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Block Ness
Block Ness
2021 | Animals, Fantasy
The Loch Ness monster has been a thorn in the side of believers for so long now. We recently published a preview for a Sasquatch game, and a game featuring a werewolf. Today it’s Nessie’s turn. But this game isn’t necessarily about Nessie, but of giant water serpents vying for control over the too-small lake in which they find themselves. How did they get there? What do they eat? Will they truly come to get me if I don’t brush my teeth? I don’t know the answer to some of those questions, but here’s another: is a game about these creatures good?

Block Ness is a connections game with big chunky bits where players are taking on the mantles of ever-expanding water serpents attempting to stretch themselves out as long as possible. The winning serpent is they who either is able to stretch out furthest (by using all of their body pieces), or who is able to reach for the sun the furthest (by having the tallest head piece at game end).

DISCLAIMER: We were provided a copy of this game for the purposes of this review. This is a retail copy of the game, so what you see in these photos is exactly what would be received in your box. I do not intend to cover every single rule included in the rulebook, but will describe the overall game flow and major rule set so that our readers may get a sense of how the game plays. For more in depth rules, you may purchase a copy online or from your FLGS. -T


To setup, place the peg board on top of the insert in the box. This signifies the lake and where the game will take place. Each player chooses a color of serpent and takes all the corresponding pieces in front of them. Each serpent has a starting body piece that is shorter than all the other pieces, and must be placed first. The youngest player places their first piece on the board, within the darkest inner colors of the lake (UNlike the setup pictured below. Sometimes you just HAVE to let little ones place wherever they like to avoid ACTUAL monster spawns). The other players follow in turn order and attach the head and tail pieces to either end of the starting segments. The game is now setup and ready to begin!
On a turn, the active player will choose a body piece to add to their serpent at either the head or tail location. Players are limited to the three spaces adjacently surrounding the head and tail segments (akin to the compass markings of North, East, South, West). The new body segment then receives either the head or tail piece on its end to signify the new growth of the serpent. No body segments may be placed in a diagonal fashion, and there will come a time when serpents will need to get creative in order to place.

Should a serpent wish to expand through an existing player’s body segment, they may only do so if they are able to place said piece ABOVE the existing segment. For example, the photo below shows the orange serpent slithering above a portion of the black serpent (whose placement now looks somewhat illegal anyway). No matter where the segment is placed the head or tail piece will need to be moved to the newly-placed segment to allow for further expansion on future turns.


Play continues in this fashion until one player has the least leftover body segments without a legal placement, or controls the serpent with the tallest head among the tied players. The winner then must gloat and challenge the others to another game.
Components. This game has great 3D serpent pieces and a nice little peg board to play on. I truly love when games include the box as part of gameplay, and this uses it well. The art and colors used throughout are simply perfect (thank you for not using boring blue, red, yellow, green). The only tiny gripe I have is more of a hope than anything. I hope that upon many many plays the peg board stays nice and doesn’t deteriorate. I realize it’s a game and it’s made out of cardboard. I know many people love seeing their games age because it shows a well-loved item, but I’m not like that. I like my games to always look new. Perhaps if the peg board ever does warp or get damaged in any way I may look into having a plexi replacement made. But that aside, this is a beautiful game with excellent components, and exactly what I would expect from Blue Orange Games.

So do I like this one? Oh yes, quite a bit! Though it is not exactly the same, I believe this may kill off an old family favorite of mine – Blokus. Again, this is not a re-theme of Blokus at all, but it certainly gives me the same vibes, but in three dimensions and with much greater flair. In both games players are actively trying to block each others’ expansion progress, but Block Ness offers a smaller board and way less pieces with which to play. This creates a more tense game in a shorter time frame, and you play with serpent monsters!!

The serpents are all so much fun to handle, and while I initially though moving the head and tail pieces would get annoying after a while, I quite enjoy seeing my new serpent monster after their endpoints are reattached. Like I mentioned earlier, I very much appreciate being able to play orange, purple, black, and a yellowy-green very similar in color to our highlight color we use for our brand. Super happy about those color choices.

All in all, to say this slays Blokus is a huge thing for me. My wife and I absolutely adore Blokus, but I think I would much rather play Block Ness. I also can play this with my kids much easier and not have to worry about one of them losing the 1×1 pieces. I am certainly not alone in recommending this one. Purple Phoenix Games gives this a legendary 10 / 12. I would be surprised if this doesn’t intrigue most gamers of almost any skill and preference. There is much strategy to be employed, and an equal amount of frustration as the serpents block in other opponents. While I have no desire to try to see the actual Loch Ness monster, I will ALWAYS be up for a game of Block Ness.
  
13 Monsters Armed to the Teeth
13 Monsters Armed to the Teeth
2020 | Bluff, Dice Game, Fighting, Game Expansion, Memory
Let’s talk expansions. Some expansions are absolutely worth everything to have in with the base game, and some expansions just take up space on your shelves because either you A) love the base game so much that you can’t imagine anything adding to the experience, or B) just can’t seem to pull the trigger to try them out. What about when expansions completely change the game? And those that merely give you more of the same? And where does this expansion for 13 Monsters land? So many questions!

13 Monsters Armed to the Teeth (which I will call “the expansion” from here) is a big expansion to the successful 13 Monsters that recently fulfilled their Kickstarter campaign rewards. I was lucky enough to be able to preview OG 13 Monsters, and I suggest you take a look there before continuing on if you aren’t familiar with the base game. 13 Monsters can be summed up as, “a game of Memory where you use the pieces you’ve matched to battle your opponents.” Once you add in the expansion, though, the description takes on new veribiage, “a game of Memory where you use the pieces you matched along with enhancement items like weapons, shields, new abilities, and a new elemental species to decimate your opponents.” Intrigued?

DISCLAIMER: We were provided a prototype copy of this game for the purposes of this review. These are preview copy components, and I do not know for sure if the final components will be any different from these shown. Also, it is not my intention to detail every rule in the game, as there are just too many. You are invited to download the rulebook, back the game through the Kickstarter campaign, or through any retailers stocking it after fulfillment. -T


Setup will be the same as base 13 Monsters but with added components to lay on the table. These include a big mini (is that a thing?) of a new character named Trall, new black dice, weapon tiles, shield tiles, Metal monster tiles, and durability counters for the weapons and shields. Once all these items are added the base tile grid the game may begin!
Now, I won’t go into detail how to play base 13 Monsters, but rather give an idea of what the expansion adds. Trall is a smithy who is intrigued by new monstersets matched and added to a player’s tableau, so he will come visit that player once a match is made. On one’s turn, if Trall is visiting, he will allow the player to Forge an item (weapon, shield, or Metal monster tile) by rolling the black dice and taking a tile from the specific pile, or Steal an item from another player by winning a roll-off of the new black dice.

The new abilities given to players are numerous and include names like All Seeing Eye and Oopsie Poopsie. I will leave you to the rulebook to discover all the new abilities.

Obviously, when players attach weapons to a monster they will be able to increase their attack power, but will also have to account for hits in durability using the small counters. Similarly, durability counters are included for the shield tiles that assist in deflecting portions of attacks from opponents.


The Metal monsters are part of a new elemental species of monster and are helpful, but worth less VP at the end of the game.
Components. If you have or know of the component quality in base 13 Monsters, then you will be glad to know that the components in the expansion are just as good if not better. When I opened the box the first thing I grabbed for was the Trall mini. He’s a big guy and while the prototype version is a 3D printed mini, I have seen photos of a cardboard standee in a box (however, my money is on a resin mini of Trall as a stretch goal). The weapon, shield, and Metal monster tiles are the same quality as the base tiles so it’s a match there. The new dice are black with white print, which contrast nicely with the base game’s pink dice and white pips. All in all the production quality is great, even in the prototype!

So is this expansion good or necessary or bad or what? Well, let me state the obvious first: if you are happy with how base 13 Monsters plays, then you do not need this expansion. If you want a lot more meat from your game, then this expansion is absolutely necessary. It adds so many more layers of complexity onto a somewhat harmless base game. Yes, there is battle in the base game and stealing of monstersets, but to me it seems it hurts way more using the expansion because you can spend lots more time buffing up your monsters with the extra battle accessories and such to have them just pilfered away.

That still doesn’t answer if I think 13 Monsters Armed to the Teeth is good. Here are my negative points off first. Adding in the expansion content will most certainly add length to the gameplay as well, especially with higher play counts. Players have a ton of options available on a turn now and though some events will be triggered via dice rolls, the new abilities will adjust how players play this versus just the base. A game can now be well over two hours depending on how players play and which type of players are playing. To help combat this, the rulebook advises ways of reducing game time by 50% and I highly suggest you take that advice. I did and games are still around 90 minutes with players who know how to play.

On the positive side, though, there’s more 13 Monsters goodness in this box! And while I do not classify this as “more of the same,” I enjoy more 13 Monsters goodies. This definitely amps up the pressure for each turn and players are involved at all times. Now, I will not be using the expansion when pulling out the game with new players or when I might use 13 Monsters as a gateway game. The expansion just adds too much complexity. But, after a couple plays of the base game, go ahead. Throw it in and watch the eyes widen in anticipation.

So yes, 13 Monsters Armed to the Teeth is a great expansion to a great game. If you like 13 Monsters and want to add more complexity and options, then definitely pick up this expansion. If you missed out on backing 13 Monsters last time, maybe the team at Twisted Stranger will offer them during the next campaign for this expansion. I am quite happy to be adding this to my collection and I know it will see lots of table time for me. Good job team! Now go obliterate your friends! I mean, their monsters.
  
47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)
47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019)
2019 | Adventure, Drama, Horror
I love a good shark movie. Since as far back as I can remember, I have been fascinated by sharks. I think they’re some of the most interesting creatures on our planet. Even when I was a kid, I used to wear shark tooth necklaces because I thought they were so cool. Basically any time you’ve got sharks in a movie, I’m all in for it. Amusingly enough, that same sentiment does not apply to video games where I think they’re terrifying! (Jaws on the original Nintendo freaked-me-out as a child.) Having said all that, I was excited to see 47 Meters Down: Uncaged, even though I missed out on the original film back in 2017. Johannes Roberts, the director of the minimalistic first film, 47 Meters Down, returns for this sequel and brings back the great white sharks, but shakes up for the formula a bit by adding an underwater maze to the mix.

The sequel focuses on teenaged loner Mia (Sophie Nélisse) who has recently relocated to Mexico with her father and step-family. Her father Grant (John Corbett) scouts and maps out underwater locations for a living, and has recently discovered an ancient sunken Mayan city. With the help of his two assistants, he’s currently in the process of mapping out its maze-like design. One day, Mia joins her sister Sasha (Corinne Foxx) whose two friends, Alexa (Brianne Tju) and Nicole (Sistine Stallone), take them to a hidden local cove for a day of fun. This location turns out to be one of the entrances to the historic labyrinth that Mia’s father Grant has been exploring. Alexa, who once dated one of Grant’s assistants, had gone diving with this former boyfriend into the submerged city before. Upon finding enough extra scuba gear for all of them on a floating dock in this isolated cove, Alexa pressures her friends into joining her on a brief underwater tour that ends up being anything but.

This sunken Mayan labyrinth that the four girls go inside to explore is the setting for most of the film. They’re supposed to be following Alexa, who knows part of the maze well enough to navigate it without getting them lost, but their stubborn and defiant friend Nicole decides to venture off-course and winds up endangering them all. In the aftermath of Nicole’s senselessness, a pillar gets knocked over, creating a domino effect of destruction that causes the entrance they came in through to collapse and get sealed off. Now they’ll have to find another way out. With limited oxygen and even less light and visibility, the girls have to swim deeper into the maze to try to look for an exit.

Quickly the girls come to discover they’re not as alone in this labyrinth as they first thought, and they find themselves in the presence of great white sharks. These sharks, blind from living their whole lives in the darkness of this lost city, have their other senses heightened as a result, and they’re on the hunt for blood. The arrival of these sharks, however, opens up a big plot hole in the story. How is it that Mia’s father has never seen these deadly sharks nor made any reference to them when he’s already spent weeks, possibly even months, exploring this sunken city? I suppose it’s possible that in the collapse of the entrance, another passageway may have opened up that let the sharks in. However, that logic doesn’t hold up, because had they came in from outside, they wouldn’t be blind. These particular sharks evolved down here, so it’s hard to believe they were never noticed before, especially considering how violent and aggressive they are.

That’s far from being the only problem with these sharks, though. They also look flat out awful. The quality of their special effects in this film is simply pitiful. I’m not even exaggerating when I say they often reminded me of that infamously bad shark attack scene from Jaws 3D. They look so fake and unbelievable that instead of feeling any sense of fear when they randomly appeared, I couldn’t help but cringe. It literally looks almost as bad as the Sharknado movies, but the key difference is that unlike the intentionally campy Sharknado movies, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged is actually trying to take itself seriously. Plus it has even has double the budget to work with.

47 Meters Down: Uncaged takes a very lazy and bare-bones approach to filmmaking. The story lacks substance, the characters and dialogue lack depth, and the visuals throughout most of the film are muddied and unclear. It’s rough on the eyes because the visuals are so obscured and are shrouded in so much darkness that it’s hard to actually see what’s happening on screen. This is often exploited as a cheap tactic to create jump scares by having the sharks suddenly appear from literally out of nowhere, which seems especially hard to believe since it’s doubtful these large sharks could smoothly navigate most of these narrow passageways in the first place. Despite the restrictive maze design, the film fails to create a sense of claustrophobia, and instead just gave me a headache.
The story progression in the film mostly feels generic and expected. There are new complications that arise and circumstances that change, but it’s all pretty standard fare. The ending, however, sets up a decent scenario, but it ends up being ruined by how unrealistic it is. Besides, after wading through all of the garbage to get there, I couldn’t be bothered to care much at that point. The acting in the film is mostly poor, but truthfully they’re never given much to work with. It’s also difficult to keep track of who is who once they’re inside the maze anyway because the visuals are so muddled. The movie does feature its share of violence and death, but its light on the gore and to me it always felt unsatisfying.
In all, 47 Meters Down: Uncaged sinks right to the bottom of my rating list as the worst movie I’ve seen in 2019. It’s lazy and bland to the point of being exhausting. There’s ultimately not one single thing about it that I can sincerely commend. The only thing I’m probably going to remember this movie for is how dreadful it looks and the 90 minutes of boredom and disappointment it caused me.
  
Wonder Woman (2017)
Wonder Woman (2017)
2017 | Action, Fantasy, War
“What first attracted you Dr Mann to the movie with the scantily-clad Amazonians?”
Amazonians deliver! And how. The much anticipated new Wonder Woman movie is with us, and for once the film lives up to the wall-to-wall marketing hype.
With a heavy dose of mythology, Diana is growing up as the cossetted daughter of Hippolyta (Connie Nielsen, “Gladiator”), the Queen of the Amazons, on the hidden paradise island of Themyscira. Trained up as a warrior by Hippolyta’s sister, General Antiope (Robin Wright of “House of Cards”), Diana is clearly something special. Her ego is reinforced by the knowledge that she was made of clay with life breathed into her by the God Zeus. It’s enough to turn a girl’s head!

It’s 1917 and the man-free paradise is shaken up when an American spy by the name of Steve Trevor (Chris Pine, “Star Trek: Beyond“) crash-lands in the waters off Themyscira. (And yes… you didn’t mishear me… this film genuinely features a hero with both the names “Steve” and ‘Trevor”). Prince Eric – no, sorry, wrong film – is saved and awakened on the beach by Diana as the others arrive. “Thank God!”, say the Amazonians. “At last, someone to process the 200 year backlog of washing and ironing”!

But Steve (an “above average specimen”, LOL) is not long for paradise as he needs to return to the war with the results of his spy-work: a chemistry book stolen from the gorgeously deformed Dr Maru (Elena Anaya), gas-developer for the evil General Ludendorff (Danny Huston). Seeing Ludendorff to be her God-like nemesis Ares, Diana returns with Steve to the WW1 battlefields with the intent of killing the God of War and so ending the ‘war to end all wars’.

Much ‘fish out of water’ fun is had with Diana meeting civilised London society, although perhaps this section of the film doesn’t quite live up to its full potential: having ice cream for the first time, without any sign of surprise, all she can come up with is an amusing but rather lame “You must be very proud”.
But where the film really accelerates into awesomeness is when Diana reaches ‘The Front’. She emerges from the trenches like some shimmering vision of hotness, to set male and lesbian hearts a flutter. Its the most memorable trench-exit since the finale of “Black Adder 4”, and the subsequent scenes of Diana single-handedly facing the German guns is for me one of the most compelling and enjoyable scenes in any recent DC or Marvel movie.
Holding all this together is the ex-Israeli army-trainer Gal Gadot in the title role. And man oh man, what a Gal! Statuesque, athletic but also sweet, charming and emotionally fragile she completely owns this role from beginning to end. Gadot made a memorable entry in the otherwise poor “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” (#marthagate #neverforget #neverforgive) but nothing prepares you for just how great she is in this outing. In fact, I’ll go as far as saying that this film, although having a UK 12 certificate, is a film of immense danger to heterosexual teenagers of any age (#humor):
All boys will be cast into a lifetime of misery, never able to find a woman that can possibly live up to the impossibly perfect vision of Diana Prince, tearing up the German army with fists and whip!;
All girls WILL BECOME LESBIANS AFTER WATCHING THIS FILM!
Parents: you have been warned! 🙂
Chris Pine – the thinking women’s Chris Pratt – once again proves himself as a talented actor who manages to successfully morph to inhabit the role he plays. Much as he did in the excellent “Hell or High Water“, not once did I equate him to be James Tiberius Kirk after the first 5 minutes.

Effective in supporting roles are David Thewlis (“Harry Potter”) as a ‘helpful’ army bod and an almost unrecognisable Lucy Davis (“The Office”) as Etta, Steve’s comedic secretary. Steve’s rather unlikely sidekicks of Sameer (Said Taghmaoui, “American Hustle“), Charlie (Ewen Bremner, “Trainspotting”) and ‘The Chief’ (Eugene Brave Rock “The Revenant“) all rather fade into the woodwork by comparison.

I saw the film in 3D (“careful now… you could take an eye out with those things”) and very good it was too. Aside from some rather unnecessary Amazonian arrows, its never feels overdone, and elements of it were extremely effective.
Another star of the show is the superb Wonder Woman theme by Hans Zimmer, here rolled out by the film’s composer Rupert Gregson-Williams (“Hacksaw Ridge“). Unfortunately, the rest of the soundtrack is not particularly memorable.
The film shifts into more traditional yawn-worthy ‘superhero finale’ mode in the last twenty minutes, which is a bit of a shame. It’s also really curious that for such a sexually charged film there is an almost complete absence of ‘lurrve’ on show. The one love scene coquettishly fades to a view of the outside window. Was this to protect the film’s family friendly rating (probably) or that the director didn’t want to show her heroine in a remotely submissive position (possibly)? More frustratingly, the morning after there is no mention of it at all! (“Move along, nothing to see here”). I at least wanted some sort of recognition that a human/God liaison had taken place: Steve grimacing a bit when he sits down; or Diana on the blower to Themyscira saying “Yes, you were right Mum. 5 minutes in, and it just snapped clean off!”
I know my friend David Moody (of markanddave vblog fame, and a big DC/Marvel fan) was generally disappointed with the film. Conversely, Amy Andrews from the ever-excellent Oh That Film Blog loved it. I’m with Amy on this one, and greatly enjoyed it as a well-constructed action rollercoaster. The nearly two and a half hours sped by. By the way (and I took one for the team here) there is no “monkey” at the end of the film’s credit to hang on for.
Patty Jenkins (“Monster”) directs and knows the audience she is aiming to please. One can only imagine the empowering impact this film will have on young girls, crossing their wrists to ‘THAT’ music and, in their imagination, casting terrorists into the hell that they should be consigned to. In this week of yet more Isis atrocity in London, Wonder Woman is a role-model we could all stand and salute: “I believe in love” too.
  
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
2017 | Fantasy, Musical, Romance
Tail as old as Kline.
With the Disney marketing machine in full swing, its hard to separate the hype from the movie reality in this latest live-action remake of one of their classic animated features from 1991. If you are lucky enough to have children you will know that each child tends to have “their” Disney feature: for my second daughter (then 4) that film would be “Beauty and the Beast”. With a VHS video tape worn down to the substrate, this is a film I know every line of dialogue to (“I’m especially good at expectorating”). So seeing this movie was always going to be a wander down Nostalgia Avenue and a left turn into Emotion Crescent, regardless of how good a film it was. And so it proved.

Taking no chances with a beloved formula, most of the film is an almost exact frame-for-frame recreation of the original, with the odd diversion which, in the main, is to slot in new songs by original composer Alan Menken with Tim Rice lyrics. For, unlike “La La Land” this is a proper musical lover’s musical with songs dropping in regularly throughout the running time.
Which brings us to Emma Watson’s Belle. I’ve seen review comments that she ‘dials it in’ with a humourless and souless portrayal of the iconic bookworm. I can’t fathom what film those people were watching! I found Watson to be utterly mesmerising, confident and delightful with a fine (though possibly auto-tuned) singing voice. Her ‘Sound of Music’ moment (you’ll know the one) brought tears to my eyes. There are moments when her acting is highly reminiscent of Hermione Grainger, but this is about as crass a criticism as saying that Harrison Ford has done his “Knock it Off” snarl again.

I even felt that the somewhat dodgy bestiality/Stockholm-syndrome thing, inherent in the plot, was deftly handled by her. Curiously (and I feel guilty for even thinking this) the only part I felt slightly icky about was the age difference evident in the final kiss between Watson (now 27) and the transformed beast (sorry if this is a TERRIBLE spoiler for you!) played by Dan Stevens (“Downton Abbey”): even though with Stevens being only 35 this is only 8 years! I think the problem here is that it is still difficult for me to decouple the modern feminist woman that is Watson from the picture of the young Hermione as a schoolgirl in her first term at Hogwarts. (I know this is terrible typecasting, and definitely my bad, but that’s the way it is).
Stevens himself is fine as the cursed prince, albeit that most of his scenes are behind the CGI-created wet-rug that is the beast. Similarly, most of the supporting stars (Ewan McGregor as Lumière, Ian McKellen as Cogsworth, Emma Thompson as Mrs Potts and an almost unrecognisable Stanley Tucci as the maestro Cadenza) are similarly confined to voice parts for the majority of the film. Kevin Kline is great as the supremely huggable Maurice. But the performances that really shine though are those of Luke Evans (“The Girl on the Train“) as the odiously boorish Gaston and Josh Gad (Olaf in “Frozen”) as his hilariously adoring sidekick LeFou. Much has been made of the gay Disney angle to this element of the story, most of which is arrant homophobic nonsense since the scenes are pretty innocuous. In fact the most adventurous ‘non-heterosexual’ aspect of the film, and a scene that raises by far the biggest laugh, relates to a completely different character.

Most of the songs delivered in the film are OK without, in my view, surpassing the versions in the original. Only Dan Steven’s dramatic new song “Evermore”- as one of the few really new ‘full-length’ songs in the film – has ‘Oscar nomination’ written all over it. However, the film eschews the ‘live-filming’ approach to song production featured in recent musicals like “La La Land” and “Les Miserables”, with some degree of lip-sync evident. Whilst I understand that ‘imperfection’ is not a “Disney thing”, I found that lack of risk-taking a bit of a disappointment.

The makers of the original “Beauty and the Beast” would I’m sure have been bowled over by the quality of the special effects on show here. However, that was in 1991 and it is now 2017, when “The Jungle Book” has set the bar for CGI effects. By today’s standards, the special effects here are mediocre at best. I wondered at first if some of the dodgy green-screen work was delivered that way to make it seem more “cartoony”, but I doubt that – – why bother? More irritatingly, the animated chattels in the castle, especially the candlestick Lumière, are seriously unconvincing. Mrs Potts, the teapot, and her son Chip, the cup, are rendered as flat and two-dimensional. There should have been no shortage of money to thrown at the effects with a reported budget of $160 million. Where has the Disney magic gone?
The film also seems to be rendered primarily for a 3D showing (I saw it in 2D). I say this because some of the panning shots (notably one around the library) to me just ended up as an unimpressive blur of mediocrity. Most odd.

The director is Bill Condon responsible for the modestly well-respected but low-key “Dreamgirls” and “Mr Holmes” but also the much derided “Breaking Dawn” end to the “Twilight” series. As such this seems to have been quite a risk that Disney took with such a high profile property, and I would have been intrigued to see what a more innovative director like Chazelle or Iñárritu would have done with it.
However, despite my reservations it is bound to be a MONSTER hit in every sense of the word, and kids aged 5 to 10 will, I predict, absolutely adore it (be warned that kids under 5 may be seriously scared by some of the darker scenes, especially the two wolf-attacks). For a younger age group, I would rate it as an easy FFFFF. As an adult viewer, given that I have viewed it through the rosy tint of my nostalgia-glasses (unfortunately you cannot hire these at the cinema if you haven’t brought your own!), this was an enjoyable watch. Despite my (more than expected!) slew of criticisms above my rating is still….
  
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Nicola Jane (6 KP) created a post

May 7, 2019 (Updated May 7, 2019)  
https://thegossipingmumsite.wordpress.com
        
4DX Cinema Experience Return of Zander Cage.

According to my 6-year old son our first ever 4DX Cinema experience was epic, and he loved the water and that is simply the end of the blog…. Of course I couldn’t really write about the best ever cinema experience we both have had in one simple line; but in the eyes of a six-year old it really is that simple.

I have taken my child to the cinema on numerous occasions and each time we have visited we have barely watched any of the films. I have tried many genres from animation, comedy and action but each film has been a wasted expense, and we have spent most of the time going back and forth to the lobby or for a toilet break, and using the theatre as a gymnasium has been more entertaining than actually watching the film or sitting still for any length of time. Needless to say when I became aware of 4DX cinema I hoped that this might offer my family a new way of being able to watch a film in the cinema from start to finish; and to actually enjoy it.

So what is 4DX Cinema?

The best way I can explain this new and exciting episode of cinema is to take you through my experience, and how it proved without fail to make my fidgety 6-year old enjoy; no let me get this right; ABSOLUTELY fall in love with cinema!

Cineword in Cardiff is the host to the first ever 4DX experience in Wales after its release in England and Scotland. Originating in South Korea it has now been integrated into cinemas across the world.

Screen 7 at Cineworld in Cardiff has been specially adapted for a 4DX cinema experience and features all the multi-sensory equipment from hydraulic chairs, wind turbines, smoke machines, water, smell machines and strobes. You are greeted by a massive 4DX neon sign with a list of special precautions and warnings; it almost fools you into believing you are about to step onto the Oblivion Roller Coaster at Alton Towers; its time to ride….

We grabbed our Popcorn and made our way to the auditorium settling ourself into the special seats. I had done a little research before our visit and I began our experience by pointing out all the special adjustments to the theatre and what might happen and I could feel his excitement starting to grow. The seats in the theatre felt almost akin to a fairground attraction with special platforms for your feet, and were very wide and comfortable; much better than your average seat. As the previews began you were reminded on two occasions of some rules and guidelines that needed to be followed from not standing on the lower platform and remaining seated unless the rest room was required; was I about to watch a film in its entirety without trying to keep my child in his seat?

I had decided that we were going to get our first experience of 4DX cinema by watching the film ‘XXX Return of Xander Cage’ which is probably not everyone’s go to film but for my action mad son it seemed the perfect choice. As the starting credits began you could feel a hydraulic brake release in the chair and it began to lean ever so slightly left, right, back and forward as it followed the opening credits which were stylised in the form of a long lit bomb fuse waiting to explode. One lean-to the left ‘BANG’ a title appeared, a lean-to the right navigated by a lean back ‘BANG’ a title appeared; 4DX in 3D was definitely an experience we should have tried earlier.

As the film begins ‘Vin Diesel’ appears strangely on top of a Satellite Ariel on Ski’s which he jumps from and free falls through the air and as he lands he continues to ski down through a forest on loose ground. This is where 4DX begins to kick in as your seat begins to lean and arch following his movements. Every crash to the floor you can feel a force inside of your seat that gravitates its way into your back (It does not hurt by the way), a rumbling vibration in the seat pad heightens your senses as he goes over stones on the ground, and the wind turbines make you feel the speed as he is skiing downhill. 4DX is one of the most immersive cinema experiences I have ever had, and it gets you starting to feel like you have just been given the magic ticket from the ‘Last Action Hero’ when the young Austin O’Brien who played Danny in the film actually became part of the film in real life; was my Cineworld Cardiff ticket starting to shine….?


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I am not going to make this a review of ‘XXX Return of Xander Cage’ as this is not my intention and well there will be no spoilers here! The truth is I am going to jump to some key points where 4DX really did get our Adrenalin flowing, and for us the fight scenes really did work especially for my 6-year old son as 4DX really did feel like you were involved in the fight. Every kick you could feel a force inside your chair towards your back, every punch you could feel in the seat pad towards your legs, every shot bursts of air came flying through your hair as if the bullets were shooting passed your head. We were that immersed into the film that at one point my boy got carried away and had a mini fight with his seat as if it were one of the bad guys from XXX. Onwards into the film Xander Cage takes on a Jet Ski and as he lands onto the water bursts of water spray you in the face, and as he jumps and crashes back onto the waves a squirt of water is directed upwards and it lands onto you from above as if you had been splashed by the landing. Now I am not saying you are going to need a rain mac at this point because we are only talking water droplets and mist but it really does get you into the action of the film, and my boy absolutely loved it. Light strobes then go off as someone is crashed into a computer screen which pushes you further into the film followed by a speeding van driving across a gravel road. At this point in the film we almost jump out of our seats as something hits the back of our legs. It felt like the gravel hitting our ankles and you could feel a rumble through your seat pad as if you were experiencing every bump of the tarmac and each pot hole.

The one thing that I was left wanting more of was the ‘Smell-O-Vision’ as I wanted to smell the Chicken cooking in the kitchen at one point in the film, and well maybe that is one customer recommendation a bit too far. 4DX lives up to all expectations in both mine and my fidgety 6-year old sons books for not only was this the first film he sat through but he experienced so much more.

His words were as we came out of the film when I asked him to rate his experience out of 10 he said “No mum its 100 out of 100….”!

4DX has to be experienced and is worth every penny; your immersive experience is waiting for you don’t make it wait too long.
     
Kingdomino Origins
Kingdomino Origins
2021 | City Building, Prehistoric, Territory Building
I try very hard not to allow hype to affect my views on a game. This is why I similarly rarely consume other reviewers’ work on a game prior to me playing it. I don’t want others influencing my experiences. However, I was ultimately tempted by the Game Boy Geek, Dan King, when a video he published was titled, “Why I’ll Never Play Kingdomino Again.” I mean, with a title like that, and already having reviewed and loved OG Kingdomino, I just HAD to see what was with this new version. I have to say, he makes some great points – many with which I tend to agree. But what are those points?

Kingdomino Origins is a tile drafting and placement game set in prehistoric times for two to four players. Just like the original Kingdomino (even though this is titled Origins, which makes me chuckle) players will be drafting tiles from the offer and adding them to their village, matching terrain types to those already built. Instead of crowns to count VP, Origins has players using fire icons and tokens to multiply VP for endgame scoring. New for Origins is the ability to play three different modes: Discovery, Totem, and Tribe Mode! The player with the most VP at the end of the game wins!

DISCLAIMER: We were provided a copy of this game for the purposes of this review. This is a retail copy of the game, so what you see in these photos is exactly what would be received in your box. I do not intend to cover every single rule included in the rulebook, but will describe the overall game flow and major rule set so that our readers may get a sense of how the game plays. For more in depth rules, you may purchase a copy online or from your FLGS. -T


To setup (a two-player game playing the Tribe mode is used for this review), place the Cave Board on the table, shuffle the Caveman tiles, and deal four to the board. Separate the fire tokens and resourceeples into their piles on the table. Shuffle the main domino tiles and, as in the original, draw four, arrange them numerically, and reveal them to make the offer. Place another four domino tiles nearby, face-down, and arranged numerically. The players each choose a color, takes their starting tile with hut placed atop, and their two chiefeeples. The first player will choose to take tiles 1 and 4 or 2 and 3 from the offer by placing their chiefeeples upon them. The game is now setup for Tribe Mode and ready to begin!
On a normal turn, a player will have two steps to complete: Place a Domino, and Choose a New Domino. In a 3-4 player game, each player will have one domino to place, but in this 2 player game each player will have two dominoes to place within their 7×7 grid (a 5×5 grid with 3-4 player games). The player takes their chosen dominoes from beneath their chiefs and add them to their village grid. As in all domino-based games, the terrain (or side) of the domino must be placed adjacent to a matching terrain type in the village; the starting tile is wild and can match to any terrain type.

Once a domino is placed, if it shows icons or volcanoes, special rules are enacted. For icons showing resources, a wooden resourceeple is placed upon the icon. These come in mammoths, fish, mushrooms, and flints. In Tribe Mode, these will be used later. However, if a volcano is placed in the village, it will spew forth one to three flames, whose tokens will be placed on a domino square in the village. The volcano tile showing one active crater sends a flame soaring up to three squares away, and diagonal movement is acceptable. A volcano tile showing three active craters throws three flames (a fire token with three fire icons) one square away.

Once both tiles have been placed, the player will next Choose a New Domino (or dominoes when playing a two player game). From the now-revealed set of four new tiles in the offer, the players will choose their next tile(s) to be played during the next round, thus also creating the turn order for the next round.

After players have chosen their dominoes, and only in Tribe Mode, the final step to the turn is optional: Recruit a Caveman. Remember those resourceeples that were placed on tiles? By discarding two different resources, a player may recruit one of the face-up Caveman tiles from the board. By discarding one of each type of resource, the player may instead look through the stack of Caveman tiles and take one of their choosing. These Caveman tiles do many different things, but they primarily offer extra VP for being placed adjacent to specific resources, or by clumping together similar Cavemen in the village.


Once all the dominoes have been added to the villages, the game ends and VPs are counted for each player. The game comes with an excellent score pad to help keep track of the different ways to earn VP. The player with the most VP (“comfort points” in the game) is the winner and creates the most prosperous Caveman village!
Components. Just like previous versions of Kingdomino, these components are excellent. The domino tiles are again thick and glossy, the huts are again the 3D style, and the chiefeeples are similar in style to the kingeeples from the original. In this new version, however, new fire tokens have been added, and are fine, but they are double-sided to remind players how many squares they travel – an EXCELLENT idea. I have to also applaud these cute little resourceeples. They are so stinkin cute and look great on the villages. The art is again wonderful on everything in the box, and overall is just a great bunch of components.

What about the claim Dan King made about never playing Kingdomino again? Gosh darnit, I totally agree. By simply playing the included Discovery Mode you get all the same functionality of Kingdomino. But it doesn’t stop there. I didn’t really get into the second mode, Totem Mode, but it also uses the resourceeples to grant extra VP to the players who have collected the majority of each type. It is a great next step from Discovery, and a good setup for Tribe Mode, especially when playing with newer gamers.

So, the components are similar quality to the original version, but there are more components included, and provide three different play modes. The only thing I see that the original Kingdomino has on this version is the Age of Giants expansion. Perhaps something similar is in the works for Origins, where players can effectively negate opponents’ VPs. I’m sure giants existed in Caveman times, right?

All this said, I may be soon looking for a new home for my copy of Kingdomino and the Age of Giants expansion, as I am certainly agreeing with Dan here. I don’t think I have the interest in playing Kingdomino anymore, as long as I have Kingdomino Origins in my arsenal. Purple Phoenix Games gives this one a super-upgraded 5 / 6. The extra play modes, excellent components, and the cool volcano mechanics just elevate this superior version. If you are a fan of Kingdomino, then I highly recommend you check out Kingdomino Origins. Unless, of course, you don’t wish to be seduced away from your beloved copy of the original version. I understand, but you may be unnecessarily handicapping your collection.
  
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Gareth von Kallenbach (965 KP) rated the PlayStation 4 version of Jurassic World Evolution in Video Games

Aug 14, 2019  
Jurassic World Evolution
Jurassic World Evolution
2018 | Simulation
People are fickle creatures by nature. They say they want to experience a time when dinosaurs roamed the earth and then they suddenly abandon you when they decide your park is too dangerous. So what if a few people got eaten when my cash flow dried up and my Ceratosaurus had no choice but to break free of its enclosure and snack on a few visitors. Is that really a reason to decide my park isn’t worth visiting any longer? I think not. That is just how things are when you are trying to build a combination of zoo and theme park in Frontier Developments’ latest park simulator game Jurassic World Evolution.

As a kid I used to spend time with my older sister playing dinosaur hunter with my old View-Master and some 3D slides of dinosaurs. We’d pretend that we had gone back in time to an age where dinosaurs walked the earth. As I got older, and technology improved dramatically, I had the opportunity to experience Jurassic Park when it was first released on the big screen and my simple exploration dream turned into a dream of what it would be like to experience this in real life. While dinosaur cloning hasn’t become an actual thing…yet, Jurassic World Evolution introduces you to a world of fossil digging, dinosaur incubating and park managing.

At it’s core, Jurassic World Evolution is a theme park management sim. It’s much less complex than Frontier’s other theme park sim, Planet Coaster, and of course brings with it the main draw of “living” dinosaurs. There are three major departments that you are trying to appease as you bring your park to life, Entertainment, Science and Security. As you play through the initial campaign, you will be given tasks from each department who are all trying to further their own agendas. Entertainment is focused on adding attractions, bringing people into your parks, and ensuring your profit margin is as high as possible. Science is focused on furthering the study of the dinosaurs, ensuring their survivability and tracking down and bringing to life numerous other species from around the globe. Finally, Security is trying to ensure that should a disaster strike, the proper fail-safes are in place to minimize the impact to the visitors and the park. While satisfying all three of these factions is the best way to make money and make your park a success, the tasks you do will impact your reputation with one department as you satisfy the requests of the others. It becomes a balancing act between ensuring each faction is as loyal and happy as possible (to avoid sabotage and espionage) and making enough money to ensure your park continues to function.

You begin the game with a sizable amount of money that you use to build your park and send teams on archeological digs around the world to unearth dinosaur fossils. The teams then bring back the fossils for you to practice your dinosaur cloning skills. Successful dinosaur cloning will result in absolutely breath-takingly detailed dinosaurs being added to your park. It’s up to you to ensure that the dinosaur enclosures are well suited and comfortable for the individual species of dinosaurs that will live in them. Each dinosaur has a specific set of traits that determine its’ comfort level. Some dinosaurs need grassland to run around in, while others are social creatures that don’t do well in solitary confinement. If your dinosaur’s comfort decreases below 50% they will attempt to break free of their enclosures and find what makes them happy and sometimes snacking on fear-stricken patrons is what they seek. So, keeping their comfort levels high is one key to avoiding major catastrophes in your park. After all, a happy dinosaur is one that is less likely to attempt an escape and snack on your paying patrons.

Ensuring your guest are happy and spending money is another key to running a successful park. Adding buildings and attractions for your guests to spend money on increases the rating of your park and adds additional cash flow. You will need all the cash you can get to keep things running smoothly and to prevent “accidents” from occurring. You will also need cash flow to research building improvements, finance other archeological digs, and ultimately continue to grow your park into what you had always envisioned it could be.

Graphically Jurassic World Evolution is absolutely stunning. The dinosaur models are gorgeous, and the weather effects (particularly when it’s raining) take on a near photo-realistic quality. This is easily one of the best-looking games available in this genre. When you aren’t busy managing the park, you’ll have the opportunity to pilot a helicopter and chase down escaped dinosaurs with your handy tranquilizer gun. You will also be given tasks where you will drive a Jeep through your park to do things such as replenish feeders or take pictures of your creations. The ability to traverse your park and get up close and personal with everything you have created is a real joy. As you progress, you can also unlock additional islands for you to create parks on and each island has its own unique challenges and adventures.

No game is perfect however, and Jurassic World Evolution certainly has a few issues. One of the more annoying issues I encountered is that some quests you are given are ones that you had already completed. Instead of the game recognizing I had already completed the quest, I had to redo what had already been done for the quest to continue. In the early stages of the game when you are asked to incubate a specific expensive breed of dinosaur when you have already done so (and it will cost you more than you can really afford to spend) it can get annoying fast. Some folks might also get tired of some of the more monotonous areas of the game, as flying a helicopter to tranquilize an escaped dinosaur the first dozen times you do it is exhilarating, but after that it can start to get a little stale. Additionally, there are some tasks that simply take time to complete such as waiting for a specific type of dinosaur to finish incubating before moving on to the next phase of the mission. As stated above there are ways to help pass the time (drive a Jeep and take some pictures for example), but an option to speed up the time just a bit would have been a real benefit. All-in-all though, these are pretty minor issues I had with an overall amazing game.

The developer Frontier is known for regularly updating their other games, including free (and paid) releases. While I think this game launches with an already incredible amount of variety, I suspect that Frontier will continue to add additional content and dinosaurs to the game. Considering the game launched without mod support (and whether mods will be supported in the future is still unclear) it’s important to have a developer who will continue to update the game and keep things fresh. This is an area that I believe Frontier will do an amazing job.

Jurassic World Evolution isn’t the perfect theme park simulation, but it’s pretty darn close. If you enjoy theme park simulators but have been intimidated by others on the market, you certainly should give this game a try. If you love dinosaurs or ever dreamed of owning your own Jurassic Park someday then this game is an absolute no brainer purchase. I was excited when I got my hands on it at E3, and the final release lived up to all my expectations and more. It’s truly an incredible game in one of this generations most beloved franchises. So, jump in the Jeep and “Welcome to Jurassic Park” (cue the Jurassic Park theme song).

What I liked: Stunning graphics, Accessible theme park management, Huge variety of dinosaurs

What I liked less: Some missions needing to be repeated for no reason
  
Shadow Of The Tomb Raider
Shadow Of The Tomb Raider
2018 | Action/Adventure
It’s hard to believe that Lara Croft made her first appearance in a video game all the way back in 1996. Featuring cutting edge 3D polygon graphics and gameplay that would often be duplicated but never replicated, the game would go on to sell a whopping 7 million copies. Since that time there have been numerous sequels, culminating in a complete re-envisioning of the franchise in 2013. The new era of Lara Croft explores her origin story and how she ultimately became one of the toughest female characters to grace a PC or console screen.

Shadow of the Tomb Raider is the third installment in the reboot of the franchise. Lara is no longer a naïve, explorer in training, who struggles with the idea, much less the actual action, of killing a human being. The years have made her a more seasoned (and possibly more ruthless) tomb raider, and she has now blossomed into the badass character that she is known for. Her adventures will take her deep into Mexico and South America, where she is trying to stop the apocalypse that she had accidently set in motion when she acquired an ancient dagger. What follows is roughly a 12+ hour main story and several hours’ worth of side missions that help flesh out the story and the world around her. The best part is that the story has all the excitement and thrills you would get if you took an Indiana Jones movie and added some of the Mel Gibson drama Apocalypto, so buckle up and enjoy the ride.

Shadow of the Tomb Raider adds the social interaction that was largely missing in the previous installments. While there are still plenty of times when Lara will be out on her own, searching through ruins or trekking through the jungle, there are now several civilizations that Lara will be interacting with. Her adventures will take her to the ancient city of Paititi, where most of her interactions will be with the locals and the main antagonists to the trilogy, Trinity. It’s in the interactions where we really get to see Lara question not only her beliefs but also her actions when acquiring ancient artifacts. Many of the discussions revolve around what will happen if outsiders come and try to change their standard of living or force their own wills on the natives. These discussions cause Lara to reevaluate what she does for a living, and how her own actions have an impact far greater than she even realizes. The inclusion of so much interaction with other people brings a whole new dimension to the Tomb Raider world and it entrenches you in the story in a way that battling even the most dangerous tombs never could.

One of the most interesting levels in the game takes you back in time to when Lara was just a young girl. You get the opportunity to experience the world through the innocence of a child, and her own imagination as she explores her father’s mansion. It provides an interesting look into the events that would unfold during her impressionable years, and also helps to offer some additional insight into what drives her as an adult. It’s in this level, where you finally understand what fuels her desire and continues to push her forward.

Gameplay is largely the same as the previous titles, but they did add a few new interesting ways to traverse some of the more difficult terrain, such as the ability to rappel down cliffs or using a pick axe to traverse cave ceilings. Climbing, jumping and swinging are all handled very intuitively using the controller. Yes, there were times where I felt I was doing the right thing and fell to my death anyway, but at no time did I feel overly frustrated or blame the tight controls for my own missteps.

Swimming and diving play a far bigger role in Shadow than in the previous games. Long, deep caverns will require you to swim and find pockets of air to keep from drowning. There are even a few sequences where you will need to swim through plants to avoid the various eels and piranha that will kill you, and swimming through the plants is just as easy as it sounds. Thankfully I never felt these sequences played on for too long and they certainly added diversity to the levels. While generally swimming and diving in video games tend to be an exercise in frustration, I never felt that was the case here.

Stealth also plays a bigger role in this game and adds another key to your survival. The original 1996 game focused on your dual pistol wielding abilities to get you out of jams and in this game, you are rewarded with a subtler approach. Taking a nod from games such as Horizon Zero Dawn, you will now have plenty of opportunities for Lara to crouch in large grassy fields or cover herself in mud and hide amongst the vines and cliff walls to surprise and take down her enemies. You can now overcome many adversities utilizing only stealth, but don’t worry, if you prefer more upfront action, there are still the obligatory pistols, shotguns and machine guns you can use to dispatch foes. Stealth is just an added way to ensure that Lara saves her bullets for far bigger threats down the road.

Now for everyone’s favorite part…the tombs! What would Tomb Raider be without tombs and the challenges that come along with them? As you may have already guessed, all sorts of puzzles and booby traps await you on your journey. I found they kept a nice balance between challenging and entertaining and thankfully none of them were so obscure that you need to break out Google to overcome them. Another great addition to the game is that the player can now individually adjust the difficulty on puzzles and on combat. That means if you love combat but not the puzzles you can adjust them independently, which is something I wish far more games would take advantage of. Either way, there are plenty of challenging tombs where you can flex your tomb raiding muscles.

As your adventure progresses you will earn skill points that allow you to upgrade Lara with new abilities. There are three skill trees, each containing many different skills, where Lara can spend her points. The three trees are broken down into Seeker, Warrior and Scavenger and Lara can be upgraded when she arrives at a basecamp. A few of these upgraded skills are longer swim times, multiple stealth takedowns, and the ability to shoot two enemies simultaneously. It’s always exciting to upgrade your character and see how the gameplay changes with new your abilities. This game is no exception and the upgrades you choose can really enhance your experience.

Graphically, Lara has never looked better. I played the game on my Xbox One X in 4K and the environments were awe inspiring. The lush jungle almost jumps off the screen and the character models are some of the best I’ve seen in recent memory. Of course, all this beauty wouldn’t mean much if there were stutters and lags and thankfully I never noticed a single frame drop while playing the game in all its 4K glory. Shadow of the Tomb Raider feels like you are part of a high budget, summer blockbuster and at times it was difficult to determine the difference between a cutscene or live game play (in a “wow, this is incredible!” way). The acting was also top notch and Camilla Luddington once again does an outstanding job delivering her lines, even making some of the corniest statements endearing. Every aspect of this game is the best of the best and you will be hard pressed to find an area of the game that was lacking.

Shadow of the Tomb Raider in an amazing accomplishment and easily my favorite game of the series. I’d even go as far as saying that I enjoyed it more than Uncharted 2, which is a true testament to how much I loved this game. Not only does the story have a heart and completely engages the player but it’s thrilling and there is non-stop adventure until the very end. While this certainly could be the last game in the rebooted series, I truly hope it’s not as I already want to play another. I highly recommend picking this game up. As soon as you knock over your first pot, you will be happy that you did!

What I liked: Stunning graphics, Incredible voice acting, Blockbuster feel

What I liked less: Occasional areas where it was unclear where to go next
  
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
2014 | Action, Sci-Fi
There's a lot of good, fun, over-the-top, explosive action! (2 more)
Age of Extinction features an incredible showcase of special effects.
Great acting from Tucci and Grammar, and a solid new star for the franchise with Mark Wahlberg.
With a 2 hour and 45 minute run-time, the movie goes on far too long and loses steam before the finale. (1 more)
The plot is completely overloaded with enough content to easily cover two films.
Transformers: Age of Extinction is a fun summer movie that sticks to Michael Bay's usual mode of operation, but it's jam-packed and overly ambitious, stretching the run time far longer than it ever should.
After the events of Transformers: Dark of the Moon, referred to in the film as The Battle of Chicago, the surviving Autobots are being hunted to extinction. The United States government is bent on exterminating all Transformers, good and bad, believing them to be an unwelcome global threat. All the while, the hypocritical government has simultaneously partnered with a wealthy inventor who is trying to create his own superior, man-made variations of Transformers. Furthermore, they’re working with the help of the Transformer bounty hunter Lockdown to search out and annihilate Optimus Prime, the famed leader of the Autobots. Prime has been forced into hiding and has sent out a distress call encouraging his comrades to follow suit. When amateur inventor Cade Yeager inadvertently stumbles upon a disguised Optimus Prime, he helps to repair the damaged Transformer who must reunite with his remaining allies to fight for their right to live.

Before I dive into this review, I think I should inform you that I have not seen any of the previous Transformers movies. I should also note that I’m something of a Transformers hater. Despite pressure from family and friends who have praised the movie series, I have deliberately avoided every single one of the films. I never liked the cartoon as a kid, and while Transformers’ amalgamation of cars and robots may be a dream combination for most guys, I have very little interest in either. However, as a critic, I cannot let my own biases get in the way of giving fair judgment. After having watched Transformers: Age of Extinction, I can thankfully report that the film actually wasn’t half bad. While it’s not going to make a Transformers fan out of me, it was an entertaining, albeit overly-long, movie-going experience.

Age of Extinction is an action-packed ride, filled with the kind of over-the-top entertainment you would expect from a Michael Bay film. While Bay has developed something of a bad rap, there’s no denying his knack for fun and ridiculous action sequences. He’s a man who spares no expense when it comes to explosions and special effects, and this is where Bay is at his best. Love him or hate him, it’s hard to argue with his results as he’s surely one of the most successful directors of all time. However, clocking in at two hours and forty-five minutes, the high-speed action of Age of Extinction is exhausting and becomes tiresome long before the finale. Even when Bay slows things down, he keeps the camera overly busy with particle effects and constant movement. While all of that looks great in IMAX 3D, it feels like an endless visual barrage that is frankly a lot to take in. How many lens flares must a man endure in one movie? I understand the desire to make every shot exciting and visually striking, but I think Bay is trying to tackle too much on camera.

Similarly, Age of Extinction is trying to squeeze too much into its plot, which could almost be broken up into two entirely separate movies. We have the hunt for Optimus Prime and the Transformers by Lockdown and the CIA; Cade Yeager’s discovery of Prime and their ensuing alliance; the love story between Cade’s daughter and her boyfriend; the emergence of the Dinobots; as well as the man-made construction of new Transformers. The result is a fast-paced action movie that is convoluted and far too long. That’s not to say that what is there is bad, though. Awful love story aside, all of the other components of the story are solid and even pretty interesting. Kelsey Grammer puts in a good performance as the head of the CIA who is responsible for the extermination of the Transformers. Similarly, Stanley Tucci is great as Joshua Joyce, the brilliant inventor who is recreating human-controlled Transformers for military use. Yet I can’t help but think that Joyce’s plot would have been perhaps been better to save for a sequel. Sure, it offers a nice parallel between the two inventors and it also creates an opportunity for them to introduce some all-new Transformers, but aren’t the Dinobots enough? There’s so much going on in the film that the eagerly-anticipated Dinobots aren’t given much screen time at all. There is just an unreasonable amount of narratives going on in this movie, to the point where it’s hard to follow, and even harder to stay interested in. Instead of sitting on the edge of your seat during the climactic showdown, you’re probably going to be looking at your watch and wondering how much longer this movie can possibly go on.

While I’m no expert on Transformers, I think the film does an admirable job in bringing the robotic characters to life. Their appearance and animation are both impressive, and they’re typically a pretty fun bunch. I have to admit, though, that I was a bit jarred by the angry and violent demeanor of Optimus Prime. I thought he was supposed to be the good guy everyone looked up to? In Age of Extinction, he clearly has some anger management issues. While he might be the most skilled warrior out there, he sure doesn’t seem like much of a role model. Peter Cullen, the original voice of Optimus Prime, has one again returned to voice the character. John Goodman gives a stand-out voice performance as Hound, in a role he seemed to have a lot of fun with, and Ken Watanabe voices the Samurai-like Transformer known as Drift. All in all, there are a lot of Transformers in the movie, but there is hardly ample time to get to know most of them. I imagine many of them have been introduced in previous films, but for a newcomer like myself, I had a hard time distinguishing between quite a few of them. Then there are the Dinobots, which look awesome, but we’re not given a chance to know much of anything about them. It’s a shame that they’re reduced to feeling like unnecessary bookends to an already overly-crammed movie.

On the human side of things, Mark Wahlberg is enjoyable as the struggling inventor who scavengers through whatever he can to try to create a breakthrough invention. He brings a charming and heroic presence to his role, making him a character we can identify with and root for as he tries to assist the highly-targeted Transformers. T.J. Miller’s Lucas makes for a mildly humorous companion to Cade, although much of the film’s attempts at comedy feel forced and aren’t very funny. Then there’s Nicola Peltz as the skimpily-dressed, rebellious but brainy and innocent, party girl daughter Tessa. She fits right into Bay’s stereotypical sexist female lead who serves as little more than a damsel in distress and eye candy. Still, I don’t know who is worse; Tessa, or her rally car racing boyfriend Shane, played by Jack Reynor. I felt just as frustrated by them as Wahlberg does playing Tessa’s disgruntled and disapproving father. These two lovebirds are an annoying and unwanted addition that only further drag out the plot. While it was at first vaguely amusing to watch Cade freak out as the over-protective father, that shtick ended up getting old real quick. While Wahlberg makes a good new face for the franchise, I hope to God that he comes alone for the next one.

Transformers: Age of Extinction is a fun summer movie. Director Michael Bay sticks to his usual mode of operation with ridiculous action sequences, top of the line special effects, and a whole lot of explosions. If you’re looking for a movie with more flash than substance, Age of Extinction should be right up your alley. It’s jam-packed and overly ambitious, stretching the run time far longer than it ever should, but if offers plenty of dumb, fun entertainment. Transformers fans should be pleased, although the series still has yet to make a fan out of me.

(This review was originally posted at 5mmg.com on 9.22.14.)