tells her that the guy she’s in love with is guilty of something. She searches his phone looking for clues of his infidelity but finds nothing. Later that day, she asks him to come clean if he’s doing something wrong such as cheating, etc.
‘Gut Feeling’ contains a relatable storyline, charming soul vocals, and lovely instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Trip”
‘Trip’ tells the tale of a woman who’s addicted to making good love with her significant other. But when she doesn’t get it, she overreacts or gets bent out of shape.
‘Trip’ contains a relatable storyline, soothing soul vocals, and piano-laden instrumentation produced by Keys and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Close”
‘Close’ tells the tale of a woman who appreciates the man she’s in love with. All day every day she thinks about him. Apparently, she’s not an easy person to be with, but somehow, his easygoingness balances her nature when they are close in each other’s arms.
‘Close’ contains a sensual storyline, charming melodies, and charismatic instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Easy”
‘Easy’ tells the tale of a woman who’s in a new relationship with a guy she desires. Apparently, he’s a little uneasy about commitment. She reassures him that he should let his guard down and not worry. Therefore, she makes it easy for him to fall in love with her.
‘Easy’ contains an evergreen narrative, soul vocals, and ear-welcoming instrumentation produced by Lido and DJ Mustard.
Ella Mai – “Naked” (Bonus Track)
‘Naked’ tells the tale of a woman who’s looking for a guy who will love her unconditionally. Someone who will look past her flaws. Someone who will say she’s beautiful even when she doesn’t look the part.
‘Naked’ contains a relatable storyline, wonderful soul vocals, and sexy instrumentation produced by DJ Mustard.
“Ella Mai”
Ella Mai
In conclusion, Ella Mai’s self-titled debut studio album is a wonderful work of art. We totally enjoyed listening to each song from beginning to end.
Also, her voice sets a gorgeous tone while projecting an appealing and relatable narrative mostly focused on the up-side of romantic relationships, which contributes to the album’s feel-good vibe.
Mai’s first full-length offering is deliciously impressive and solidifies the London songstress at the helm of the contemporary R&B market.
https://www.bongminesentertainment.com/ella-mai-debut-album/
Chris Sawin (602 KP) rated Dance of the Dead (2008) in Movies
Jun 18, 2019
Jimmy Dunn (Jared Kusnitz) never seems to take anything seriously. He likes to spend more time in detention than he does in class. So it’s no surprise that Lindsey (Greyson Chadwick), the girl Jimmy was going to take to prom, decides to not go with him after realizing that Jimmy has no ambition. To make matters worse, something weird is going on in the graveyard next to the nuclear power plant in town. The dead are walking and they’re headed to the prom. The town is now in the hands of the losers who couldn’t get dates to the prom. There goes the neighborhood and here comes the pain; that is something that is certainly meant in more ways than one.
This is the type of horror film you have the urge to turn off as soon as it starts. Written by Joe Ballarini (My Little Pony: The Movie) and directed by Gregg Bishop (the “Dante the Great” segment of V/H/S Viral), Dance of the Dead is a part of the eight films that made up Ghost House Underground; horror films from all over the world chosen by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert supposedly representing a “fresh” perspective of the horror genre. The problem is that most people would seek out one of these films and then never bother with the rest because why would you torture yourself any further?
The first 20 or so minutes of the film revolve around high school melodrama and the prom. This is supposedly where you get accustomed to the film’s humor, but it’s mostly nothing more than high school kids being obnoxious and unbearable. The graveyard scene is where things get even worse. Zombies start rising from beyond the grave and decomposing hands start bursting through headstones since that makes more sense than soil. Emerging from the ground simply wasn’t enough either; these zombies explode from their graves with smoke and a loud crash. Moments later during the same sequence, there are zombies jumping several feet into the air out of the ground, landing on their feet, and running after these kids. If it sounds cool in the slightest, then this description isn’t doing this dumpster fire justice.
The zombies are all over the place in Dance of the Dead. They start off as the zombies that run similar to the zombies in Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake. Later on in the film, they stumble around and are slow like George Romero’s zombies. Even later after that, the zombies are running again while some attempt to speak, say, “Brains!” and then get in a car and drive off. Someone had pointed out that the zombies in the film who are fresh out of the ground run while older ones move slower, which only makes this turd milkshake slightly less nutty. Dance of the Dead also can’t decide what zombie films to pay homage to either. Return of the Living Dead has a massive influence, but the film clearly pays tribute to Night of the Living Dead when the kids reach a house and decide to board up all the windows and take shelter. It seems like the one consistent aspect this film has is to be inconsistent.
Did you know zombies can be held at bay solely by the power of rocking out? Three stoners in a band (a guitarist, a bassist, and a drummer) inadvertently discover that their music stops zombies in their tracks. A bit later in the film during the prom, the gymnasium is full of zombies. There’s music playing and it shows three zombies on stage playing musical instruments; a guitar, a bass, and a drum set. Fast forward a little more and the three stoners are back again playing their stoner rock and the zombies are back to being frozen during their performance. There’s no consistency when it comes to what they play or how it affects zombies.
“In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.” Do you remember this quote from Shaun of the Dead? Try to keep it in mind, especially the, “removing the head,” part. A guy gets his head torn off by a zombie and you’d think he’d be dead, but this actually turns his decapitated head into a zombie. He comes back later on; his headless corpse carrying his decapitated head around. It’s one thing to try and reinvent a genre, but when you have so many reinventions along with homage out to wazoo you’re basically throwing cow pies at a brick wall and seeing what sticks.
Zombies shouldn’t make out with each other. Vampires shouldn’t sparkle and Warm Bodies isn’t canon. Two students turn into zombies and still end up in a giant make out session after they’ve turned. The kiss turns awkward as they start chewing on each other mid-kiss. They start taking bites out of each other while they’re still sucking face. This is the scariest aspect of the film considering that maybe most of us don’t want our eyeballs chewed out of our skulls during something so intimate.
When the special effects aren’t being a complete eyesore from being so cheap and ugly, the gore in Dance of the Dead is decent. Blood splattering everywhere is pretty common throughout the film. The acting isn’t completely terrible either. It absolutely isn’t good by any means. Dance of the Dead is basically Degrassi with zombies and everything lame you’re expecting to tag along with that reference. Lucas Till (X-Men: First Class, MacGyver) has a brief cameo as one of the rockers in the film and he's probably the only cast member you'll recognize.
The jumbled mass of homage and redefining of zombie lore in Dance of the Dead throws a monkey wrench in calling the film stereotypical and cliché, but it certainly feels that way. It seems like a rejected, alternate, first draft of a film you’ve already seen rather than a film that attempts to stand on its own two legs. It may be fun for fans of campy horror films, but its originality is borderline offensive since Dance of the Dead seems to just combine everything you know about zombies or purposely does the opposite at an attempt at being a different chomp of undead horror. Unfortunately though, Dance of the Dead is too overwhelmingly absurd for its own good as its gore feels like the drunken antics of a washed up clown rather than a competent horror film.
Dance of the Dead is available to stream on Amazon Prime, YouTube, and Google Play for $1.99, Vudu for $2.99, and iTunes for $5.99. The DVD is $7.72 on Amazon while the Blu-ray (which is Region 2 only) is $25.52 from a third party seller. The DVD is $7.49 in new condition and with free shipping on eBay or $4 with $2.99 shipping pre-owned. If you enjoy terrible things, the eight disc set of all the Ghost House Underground titles are available as a boxed set on Amazon for $179.74 and on eBay for $39.99 in brand new condition and with free shipping.
This is the type of horror film you have the urge to turn off as soon as it starts. Written by Joe Ballarini (My Little Pony: The Movie) and directed by Gregg Bishop (the “Dante the Great” segment of V/H/S Viral), Dance of the Dead is a part of the eight films that made up Ghost House Underground; horror films from all over the world chosen by Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert supposedly representing a “fresh” perspective of the horror genre. The problem is that most people would seek out one of these films and then never bother with the rest because why would you torture yourself any further?
The first 20 or so minutes of the film revolve around high school melodrama and the prom. This is supposedly where you get accustomed to the film’s humor, but it’s mostly nothing more than high school kids being obnoxious and unbearable. The graveyard scene is where things get even worse. Zombies start rising from beyond the grave and decomposing hands start bursting through headstones since that makes more sense than soil. Emerging from the ground simply wasn’t enough either; these zombies explode from their graves with smoke and a loud crash. Moments later during the same sequence, there are zombies jumping several feet into the air out of the ground, landing on their feet, and running after these kids. If it sounds cool in the slightest, then this description isn’t doing this dumpster fire justice.
The zombies are all over the place in Dance of the Dead. They start off as the zombies that run similar to the zombies in Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead remake. Later on in the film, they stumble around and are slow like George Romero’s zombies. Even later after that, the zombies are running again while some attempt to speak, say, “Brains!” and then get in a car and drive off. Someone had pointed out that the zombies in the film who are fresh out of the ground run while older ones move slower, which only makes this turd milkshake slightly less nutty. Dance of the Dead also can’t decide what zombie films to pay homage to either. Return of the Living Dead has a massive influence, but the film clearly pays tribute to Night of the Living Dead when the kids reach a house and decide to board up all the windows and take shelter. It seems like the one consistent aspect this film has is to be inconsistent.
Did you know zombies can be held at bay solely by the power of rocking out? Three stoners in a band (a guitarist, a bassist, and a drummer) inadvertently discover that their music stops zombies in their tracks. A bit later in the film during the prom, the gymnasium is full of zombies. There’s music playing and it shows three zombies on stage playing musical instruments; a guitar, a bass, and a drum set. Fast forward a little more and the three stoners are back again playing their stoner rock and the zombies are back to being frozen during their performance. There’s no consistency when it comes to what they play or how it affects zombies.
“In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.” Do you remember this quote from Shaun of the Dead? Try to keep it in mind, especially the, “removing the head,” part. A guy gets his head torn off by a zombie and you’d think he’d be dead, but this actually turns his decapitated head into a zombie. He comes back later on; his headless corpse carrying his decapitated head around. It’s one thing to try and reinvent a genre, but when you have so many reinventions along with homage out to wazoo you’re basically throwing cow pies at a brick wall and seeing what sticks.
Zombies shouldn’t make out with each other. Vampires shouldn’t sparkle and Warm Bodies isn’t canon. Two students turn into zombies and still end up in a giant make out session after they’ve turned. The kiss turns awkward as they start chewing on each other mid-kiss. They start taking bites out of each other while they’re still sucking face. This is the scariest aspect of the film considering that maybe most of us don’t want our eyeballs chewed out of our skulls during something so intimate.
When the special effects aren’t being a complete eyesore from being so cheap and ugly, the gore in Dance of the Dead is decent. Blood splattering everywhere is pretty common throughout the film. The acting isn’t completely terrible either. It absolutely isn’t good by any means. Dance of the Dead is basically Degrassi with zombies and everything lame you’re expecting to tag along with that reference. Lucas Till (X-Men: First Class, MacGyver) has a brief cameo as one of the rockers in the film and he's probably the only cast member you'll recognize.
The jumbled mass of homage and redefining of zombie lore in Dance of the Dead throws a monkey wrench in calling the film stereotypical and cliché, but it certainly feels that way. It seems like a rejected, alternate, first draft of a film you’ve already seen rather than a film that attempts to stand on its own two legs. It may be fun for fans of campy horror films, but its originality is borderline offensive since Dance of the Dead seems to just combine everything you know about zombies or purposely does the opposite at an attempt at being a different chomp of undead horror. Unfortunately though, Dance of the Dead is too overwhelmingly absurd for its own good as its gore feels like the drunken antics of a washed up clown rather than a competent horror film.
Dance of the Dead is available to stream on Amazon Prime, YouTube, and Google Play for $1.99, Vudu for $2.99, and iTunes for $5.99. The DVD is $7.72 on Amazon while the Blu-ray (which is Region 2 only) is $25.52 from a third party seller. The DVD is $7.49 in new condition and with free shipping on eBay or $4 with $2.99 shipping pre-owned. If you enjoy terrible things, the eight disc set of all the Ghost House Underground titles are available as a boxed set on Amazon for $179.74 and on eBay for $39.99 in brand new condition and with free shipping.
